arturo7
Well-Known Member
I had high hopes when I saw New Joke Thread, thinking that it would be a thread of new jokes. I was saddened to discover it was just a new thread of jokes.
New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable
- Thread starter Hemidoc
- Start date
Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:
Yes, but these are reasonable jokes...
Roadie
Well-Known Member
Lady goes into the hospital to have a baby. In the middle of delivery there are what appear to be complications and the lady passes out. She comes to and asks the doctor what happened and to see her baby. Doctor says I've got some bad news about the baby and I need to prepare you before you see it - it was born without any arms or legs. Lady is worked up but says that's ok she wants to see him. Doctor says well it doesn't have a body either. Lady is sobbing but says she still wants to see him. Doctor says it doesn't have a head either. Lady is hysterical and thinking WTF what did I have... but tells the doctor she still wants to see her baby. So the doctor nods to the nurse who goes out and comes back in with this big eyeball wrapped in a blanket. Lady screams out Oh My God What Could Be Worse?? Doctor says "he's blind".
The hell??
That one tests the bounds of "reasonable"...
Cheers!
Cheers!
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
A blonde, a brunette & a redhead are sitting in the OB/GYN waiting room, all of them are pregnant. They start chatting & the brunette says "I'm having a boy because my husband & me did it standing up." The redhead says "I'm having a girl because my husband & me did it missionary style." At this point the blonde is crying & the other two ask her what's wrong. Sobbing, the blonde says "I'm going to have puppies!"
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.
How did the frog die?
He Kermit suicide!
He Kermit suicide!
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
Lovely old couple die on the same day at age 90 and 91.
St. Peter sees them coming and says "Mr. and Mrs. Johnson! I dont even have to look at the book, please, right this way, we have been waiting for you!
He leads them to a huge mansion. "Your reward for being good people who lived a good life is you get to live here for eternity!"
Mrs. Johnson: "But there's no way we could ever afford this!!"
St. Peter: "Its all complimentary! As I said, this is your reward for being good people! Come, lets see your golf course."
Both avid golfers in life, the Johnson's stare with wonder at the beautiful and huge golf course in front of their eyes.
St. Peter: "This is all yours. Unless you invite someone else here in heaven to play, you wont have to ever wait to tee off. There will be no lines, and the course will always be perfectly manicured.
Mrs. Johnson: "But we could never afford..."
St. Peter: "You arent understanding me, my child, this is free. There is no money in heaven, and this is your reward for being good people. Now come, I'm starving and its time for lunch"
He leads them to a buffet that seems to go on for miles. All their favorite foods are there, and beautiful angels are serving the faithful on silver plates.
St. Peter: "Before you ask, its all free, and there are no calories. This is your reward for being good people"
Mr. Johnson, who up to now had been silent, mouth gaping in wonder, looks at his wife with a scowl.
Mr. Johnson: "You and your ****ing bran muffins.... I could have been here 30 years ago!"
St. Peter sees them coming and says "Mr. and Mrs. Johnson! I dont even have to look at the book, please, right this way, we have been waiting for you!
He leads them to a huge mansion. "Your reward for being good people who lived a good life is you get to live here for eternity!"
Mrs. Johnson: "But there's no way we could ever afford this!!"
St. Peter: "Its all complimentary! As I said, this is your reward for being good people! Come, lets see your golf course."
Both avid golfers in life, the Johnson's stare with wonder at the beautiful and huge golf course in front of their eyes.
St. Peter: "This is all yours. Unless you invite someone else here in heaven to play, you wont have to ever wait to tee off. There will be no lines, and the course will always be perfectly manicured.
Mrs. Johnson: "But we could never afford..."
St. Peter: "You arent understanding me, my child, this is free. There is no money in heaven, and this is your reward for being good people. Now come, I'm starving and its time for lunch"
He leads them to a buffet that seems to go on for miles. All their favorite foods are there, and beautiful angels are serving the faithful on silver plates.
St. Peter: "Before you ask, its all free, and there are no calories. This is your reward for being good people"
Mr. Johnson, who up to now had been silent, mouth gaping in wonder, looks at his wife with a scowl.
Mr. Johnson: "You and your ****ing bran muffins.... I could have been here 30 years ago!"
In local news, Police were called to a day care facility. A 3 yo was resisting a rest.
why is a new bride's wedding night like a snow storm?
you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last
you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it will last
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
Once I had no shoes, and thought myself unhappy. Until I met a man with no feet.
I took his shoes.
Now I feel better.
I took his shoes.
Now I feel better.
How are your guts like a volcano? Every once in a while they start rumbling, the pretence to an explosive event!
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
dstranger99
Well-Known Member
I walk up to a woman at random and ask her "If you were out camping, got drunk and woke up with a condom hanging from your crotch, would you tell anyone"?
She says, hell no !..............
I reply...........................
You wanna go campin'?
She says, hell no !..............
I reply...........................
You wanna go campin'?
...a rather disturbing thought, since your sig says I love yooper...just sayin'...
dstranger99
Well-Known Member
...a rather disturbing thought, since your sig says I love yooper...just sayin'...
And man would I love to take her campin'....lol.........
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go **** herself."
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go **** herself."
sloanfamilydsm
Well-Known Member
What does a 9v battery and a butthole have in common?
Sooner or later your tongue is gonna touch one
Sooner or later your tongue is gonna touch one
Sent from my iPhone using Home Brew
hunter_le five
Sheriff Underscore
My sides hurt.
oh crap, that's funny.
What has four legs & flies? Your pets at dinner time...
arturo7
Well-Known Member
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shvtty haircut?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shvtty haircut?"
What do you call an Elf that sings?
A Wrapper!
A Wrapper!
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
On a long span of desert highway, a highway patrolman pulls over a man for having a tail light out.
As he gets to the man's window he notices that two penguins are strapped in with seatbelts in the back seat.
Forgetting the ticket completely the officer blurts out "Sir, you can't have penguins like this! You are going to have to bring them to a zoo!"
The man agrees and is let off with a warning.
Next week comes around, same man, same officer, same car with the same light broken. Looking inside, officer sees the same two penguins, this time wearing sunglasses.
"Sir, I thought I told you, you need to bring those penguins to a zoo!"
"But, officer, I did! Now I'm bringing them to the beach!"
As he gets to the man's window he notices that two penguins are strapped in with seatbelts in the back seat.
Forgetting the ticket completely the officer blurts out "Sir, you can't have penguins like this! You are going to have to bring them to a zoo!"
The man agrees and is let off with a warning.
Next week comes around, same man, same officer, same car with the same light broken. Looking inside, officer sees the same two penguins, this time wearing sunglasses.
"Sir, I thought I told you, you need to bring those penguins to a zoo!"
"But, officer, I did! Now I'm bringing them to the beach!"
OMG I'm telling the kids this one ASAP!
Guy must've been from Parma?...Like Big Chuck's certain ethnic guy.
Hamaki
Well-Known Member
A penguin noticed that his snowmobile wasn't running well so he took it to the shop. He dropped it off and went next door for some ice cream while the mechanic checked it out. When he came back he asked, "How's it look?"
The mechanic said, "Well, looks like you blew a seal".
"No, that's just ice cream", the penguin said, wiping his face.
The mechanic said, "Well, looks like you blew a seal".
"No, that's just ice cream", the penguin said, wiping his face.
vanishingpint
well- known member
Three legged dog walks into a saloon.The place goes quiet.He scans the crowd and says I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw.
What happens if you drink food coloring?
You dye a little inside.
You dye a little inside.
A duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You have any bread?
Bartender: Sorry, the kitchen's closed and we don't have any food.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: I just told you, we don't.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No!
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: NO!
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No!...Ask me that one more time and I'll nail your bill to the counter!
Duck: Got any nails?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Duck: You have any bread?
Bartender: Sorry, the kitchen's closed and we don't have any food.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: I just told you, we don't.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No!
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: NO!
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No!...Ask me that one more time and I'll nail your bill to the counter!
Duck: Got any nails?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
Guy around the water cooler at work mentions he needs a new suit. "Oh man, you have to go see Walter on 8th st!" "He's a good tailor?" "The best! He's unorthodox for sure, but his suits fit amazing".
So the guy gets an appointment and goes to see Walter. He thinks its a little weird that the lady that picked up the phone mentioned, again, that Walter is a little unorthodox... but his suits fit amazin... after all, he was already making the appointment, but no matter.
After an uneventful train ride the guy goes in to see Walter. His shop is packed to the gills with pictures of VIPs, actors, and even President Clinton with personal thanks signed on the photos. "Good afternoon, I'm Walter. I dont know if Karen told you, but I do things a little differently, but I assure you you wont find a suit with a better fit in all of New York, or the World for that matter. Please, put your right arm under your right knee, put your left hand on your forhead and bend your left knee outward."
Weird, but the guy does as he is bidded, and Walter takes about 400 different measurements all over the guy's body and writes them all down in a positively huge notebook. Walter then thanks him and says to come back in two weeks, he will have a beautiful suit for him with the most amazing fit.
Two weeks later, the guy comes back to find Walter has made him a suit... and its all messed up. One leg is about 2 feet longer than the other... there's a pocket on the crotch of the pants and one sleeve appears to be missing completely. "What the hell Walter?!" "Sir, I told you, I do things a little differently. What you need to do on the way out of the shop is walk with one arm under the other leg, bend the other leg slightly and put your off hand on your forehead on the way home. By the time your wedding comes around you will see the Walter difference!"
The guy is about to argue when he remembers that even Bill Clinton trusts Walter and his unorthodox suits, so he pays ($800!) and leaves the shop with one arm under his leg and his hand on his forehead, etc.
Overseeing this, a little boy asks his father "Daddy, is that man retarded?"
Father: "Looks like it, son, yes. But that suit... man... what a fit!"
So the guy gets an appointment and goes to see Walter. He thinks its a little weird that the lady that picked up the phone mentioned, again, that Walter is a little unorthodox... but his suits fit amazin... after all, he was already making the appointment, but no matter.
After an uneventful train ride the guy goes in to see Walter. His shop is packed to the gills with pictures of VIPs, actors, and even President Clinton with personal thanks signed on the photos. "Good afternoon, I'm Walter. I dont know if Karen told you, but I do things a little differently, but I assure you you wont find a suit with a better fit in all of New York, or the World for that matter. Please, put your right arm under your right knee, put your left hand on your forhead and bend your left knee outward."
Weird, but the guy does as he is bidded, and Walter takes about 400 different measurements all over the guy's body and writes them all down in a positively huge notebook. Walter then thanks him and says to come back in two weeks, he will have a beautiful suit for him with the most amazing fit.
Two weeks later, the guy comes back to find Walter has made him a suit... and its all messed up. One leg is about 2 feet longer than the other... there's a pocket on the crotch of the pants and one sleeve appears to be missing completely. "What the hell Walter?!" "Sir, I told you, I do things a little differently. What you need to do on the way out of the shop is walk with one arm under the other leg, bend the other leg slightly and put your off hand on your forehead on the way home. By the time your wedding comes around you will see the Walter difference!"
The guy is about to argue when he remembers that even Bill Clinton trusts Walter and his unorthodox suits, so he pays ($800!) and leaves the shop with one arm under his leg and his hand on his forehead, etc.
Overseeing this, a little boy asks his father "Daddy, is that man retarded?"
Father: "Looks like it, son, yes. But that suit... man... what a fit!"
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