New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

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Pro-tip... ordering a car-bomb in an Irish bar, in Ireland or stateside, is not recommended. If you want that particular beverage order a Guinness and a shot with half jameson and half bailey's. If the bartender says "oh, you want a carbomb?" then go ahead.

Similarly in an Irish bar its suggested one order a "half-and-half" rather than a "black and tan".
 
Pro-tip... ordering a car-bomb in an Irish bar, in Ireland or stateside, is not recommended. If you want that particular beverage order a Guinness and a shot with half jameson and half bailey's. If the bartender says "oh, you want a carbomb?" then go ahead.



Similarly in an Irish bar its suggested one order a "half-and-half" rather than a "black and tan".


Yeah...we have ordered an Irish carbon in Ireland. Wasn't thinking. Just a little awkward.
 
They asked Monica Lewinski if Bill Cosby was as bad as Bill Clinton.
She said "Close but no Cigar"
 
I live in Milwaukee, WI and I cannot believe I never heard this joke until just now:


Irish Car Bomb:
Fill one shot glass with1/2 Jameson's, 1/2 Baileys. Drop into half pint of Guinness.

Polish Car Bomb:
Drop one 22 oz. can of Budweiser into a shot glass of vodka.

Oh Polish Jokes or Irish jokes?
Guy tries to jump start his car... Burns his Dick on the tailpipe
Irish guy gos to jump start his car... Gets drunk and forgot all about the car.
 
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the
Ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
And dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
:D
 
Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
 
...& the last thing I see, is my nads...still beatin'...still beatin...I'm breakin' outta my drawers & flyin' awaaaaAAAY like a bat outta hell! ;)
 
Old drunk is walking down the street and comes upon a cop.

"Office, officer, you gotta help, somebody took my car"

"Where was it when you last saw it?"

"Right on the end of this key"

"Buddy, you're gonna have to go on down to the precinct house and report this. Before you go, you better zip up your fly"

Drunk looks down and says "Aww man they got my girl too"
 
A wino was crossing the street and got ran over by a car. He's lying in the street and feels liquid running down he leg.

He says to himself, "Oh lord, please let that be blood".
 
That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die!


performs vile necromantic ritual upon dormant thread

A man walks into his office one Monday morning, obviously hung over and looking horribly ashamed of himself. "Oh, man, I am in so much trouble," he said to some co-workers, "I got so drunk last night that I don't remember a thing, and this morning my wife said she saw me blowing Chunks on the lawn next door."

"That's not so bad," one co-worker replied, "Why, one time I got so wasted I pissed my pants!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said another co-worker, " me, my best friend, and his wife once got so trashed at a party that he passed out on the hosts' bed, only to wake up to find me banging his wife right next to him! Man, he never spoke to me again!"

"You don't understand!" cried the first man, overwrought. "Chunks is my neighbor's Labrador Retriever!"
 
A man walks into a cafe and orders coffee with no cream. Waitress says "We're out of cream. How about coffee with no milk?"
 
One Sunday afternoon Ole is laying in the hammock in his backyard, wondering about life & such. He asks God "God, why did you make Lena so nice & round & pleasant to hold?" God answers "So you would love her Ole." Ole replies, "But God, why did you make her so stupid?" God replies "So she would love you."
:D
 
There were two old ladies in the car behind Lorena Bobbitt's driving down the road. When she threw the newsworthy item out of the window one old lady said to the other when it hit the windshield, "Marge, did you see the size of the dick on that bug?"
 
That is not dead which can eternal lie.
And with strange aeons even death may die!


performs vile necromantic ritual upon dormant thread

:rockin:

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn".

Two Scotsmen are crawling on their hands and knees to get home, obviously too drunk to stand. One says to the other, "Laddie, I tol' ye tha' gettin' into a drinkin' contest with Ol' McTavish was a bad idea! Tha' man has two livers, and they both work overtime!" The other Scotsman replies, "Aye, so you were right! How long til we get to the top of these bloody stairs? This is the longest staircase I've ever been on!" The first Scotsman staggers upright for a moment, looks around and replies, "These aren't stairs laddie.....we're crawling down the railroad tracks!"
 
Somewhere around 1500 AD an unfortunate man was born without arms. His mother loved and cared for him just like all of her other children, and when he became an adult he even got a job working for the local priest doing a variety of tasks. Amongst these each Sunday he would go to the bell tower of the church and grasp the bell-cord with his teeth and start the bells to ringing prior to mass. After mass he would go to the local inn and have lunch and a mug of beer, which he somehow managed to eat and drink, largely keeping to himself.

One Sunday a new visitor to the town saw him sitting alone, eating and drinking, and curiosity got the better of him. "Who is that man?" He asked the innkeeper.

Innkeeper: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
 
Somewhere around 1500 AD an unfortunate man was born without arms. His mother loved and cared for him just like all of her other children, and when he became an adult he even got a job working for the local priest doing a variety of tasks. Amongst these each Sunday he would go to the bell tower of the church and grasp the bell-cord with his teeth and start the bells to ringing prior to mass. After mass he would go to the local inn and have lunch and a mug of beer, which he somehow managed to eat and drink, largely keeping to himself.

One Sunday a new visitor to the town saw him sitting alone, eating and drinking, and curiosity got the better of him. "Who is that man?" He asked the innkeeper.

Innkeeper: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

He had twin brother who took over when he retired.The rope slipped out of his teeth and he plunged to his death.Two priests were walking by and one said who is that.The other priest said I don't know,but he's a dead ringer for that other guy.
 
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
 
This isn't really a joke, but yesterday I was at the local Home Depot and saw a truck with a "Darwin" fish on the back of it. I thought to myself, "I'll bet you five loaves and two fishes you're wrong."
 
Drunk calls 911 and says I got a problem.911 operator asks what the problem is.He says I got two women fighting over me! Operator says sir that is not a problem . Drunk says hell yes it is .The ugly one is winning. :drunk:
 
A guy decides to have his favorite camel castrated. Goes to Ahab the painless camel castrator.

Ahab takes poker out of the fire, jams it up the camel's @ss, then, when the camel jumps into the air, grabs two large stones and crushes the camel's lads.

"You promised it would be painless!" Screamed the camel owner. "It is, unless you get your fingers pinched between the rocks" responded Ahab.
 
I dont know why, but these 'Dad-Jokes' popped into my head today and I couldnt help but chuckle. Plus they are clean. They need to be told rather than read though.

What do you call a blind deer?
No-eyed-deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still No-eyed-deer


What do you call a one legged woman?
Eileen

What do you call a one legged asian woman?
Irene


What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal.

and last but not least... What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A> Bunny farts.

Thank you, thank you, I am here all night. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Try the Veal.
 
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
 
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