Jokes Dirty or otherwise

[Hemidoc]

Post them up.
Guy goes to a doctor and says "doc my pecker hurts like crazy"
Doc says "Well you have a rare STD we're gonna need to amputate"
Guy says "Wow that's rather drastic I need a second opinion"
Second Doc says "You have a rare STD"
Guy says "Do we need to amputate like the last doc said?"
Doc says "No give it a week it will fall off on it's own"

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Ole and Sven were out on the lake fishing,
Ole says to Sven,
" Sven, I tink I'm going to leave Lena"
Oh? why is dat Ole?
"Vell Sven, she hasn't talked to me in nearly 2 months
and von't tell me vat I did wrong."
After a few minutes, Sven says to Ole.
" Ole, I vould tink twice about dat,
women like dat are hard to find"

Ole lay dying in his bedroom.
He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefse wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather his strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of Lena's lefse she slapped his hand and said,
"No Ole, don't you know dat's for da funeral"

Regards, GF.

 

[jhoneycutt]

Alabamas kicking game, now that's a joke lol

Edit: alabamas special teams in general.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

A man walks into a bar, sits down & orders a beer. Obviously intoxicated already, the man turns to the guy next to him & says "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my right eye." The guy thinks about it for a second & agrees. Both men lay their $50 on the bar & then the drunk guy proceeds to remove his glass eye & bites it. With a grin he picks up the money from the bar & put his glass eye back into his empty eye socket.

"I'll give you a chance to win your money back," he says. "I'll bet you another $50 I can bite my left eye." Now the other guy is thinking 'he can't have TWO glass eyes, he wouldn't be able to see.' So he agrees & lays another $50 on the bar. Then Mr. Glass eye proceeds to remove his false teeth & bites his left eye.

 

[chawagi]

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet??????

A: The 1998 World Hide and Seek Champion.


A man decides he's finally ready to settle down. After years of dating and searching for the right woman to share the rest of his life, he settles on three women. a blonde a brunette, and a red-head. In order to decide which one to commit to, he decides to use his life's savings to grant each one a gift of $5000 to see what type of behavior he can expect the rest of his life.

The Blond: "Honey, I spent every cent getting make-overs, cosmetic surgeries, and buying clothes because I want to ensure I always look my most beautiful for you."

The Brunette: "Darling, I took the money and bought that expensive electric brew rig you wanted. I also bought you a 12 tap keezer so there is always plenty of beer on tap for you and your friends to enjoy. I love you and always want you to have what you want."

The Red-head: "My dearest, I want our lives to be worry free and for us to be able to enjoy every minute together travelling the world and experiencing adventures we never dreamed of. I took your $5000 and invested it in high-risk high yield bonds. I then took the returns and invested them as well so we are set for life with millions of $$$ and never have to worry about money again. We can spend the rest of our lives fulfilling our every want and dream."

Q: So which one did he marry???




Wait for it.....





Little longer......





A: The one with the biggest boobs.

 

[smccarter]

Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?


Because every time his wife gets hot....
He throws dirt on her and hits her in the head with a shovel.

 

[smccarter]

I was in a bar the other night when a very pretty woman sat down next to me. We started a conversation, and I bought her a few drinks. At some point, she leaned over and whispered in my ear... "Give me 9 inches and make me feel some pain."....

So I screwed her 3 times and smashed her big toe with a ball peen hammer.

 

[MindenMan]

How are the Anaheim Ducks like a tampon?
They're only good for one period
And they don't have a second string

 

[smccarter]

On my wedding night... a LONG time ago....

After the reception, my new wife and I retired to the hotel room. We began disroabing a small distance away from one another. At one point I saw that she had a slight grin on her face. I looked back and it was still there, so I asked her why she was smiling. She then asked me this question... "Just who do you think you're gonna please with that little thing?"... To which I replied... very simply, and as a matter of extreme fact....

Me.

 

[Mindsculptor]

An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"

 

[chawagi]

Two men walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

 

[Rhumbline]

What's the difference between an elephant fart and a cocktail lounge?

A cocktail lounge is a bar room...

And an elephant fart is a BARRROOOOM!

I'll be here all week.

 

[MSweat]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fcuk!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[kingboomer]

The little rascals were sitting in class doing vocabulary. Mrs. Crabtree asks "who can spell dictate?". Buckwheat raises his hand, and she calls on him. He stands up and says " Dictate. D-I-C-T-A-T-E.". Mrs. Crabtree says, "very good Buckwheat. Now can you use it in a sentence?". Buckwheat thinks about it for a few minutes and then turns to Darla and says " Hey Dahla, whyn'choo tell de class how my dictate las' night?"

 

[Kozwald]

This is a great thread, hopefully it keeps going.
I don't have a joke right of hand but here's a toast for your next pint of home brew.

I once knew a man with a spiral dick. He led his life on a long lost hunt to find a woman with a spiral ****. He found her one day but dropped over dead, the dirty ***** had a left handed thread.

 

[smagic14]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey

The bartender says there aren't monkeys allowed here you'll have to leave

The man says this monkey is okay and wont cause probkens ..as soo as he says that the monkey starts running around eating all the food of the customers and then runs over to the pool table and eats the 8 ball.

The bartender tells the man and the monkey to leave and never come back

A few weeks later the Man comes back with the monkey and the bartender tells him he can't be here

The Man days that the monkey is trained now...as soon ass he says that the monkey starts running around Grabs a small tomato sticks it up his butt and eats it...

The bartender asks why did he do that?

The man says after that 8 ball he tests to make sure it will come out easily

 

[fuzzy2133]

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.

Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lot of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"

So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds later he has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.

The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete as*hole when you are drunk"

 

[kingboomer]

Teacher: Ok class, someone tell me what's deffinitely true, 100%
Bobby: The sky is deffinitely blue!
Teacher: No Bobby, sometimes it gets cloudy and then it's grey.
Suzy: The grass is deffinitely green!
Teacher: No Suzy, because it dies and turns brown.
Little Johnny: Hey teach, do farts have lumps in em?
Teacher: (sighs) no Johnny...
Little Johnny: Then I deffiitely just sh*t my pants!

 

[drainbamage]

There are a church and a synagogue right next to one another on the same street. The priest and the rabbi are talking one day and the priest says he is thinking about buying a car, but is afraid he won't drive enough to make it worthwhile. The rabbi proposes they split the cost of the car and share the use of it, and the priest agrees.

The day after buying the new car, the rabbi looks out his window and sees the priest sprinkling water on the car, so he walks outside and asks the priest what he is doing.

"I'm baptizing the car," the priest replies. "This is how we bless new children in my religion."

"Oh, I get it!" The rabbi says. He disappears into the synagogue for a minute and returns with a hacksaw.

"What's that for?" The priest asks.

"I need to bless the car as well," the rabbi responds, and saws off the tip of the tailpipe.

 

[drainbamage]

An Irish guy walks into his local pub at 9 o'clock and orders 3 pints of beer. He drinks all three in silence, then leaves. He does this each night, until finally the bartender asks him why he follows this routine.

"I just moved to this town, far away from me two brothers," the Irishman says. "We used to meet each night at 9 o'clock and share a round together. Before I left, we made a deal that we would still head to the pub at the same time and order a beer for each of us. That way, no matter where we were, we would still share a drink together."

The patrons sitting nearby were touched by this gesture, and the man became a bit of a local celebrity after a while. One day, he sits down at the bar and orders only 2 pints. Everyone notices, and the patrons are shocked. The bartender brings the beers and says, with a tear in his eye, "Ah lad, I'm so sorry about your brother."

The Irishman is confused, and replies, "Me brothers are fine! I just gave up drinking for Lent."

 

[chawagi]

A guy sits down at a piano bar and orders a beer. A few seconds later a little capuchin monkey runs up to him with a beer and stands there with his hand out. "Whose monkey is this?" asked the customer, "Sure is a cute little fella."

"That's the piano player's monkey," replied the bartender. "The little guy's been here so long he knows everything there is to know about bartending. Better tip him or he'll stand there all night getting more and more pissed off."

So the night progresses. the man orders beer after beer delivered by the monkey, and enjoys the soothing songs from the piano man.

The man realizes he's come up a bit short and won't be able to tip his furry little bartender on his last beer. "I'm sorry," the man tells the monkey, "I won't be able to tip you this time."

The cute little monkey flies into a rage at hearing this...stomping up and down the bar, screaming and howling, until he suddenly runs up to the man's beer grabs his monkey junk and pisses in the guy's beer.

Well the man definitely doesn't appreciate this--he did pay for the beer after all--and is suddenly quite angry, so he stomps over to the piano player to get repaid for his drink. He furiously tapped on the piano players shoulder to get his attention. "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" he asked the piano-man.

"No," replied the piano player, "but if you hum a few bars I'll try to fake it."

Ba-dum...chishhhh

 

[jhoneycutt]

There are a church and a synagogue right next to one another on the same street. The priest and the rabbi are talking one day and the priest says he is thinking about buying a car, but is afraid he won't drive enough to make it worthwhile. The rabbi proposes they split the cost of the car and share the use of it, and the priest agrees.

The day after buying the new car, the rabbi looks out his window and sees the priest sprinkling water on the car, so he walks outside and asks the priest what he is doing.

"I'm baptizing the car," the priest replies. "This is how we bless new children in my religion."

"Oh, I get it!" The rabbi says. He disappears into the synagogue for a minute and returns with a hacksaw.

"What's that for?" The priest asks.

"I need to bless the car as well," the rabbi responds, and saws off the tip of the tailpipe.

My wife would love this lol.

 

[Hemidoc]

So a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender says "what is this some kinda joke"

 

[Hemidoc]

Two good ol boys decide to go to the local community college to get some learnin.
Counselor tells them they need to take some tests first to see what kinda classes they should take.
They finish the test, and the guy goes into talk to the counselor.
Counselor says "You need to study reading mathematics and logic"
Ol boy says "What's logic?"
Guy says "Do you have a weed eater?
'Ol boy "ya"
Counselor "well logic tells me since you have a weed eater you own a house"
Ol boy says "yep"
Counselor "logic tells me that since you own a home you're married"
Ol boy says "yep"
Counselor "logic tells me that given those things you are straight meaning you like women.
Ol boy says "Ya darn right. I'm liking this logic thing.
Ol boy goes out and meets his buddy in the waiting room
Buddy asks "So what they tell ya?"
Ol boy says "I need to study reading mathematics and logic"
Buddy says"What's logic?"
Ol boy asks "Do you have a weed eater?"
Buddy says "No"
Ol boy says "Well then you's queer"

 

[jhoneycutt]

Been hearing a good joke for a couple weeks now. Missouri has a top ranked defense. HAHAHAHAHA LOL. Tre Mason alone made a joke of em.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

You've all heard Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke, right?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"So this bar goes into this guy, see..."

 

[Miller4]

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the A out of safe and the F out of way....

 

[Hemidoc]

A young boy comes home from his first day at a new school.
His Mom asks "How is the new school?"
Boy says "the teacher asked a question and I was the only one that could answer it"
Mom says "That's great. What was the question?"
Boy says "She asked 'Who farted?' "

 

[hunter_le five]

A girl is sitting alone at the bar, when a man walks in and sits down beside her. He sets a small duffle bag on the top of the bar, and unzips it. The girl is amazed as she watches the man pull out a tiny little piano, and a tiny little foot-tall man. When he sets them both down on the bar top, the little man walks over to the little piano and begins playing a little ditty.

"That's amazing," she says, "where on earth did you get that adorable little piano player?".

The man replies, "There is a genie in the alley behind the bar who will grant you any one wish."

Excited, the girl rushes out of the bar to go find the genie.

A few minutes later, the girl storms back into bar, furious, with a whole swarm of mallards following closely behind her.

"What the hell?!?!" she practically screams at the man. "I asked that damn genie for a million bucks, but for some reason he gave me a million ducks! What the hell am I supposed to do with all of these damn ducks?!?"

"Oh I'm sorry," replies the man, apologetically. "I forgot to tell you; that genie is a bit hard of hearing. Did you really think I would've have asked him for a twelve-inch pianist?"

 

[DrunkleJon]

Billybob walks into a country club and asks to join. The country club guy groans and says "Ok, in order to join up you will need to answer 2 questions correctly."
Billy Bob says "all right, shoot"
CC Guy says "Question 1 - How many days are there in a year? Question 2 - What is God's first name"
Billy Bob says "Ooh those are tougies. Can I come back with the answers?"
CC Guy gives him his blessing and is relieved to see him go.
Billy Bob comes back a week later and tells the CC guy, "I, I, I got your answers."
CC Guy "How many Days are in a year?"
Billy Bob "That was a toughie, Me an my wafe talked about it and it came to us. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. There are 7 days in a year"
CC Guy "Well... you have a point there. Technically you are correct. So, for the second question, what is God's first name?"
Billy Bob "That one was even tougher. I thunked and thunked, my wife thunked and thunked and thunked again and we could not figger it out. Until on Sunday when we were in church saying our lords prayer. Our Father, who art in heaven Harold be thy name... His name is Harold!"

 

[NickTheGreat]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age..

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

The doctor responded by asking, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much since my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said..

He asked, 'Do you gamble, go on vacations or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a ****'

 

[NickTheGreat]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit...
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with another frog in his mouth.

 

[fuzzy2133]

A fellow co worker shared this with me.

A gentleman crosses paths with a homeless man asking for money. The homeless man says that he is looking for money to buy food for dinner tonight and only food. No drugs or alcohol only food.

The gentleman pulls a $20 from his wallet and asks the homeless man if he will take the $20 and spent it to go out hunting? The homeless man responds I have not been hunting in years, I will only buy food, no drugs or alcohol.

The gentleman asks if the homeless man will take his $20 and spend it to go fishing? The homeless man responds I have not been fishing in years, I will only buy food, no drugs and no alcohol.

The gentleman puts his $20 away and tells the homeless man he can do better than $20. All he has to do is come home with him, he will be able to take a nice hot shower and his wife will cook him a fantastic hot meal.

The homeless mans eyes light up and he asks the gentleman why would he offer such great generosity to a stranger of the street?

The gentleman responds I would like my wife to see what happens when a man stops going out hunting and fishing.

 

[b-boy]

An oldie, but one of my favorites:

A Koala Bear hires a hooker.

They get a hotel room and he proceeds to have his way with her. When he's finished, he hops off the bed and walks toward the door.

"Hey - where do you think you're going?", yells the hooker. "You owe me money!"

The Koala Bear shrugs his shoulders, says "I'm leaving" and keeps walking towards the door.

"Stop!", screams the hooker. She pulls out her smart phone, googles 'hooker' and shows the results to the Koala Bear. "I'm a hooker - See what it says there?" The Koala Bear looks at the phone and reads it out loud. "Hooker - definition: A woman who has sex in exchange for money."

The Koala Bear shrugs his shoulders, and keeps walking towards the door.

The hooker blocks his path. "You're not going anywhere." "You have to pay me." "Don't you understand the definition of hooker?", she says. The Koala Bear says "I'm a Koala Bear". He then pulls out his smartphone, googles 'Koala Bear', shows the results to the hooker, and walks out the door.

It says "Koala Bear - definition: An Australian marsupial that eats bushes and leaves."

 

[roastquake]

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

 

[Brew-Jay]

A drunk man at the bar threw up all over himself. He asked the bartender, "what am I going to do? My wife will kill me when she sees this." The bartender, who'd seen it all before, politely told him, "put a $20 bill in your shirt pocket. Tell your wife someone threw up on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill". Confident, the man went home to face his wife. She confronted him and he responded using the bartender's words. The wife checked his pocket and asked, "so then why is there $40 in your pocket?" "Oh yeah." Said the man, "he pooped in my pants too."

 

[drainbamage]

What do you call it when you add Coke to a Red-Headed Slut?

A "Lindsay Lohan".

 

[chawagi]

A man sat heartbroken, angry, and drunk in his living room. His wife of 10 years recently announced she had been having an affair. She just walked out of his life taking his children and everything they had worked for during their life together. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

He stumbled to the door and ripped it open to find no one there. He looked down and saw a tiny garden snail sitting on the welcome mat. He picked up the snail and drunkenly screamed at it, "So...you mock me now,too. Screw all of you," and he hurled the snail out the door and across the yard.

Time passed, as it always does, and healed all wounds. 10 Years later the man found himself married to an even more beautiful and wonderfully faithful woman. Child support is over and, with no children of their own, the couple was free to pursue any adventure they chose.

One day there is a knock at the door and the man once again opened it to find no one there. He looked down and again saw a snail sitting on the welcome mat. As he smiled and bent over to pick up the snail, the snail looked up at him and asked, "Hey man, what the fcuk was that all about?"

 

[dstranger99]

3 guys and a woman go on a fishing trip, no fish were caught but she came home with big a red snapper.........

 

[ghosthef]

A little girl and and old man go for a walk in the woods at night. The little girl looks up at the old man and says, "It's dark and scary out here. Im afraid." The old man looks back to the girl and says,"you're afraid? I gotta walk back to the car alone!"