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A friend of mine from another country says your American beer is like f*cking in a canoe! I said what do mean? He says! It's f*cking near water!!!
 
A man goes to the grocery store and picks up milk, eggs, bread, and butter. He goes to the checkout and puts all of his stuff on the belt and waits his turn. When all his groceries reach the cashier, she looks at all of his stuff, then looks at him. She looks back at his stuff, then back at him. Then she says to him, "you're single, aren't you?" The guy, slightly astonished at the question, says, "yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier responds, "because you're ugly."
 
A trucker was driving through Texas when he saw a billboard advertising a chance to win $20,000. Being curious & broke, he pulled into the place & asked the proprietor what he had to do to win. "Well," the proprietor drawled, "All ye gotta do is make the mule laugh." And with that, he pointed towards the barn where the mule was looking out of his stall.

The trucker says he'll give it a shot, but he needs a few moments alone with the mule. The proprietor doesn't see a problem & lets the trucker lead the mule into the barn; about 15 seconds later there is a loud laughing coming from the barn & the proprietor comes running in to see what's going on.

He sees the mule laughing uncontrollably, he's laughing so hard, there are tears rolling down his cheeks. The owner is completely flabbergasted, but pays the trucker $20,000.

a couple days later, on the way back, the trucker sees the same sign & pulls in to the place again. The mule's owner recognizes him & when the trucker asks if he has to make the mule laugh again, the owner says "No, this time you have to make the mule cry."

The trucker thinks about this for a few seconds & says he'll give it a shot, but he needs a few moments alone with the mule. The owner is suspicious, but allows it again. Pretty soon, the owner hears uncontrollable sobbing coming from the barn & when he walks in, sure enough, the mule is crying his eyes out.

The owner is devastated. He reluctantly pays the trucker another $20,000 & says "Mister, you got $40,000 of my money, I'm broke now; but I gotta know how you did it."
The trucker stuffs the money into his overalls & replies "Well, the 1st time, when I had to make the mule laugh, I just told him my d!ck was bigger than his...
The second time, I showed him."
:D
 
A middle aged couple, an elderly man, and a gorgeous young woman all suddenly find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven awaiting processing from St. Peter. With some time to kill they engage in some small talk.

"So, how did you guys get here," the elderly gentleman asked the couple.

"Well," said the husband,"the last thing I remember is my wife bursting into our apartment screaming about me having an affair. I felt something hard hit my head, and I woke up here."

"Well," said the wife, "I was having lunch with a friend of mine when she confided that she had been hearing rumors that my husband was having an affair. I flew into a rage went home and beat my husband unconscious with a frying pan. I wanted to make sure the bastard was dead, so I tied a rope to our deep freezer, then around his neck, and threw him over our 10th floor balcony. Unfortunately, I forgot the freezer was on wheels, and his weight pulled the freezer over the balcony and onto the busy sidewalk below. I searched the apartment for the little hussy who was the source of all this trouble but couldn't find anyone. Distraught at falsely accusing my beloved husband, and becoming a murderer to boot, I retrieved his pistol from the closet and took my own life."

"That's so odd," said the elderly man. "I was out walking my dog, when I suddenly heard screams all around me. I remember looking up a seeing a man and a large refrigerator looking thing falling towards me. Next thing I know...I'm waking up here."

"What about you, sweetie," the elderly fellow asked the gourgeous young woman. How did a beautiful young thing such as yourself end up here. You're the very picture of health."

"Well," replied the young woman,"She didn't look for me inside the freezer first."
 
Once upon a time there was a bear and a bunny that lived in the woods and they were the best of friends. They always did everything together, and one day they happened to be going potty at the same time. The bear thought a minute then said to his best friend, bunny, "Tell me little friend, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The bunny said, "Why no, I don't" So the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his a$$ with him.
 
If two potatoes are crossing the street, how do you tell which one is the prostitute? The one that says Idaho!
 
A guys is preparing for an expedition in the desert. Before leaving, a local tells him :
-Don't go there man, there are a lots of quicksand.
But the guy ignores him and leave. After a few days of walk, he walks into quicksands and get stock. After a few hours, he has sand to his knees but luckily, someone comes.
-Hey man, help me out, I'm stock in quicksand, says our hero
-Ok, I can help you but you'll have to suck my dick for it, replies the man
-**** off, I prefer to die than to suck your dick!
So the man leaves. A couple of hours later, the guys has sand to his waist but another man passes by :
-Hey man, help me out, I'm stock in quicksand, says our hero again
-I'll help you only if you suck my dick
-WTF, **** off, I prefer to die!
After a few hours, our hero has sands to the neck, but luckily, a third man passes by. Desperate, our hero yell :
- Hey man, help me out. If you help me get out of there, I'll suck your dick
The man stops, look at the guy stock in the quicksand and start kicking him in the face:
Die you ****in queer, die!
 
A mathematician, a philosopher and a hill billy all meet St Peter at heaven's gates. St Peter says that Heaven is getting a touch full and that there is a test to enter. The test is that they have to ask a question that he cannot answer and they get in.

The Mathematician asks "What is the 465th number in the pi sequence.
St Peter answers him and the mathematician walks off.
The phlosopher asks what the meaning of life is and St Peter answers as well.
The Hill Billy tells St Peter to get him a chair.
A chair is set down in front of him
The Hill Billy says "now drill 23 holes into it"
St Peter has 23 holes drilled into it because he is curious
The Hill Billy sits on the chair and rips a loud fart then stands up and says "Now, which hole did I fart out of?"
St Peter studies the chair for a minute and points out a hole
The Hill Billy says "Nope, My A-Hole, now lemme in!"
 
So this rough tough looking bastard walks into the bar. He heads directly to the bar, pulls the gnarliest looking snapping turtle out of his coat pocket and sets it on the bar. He proceeds to pull out his doinger and tease the snapping turtle until BAM, the turtle shot out of his shell and latched onto the mans unit. Without even flinching that tough bastard pulled out his pocket knife and smacked that turtle on the head causing the turtle to release his wang.

He then turned to the rest of the bar patrons and snarled "I dare any of you chicken ****s to do THAT". Out of the corner of the bar came this scrawny timid sounding man who stated clearly, "I can do that no problem, but you have to promise to not hit me in the head with a pocket knife"
 
I wish I could remember who posted this joke originally, but it was someone here on HBT and this one made me go into an uncontrollable gigglefit at the office. So, with my apologies to the member who originally posted this:

A man sits in a hospital room. The doctor sits beside him and says "Sir, I'm sorry. Your wife is in a coma, and we can't bring her out of it. I don't think there's anything else we can do. Except ..."
"What? What is it?" asks the husband.
"Well," replies the doctor. "There is something, but it is unproven and very controversial. There is some research to suggest that someone who is in a coma can be brought back by ... oral sex. Sir - are you willing to ..."
"Of course!" The husband shouts. "This is my wife! I'll do anything to bring her our of the coma!" The husband pauses a moment and says, "The only thing is, she is a very private person and, if she wakes up in the middle of it all, she would be terribly embarrassed if you were all in the room. Would you please give us some privacy?"
"Certainly, sir." says the doctor. "We will wait out in the hall and we will monitor her vitals from outside."

The doctors and nurses step outside and close the door, and turn their attention to the monitors. At first, nothing. Then her heart rate starts to rise. And rise. And RISE! And her brain activity increased! And more and more! It's working!!!

And then everything suddenly flatlines.

The staff bursts into the room to start performing CPR. One of the doctors says to the husband "Sir! What happened?!!"

The husband replies, " I dunno, but if I had to guess, I'd say she choked."
 
Three friends are sitting around the campfire talking the worst pain they have ever been in.

The first guy, a stock broker, says "I was in my garage cutting a board with my circular when I slipped and cut off three fingers. Man was that painful. I had to pickup my fingers and drive myself to the hospital. Just the physical therapy to regain use was brutal."

The second guy, a construction worker, says "Man that is nothing, I've cut off a finger twice and just walked it off both times. The worst pain EVER was when I was out hunting and tripped accidentally blowing off half of my right foot. I had to walk over 3 miles back to my truck, then drive 2 hours to get to the hospital, fighting off passing out due to blood loss. Worst pain ever."

The third guy, a dentist, says "Wow, those are both horribly painful experiences, but I think my second worst tops both of your worst man. I was camping, just like tonight, and after I'd drank to many beers I ****ing sat down on a bear trap catching my balls in it".

The construction worker said "Damn that had to have hurt bad man, but if that's your second what could possibly be more painful than that?"

The dentist said "When I hit the end of that bear traps chain is when the real pain started"
 
Brewmex41 said:
Does it make it less racist to disclose that I'm half Mexican? Haha.
Click to expand...

Ha Ha Ha.

I've relied on this one for years. Before my son started learning to talk and calling me chawagi my online user name for most things was whtmex (WHiTe MEXican)
 
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
 
A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' Yes, you see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration'!
 
There was this fella sitting in his doctor’s office waiting on the test results from some lab work that had been performed earlier.

The doctor steps into the room with a very long face, and proceeds to tell the man I have a couple of things I need to share with you, and unfortunately they are both bad news. First of all, you have terminal cancer. It has spread to an extent that it is inoperable, and you will most likely die within a month or less.

The man, extremely shocked from receiving this news, asked the doctor, “What possibly could be worse than hearing this news?” and asks the doctor what else did he have to share with him.

“Well”, said the doctor, “You have been diagnosed with late-stage Alzheimer’s disease, and there is nothing we can do about it at this point.” Upon hearing this, the man’s face lit up a bit and he began to smile.

He responded, “Damn doc, I can live with Alzheimer’s, I was afraid you were going to tell me I was dying from cancer.”
 
I went to see my doctor for my annual physical. He told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."

"Ok." He said. "You're ugly too."

Bada zing!
 
A woman went to see her doctor about a bee sting. "Doctor," she said, "I was stung by a bee while golfing."

"Where did it happen?" Asked the doctor.

The woman replied, "Somewhere between the first and second hole. Why?"

"I see," said the doctor. "Sounds to me like you need to shorten your stance."

Bam!!
 
A guy is driving around a small backwoods town in Alabama and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He walks to the front porch where the owner, an cranky elderly fellow, tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back around to the porch and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because," replied the owner,"that sumbitch is a damn liar. He ain't never worked CIA a day in his life."
 
A termite walks in to a bar and says,

"Hey. Where's the bar tender?"

Get it?
 
Talking dog you say?
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. Of course the bartender tells him "No dogs buddy!"
The patron tells him that this dog is special, he can talk.
"Really? If that dog can talk, you both drink for free."
The man addresses the : "What's on top of a house?"
"roof!" the dog replies.
"What's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"Who was the greatest ballplayer ever?"
"Roof" the dog barks again.
The bartender has seen enough of this nonsense, and throws them out.
On the street, the man looks at the dog and says: "You blew it again!"
>
>
>
>
>
The dog replies, "I should have said Lou Gehrig?"
 
A man has a son and the baby has no body just a head. He cares and loves his son as if he were a normal boy. On his 21st birthday he decides to take him to the local bar for his special day. The man sets his son down on the bar and asks for the most expensive shot of whiskey for his son. He tilts his head back and gives him the whiskey and *poof!* out pops a body. The man says,"quick get him another shot!" Another shot down and *poof poof!* out pops two arms. The man orders one more shot and his son grows two legs. His son is so excited he starts running around, takes off out the door and gets hit by a truck. The bartender says,"boy should have quit while he was ahead...."
 
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.’
 
A woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"
 
Homercidal said:
What's invisible and smells like carrots?




Bunny Farts.
Click to expand...

Awwww yeah! Here we go. These are what I like to call ten year old jokes. They make the ten year olds crack up. They usually work best if they are poop or booger themed jokes.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.


What's green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.


Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.


Where does a 500 pound gorilla poop?

Anywhere he wants.
 
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.
 
In that vein..

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.


What do you call a one-legged woman?
Eileen
What do you call a one-legged oriental woman?
Irene
What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal
How do you get a one-armed idiot out of a tree?
Wave

Now for some for the more grownups.

3 Pollocks are sitting on a bench, which one is the c*cksucker?
The one spitting out feathers.
(hope that one doesn't get me in trouble for language)

What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Stroke-n-off
 
Two handsome male dogs are walking down the street with a homely male dog. Suddenly they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
 
What did the Mexican say when his house fell down around him and land on top of him?

"Get off of me home!"
 
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