Jokes Dirty or otherwise

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President Obama gets off a helicopter in front of the White House while carrying two piglets. A Marine guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir."
The president replies, "These are not pigs. They're authentic Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi."
The marine says, "Excellent trade, sir."
 
TrainSafe said:
President Obama gets off a helicopter in front of the White House while carrying two piglets. A Marine guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir."
The president replies, "These are not pigs. They're authentic Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi."
The marine says, "Excellent trade, sir."
Click to expand...

Ha! Love it
 
Tried to send this one yesterday and screwed up somehow. Here it is

Penguin is driving through the desert when his car overheats. Luckily a wrecker is driving along the same deserted stretch of road and gives him a tow to the local garage. While the car is being worked on the mechanic points him to the diner next door. Since it is a hot day, the penguin buys a banana split and since he is without fingers to hold the spoon, attacks it face first. Once done, the penguin waddles out to the garage where the mechanic pauses from his work, and says "Looks like you just blew a seal"
Penguin looks at himself and says, "No, that's just ice cream"
 
Here's an old favorite:
What do UFOs and intelligent women have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
You've heard about them, but never seen one.
 
After a long wait, a girl finally gets to meet her boyfriends parents for dinner at their house. 10 minutes into the dinner, she still has some nerves, and lets a small fart escape. A few seconds go by, when her boyfriends dad yells "sparky, go" The girl is relieved that the dog was blamed and continues to eat and exchange small talk. A few minutes later, her stomach acts up again and she lets another rip, this time a bit louder. Again, the dad says "sparky, enough, go". About 30 min go by and she really lets a loud one go. After a few moments of silence, the dad looks over at the dog and says, "dammit sparky, get out of there before she s@*ts on you".
 
Little Johnny was visiting his grandparrents one weekend. He and his grandpa are sitting out on the porch watching the sun set when gramps fires up a cigar. "Hey gramps, let me have some of that."
"I don't know Johnny, can you touch your d!ck to your @$$hole?"
"Um, no..."
"Well then, once you're grown up and you can, we'll see."
Johnny seems a bit perturbed at this answer, but lets it go. The next morning Johnny and gramps are out on the lake fishing, when gramps cracks a beer open. "Hey gramps, let me have some of that."
"I don't know Johnny, can you touch your d!ck to your @$$hole?"
"Gramps, you know I can't!"
"Well then, once you can come and see me!"
Johnny's getting mad now, and after they're done fishing he goes into the kitchen to talk to his grandma. A little while later gramps comes in the kitchen and sees Johnny chowing down on a big plate of cookies and milk.
"Hey boy! Give me some of those cookies!"
"I don't know gramps, can you touch your d!ck to your @$$hole?"
"Of course I can, I'm a grown man Johnny, you know that!"
"Good then you can go f#&k yourself! Grandma made these cookies for ME!"


:D
 
A communist, a muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar.
The bartender says "hello Mr. president!"


Whats the difference between an american girl, and an Saudi girl?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery!
 
Ok I will admit it. The monkeys tell it better than I do. Then again I was working off of memory. And Monkeys are freaking hilarious anyway.
 
The other day, I came home and tried to turn on the TV and I realized I had no power.
I went to grab my laptop and realized the battery was dead.
When I pulled out my smart phone, I realized it too had a dead battery.
I thought maybe I would cook some dinner and kill some time until the power came back on, but realized the stove had electric pilots and needed electricity too.
So I sat down and talked with the wife for a while.
Ya know, she’s a pretty nice gal.
 
Got this friend who was born with one of the strangest birth defects I've ever heard of. Turns out, he was born with no lower eyelids! Story I got was, the doctors in a fit of sheer brilliance took his recently circumcised foreskin and fashioned two new lower eyelids for him, and stitched em on. Flash foreward 20 or so years and you can't even tell the procedure was done. Only problem is, I give him more than a few homebrews in one sitting and he gets half cock-eyed...


:D
 
kingboomer said:
Got this friend who was born with one of the strangest birth defects I've ever heard of. Turns out, he was born with no lower eyelids! Story I got was, the doctors in a fit of sheer brilliance took his recently circumcised foreskin and fashioned two new lower eyelids for him, and stitched em on. Flash foreward 20 or so years and you can't even tell the procedure was done. Only problem is, I give him more than a few homebrews in one sitting and he gets half cock-eyed...


:D
Click to expand...

I see what you did there. So thats an additional hazard to getting Whiskey D...eye?
 
kingboomer said:
Got this friend who was born with one of the strangest birth defects I've ever heard of. Turns out, he was born with no lower eyelids! Story I got was, the doctors in a fit of sheer brilliance took his recently circumcised foreskin and fashioned two new lower eyelids for him, and stitched em on. Flash foreward 20 or so years and you can't even tell the procedure was done. Only problem is, I give him more than a few homebrews in one sitting and he gets half cock-eyed...


:D
Click to expand...

I tell another version of that where the little boy's parents ask the doctor "Will that really work?" Doc replies "Yeah, but he may be a little cock-eyed." Same thing. Badump-bum.
 
MindenMan said:
My wife has two degrees and 5 letters following her name, she didn't find this joke funny...
No more "happy wife" in my house tonight, dammit.
Click to expand...

It might help to follow up with this one:

You know why Moses and the Israelites wandered around the desert for 40 years?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Even back then, men were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions!


When I tell the first one I usually follow up with the second one, kinda evens things out... Or not.
 
If you're gonna go racist at least make it good.....



What does a cue ball and a Mexican have in common?








The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them
 
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
:D
 
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender ask him what he likes.
The guy says rum and coke.
The bartender puts an apple on the table.
The guy looks at it but takes a bit. Wow this tastes like coke!
The bartender tells him to turn it around.
He takes a bite and it tastes like rum!

Another guy walks into the bar and the bartender asks what he likes.
The guys says gin and tonic
The bartender places an apple on the bar.
The other guy eating his apple tells him it works.
So the guy takes a bite and wow gin!
The bartender tells him to turn it around. Wow tonic!

Another guy walks in the bar and the bartender asks him what he likes.

The guy says I like the taste of p****.
The bartender places and apple on the bar.
The guy takes a bite and says ugh this tastes like ****.

The bartender tells him to turn it around... :)

Edit: guess I should have clicked up the link above...
 
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?


None, they just beat the room for being black.


Sent from my iPhone using Home Brew
 
A young guy is fed up with the city life and decides to follow his lifelong dream and buy a small ranch in Montana. After living there for a few months, a large Cadillac pulls up the drive one afternoon, an older cowboy steps out, looks around and says "Boy, I sure like what you've done with the place here, we don't get much of a chance to celebrate around these parts, what do you say to a party over at my place Saturday night?"

The young guy says "Sure, that sounds great, I haven't had a chance to meet anyone from around here". The old timer says "Great, we will see you Saturday night", he starts to walk towards his car, but turns around and says, "Oh, by the way, I better warn you that there is some pretty heavy drinking that happens at my parties." "No problem" says the young guy, "I grew up in the bars and can handle my booze". Old Timer says "Well, after the drinking, some pretty nasty fights break out". "No problem" says the young guy, "I've been in plenty of bar brawls and can hold my own." "Well, after the drinking and the fighting, some pretty kinky sex happens as well" says the old cowboy. "That sounds great to me", says the young guy, "all I've seen in the last few months are sheep and cows."

"Great," says the old timer, "we'll see you Saturday." "OK," says the young guy, "Oh, by the way, what should I wear to the party?" "Doesn't matter much" says the old timer, "it's just going to be me and you there."
 
One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "when you made Lena, why did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Well then why, oh why," asked Ole, "why Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love you," replied the voice.
:D
 
A man comes home from work early and catches his English major wife in bed with another man.
"Helen! I'm surprised!" the man says.
The English major wife replies, "Darling, I am surprised. YOU are astonished."
 
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