New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

[DrunkleJon]

This one is less clean but still PGish.

A philosopher, mathmetition and redneck all meet up at the pearly gates. St Peter tells them that heaven is getting rather full, and that in order to get in they need to ask him a question that he cannot answer.

The Philosopher asks what the meaning of life is, which St Peter answers correctly and he wanders off in purgatory or wherever. The Mathemetition asks what the 4,325th number in the PI sequence is. Without thought St. Peter answers him. Frustrated, he wanders off.

The redneck steps up. St Peter looks at him and waits for him to ask his question. The redneck thinks for a minute and then says "Git me a chair." St. Peter being intrigued, snaps his fingers and an large wooden chair appears in front of the redneck. "Now drill seventy four holes in the seat of the chair." says the redneck. Another finger snap and the chair seat is filled with holes of various sizes.

The redneck then sits down on the chair. Scootches around for a minute, then rips a terribly loud fart. He then gets up and asks "Which hole did I fart through?"

St. Peter looks at the chair thoughtfully for a few minutes, then points toward one of the holes and says "This one."

The redneck, then replies, "Nope, I farted out my butt-hole, now lemme in."

 

[normonster]

I dont know why, but these 'Dad-Jokes' popped into my head today and I couldnt help but chuckle. Plus they are clean. They need to be told rather than read though.

What do you call a blind deer?
No-eyed-deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still No-eyed-deer


What do you call a one legged woman?
Eileen

What do you call a one legged asian woman?
Irene


What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal.

and last but not least... What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A> Bunny farts.

Thank you, thank you, I am here all night. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Try the Veal.

What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs? Cunsuelo.

 

[Rhumbline]

This isn't really a joke, but yesterday I was at the local Home Depot and saw a truck with a "Darwin" fish on the back of it. I thought to myself, "I'll bet you five loaves and two fishes you're wrong."

Ok, the all time best vanity license plate I have ever personally seen.

Here in Florida at a Lowes...

A home made flatbed pickup truck with the license plate...

4RD8S

Just awesome in a redneck kind of way. We got some large Marges out this way.

I wish I'd stuck around to meet the driver.

 

[day_trippr]

You might have run into a large Bubba

Cheers!

 

[slym2none]

A magician finally landed a lucrative deal, a 9-month long stint on a cruise ship. Room & board, meals, even drinks all paid for and he came out with a large chunk of change. So, he figures, not bad!

Every night he does his act, and finds he can repeat the same things after a little while, due to turnover. But, every night he can, the captain comes down to see the act, and the captain has a pet parrot that he carries on his shoulder. After a few weeks, the parrot starts to figure out the magician's act, and one night, starts squawking out "It's in his pocket!" or "His assistant is in on it!" or "There's a mirror on his shoe!" But the magician soldiers on, until one night, during the middle of his act, the boat hits an iceburg and sinks.

The magician wakes up, clinging to a piece of driftwood. He looks around, seeing no one else alive, except for the captain's damn parrot, sitting on the other end of the piece of driftwood. For an hour, they both just stare at each other all mad.

Finally, the parrot breaks the silence, and says "RAWK! Okay, I give up - what'd you do with the boat?"

 

[slym2none]

What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs? Cunsuelo.

What do you call a Mexican hitch-hiker?

Stranded!

OLÉ!

 

[slym2none]

I dont know why, but these 'Dad-Jokes' popped into my head today and I couldnt help but chuckle. Plus they are clean. They need to be told rather than read though.

What do you call a blind deer?
No-eyed-deer

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still No-eyed-deer


What do you call a one legged woman?
Eileen

What do you call a one legged asian woman?
Irene


What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal.

and last but not least... What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A> Bunny farts.

Thank you, thank you, I am here all night. Don't forget to tip your waiters. Try the Veal.

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs on your porch?
Matt!

The same guy hanging on your wall?
Art!

The same guy at the beach?
Sandy

Same guy at the pool?
Bob!

Same guy at the lake?
Skip!

Same guy in a ditch?
Phil!

Same guy in a pot of hot water?
Stew!

Same guy on a BBQ?
Frank!

Same guy in a grinder?
Chuck!

Same guy in a gigantic cup of coffee?
Joe!

Same guy at a poker table?
Chip!

Same guy sitting on a rocky ledge?
Cliff!

Same guy in a pile of leaves?
Russel!

 

[normonster]

Slym wins

 

[coolharry]

Same guy at the pool?
Bob!

What do you call the girl that saves Bob from drowning?
Annette!

 

[unionrdr]

What wears a burka & flies around at night, moaning yu yuhalamak? Caspers mail-order bride...

 

[Black Island Brewer]

What wears a burka & flies around at night, moaning yu yuhalamak? Caspers mail-order bride...

Not even Google could help me figure out anything funny about this one...

 

[Fedora]

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs on your porch?
Matt!

The same guy hanging on your wall?
Art!

The same guy at the beach?
Sandy

Same guy at the pool?
Bob!

Same guy at the lake?
Skip!

Same guy in a ditch?
Phil!

Same guy in a pot of hot water?
Stew!

Same guy on a BBQ?
Frank!

Same guy in a grinder?
Chuck!

Same guy in a gigantic cup of coffee?
Joe!

Same guy at a poker table?
Chip!

Same guy sitting on a rocky ledge?
Cliff!

Same guy in a pile of leaves?
Russel!

What do you call two guys with no arms and no kegs hanging on either side of a window?


Curt n Rod

 

[vanishingpint]

What do you call two guys with no arms and no kegs hanging on either side of a window?


Curt n Rod

No kegs is just a *****.

 

[Fedora]

No kegs is just a *****.

Dammit. You knew what I meant.

 

[arturo7]

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?


Well, first you dowse it in kerosene, then throw a match on it...

WOOOOOF




Equal time for sub-humans, aka cat lovers:


How do you make a dog sound like a cat?


Well, first you gotta freeze it, then you take it out to your bandsaw...


MMMMYOWWWWWW

 

[brettwasbtd]

How do you make a cat sound like a dog?


Well, first you dowse it in kerosene, then throw a match on it...

WOOOOOF




Equal time for sub-humans, aka cat lovers:


How do you make a dog sound like a cat?


Well, first you gotta freeze it, then you take it out to your bandsaw...


MMMMYOWWWWWW

This is great, cause at first all the dog people are like "YEAH!" Then they are like "WHOA not cool, man!" And the exact reverse for cat people...and the remaining few hate you or love you entirely. Well played

 

[unionrdr]

Not even Google could help me figure out anything funny about this one...

It's turkish for " Boo!"...

 

[slym2none]

Mail-order brides come from Turkey? I thought they were all Russian or Asian ex-prostitutes...

 

[BrewerBrad82]

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

 

[vanishingpint]

Hear about the dyslexic who walks into a bra ?

 

[Hopper5000]

Yo mamma's so dumb she put a quarter in a parking-meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

 

[JonM]

Harry Potter themed:

Yo mama so fat that the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses.

Yo mama so nasty, Dobby wouldn’t even take her sock.

Yo mama so ugly that the Dementor's Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.

Yo mama so fat the Sorting Hat assigned her to the House of Pancakes.

Yo mama so fat her patronus is cake.

 

[AknotOtoads]

A blond was driving down a country road. Out her window she saw another blond trying to paddle a row boat in the middle of the field. Furious, the blond driver slammed on her brakes, jumped out of the car and yelled to the other blond. It's blonds like you that gives blonds like me a bad image...and if i could swim I would come out there and kick your a$$!!!

 

[UndeadFred]

What happens when you breed a Mexican with a Chinese? You get a car thief who can't drive.... So much for political correctness...

 

[JINKS]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic agnostic?



Used to lay awake at nights wondering if there really is a doG.

 

[dkeller12]

Why doesn't Justin Beiber shop at The Sports Authority? .....because he likes Dicks.

 

[MindenMan]

Why couldn't the Blonde call Emergency Services? She couldn't find the eleven on her phone.

 

[mcspanner]

A blind man is sitting having a drink at a bar and he says to the barmaid "do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The barmaid says " I know you're blind so I'll let you off but I'm blonde and I am a black belt in karate, the manager is blonde and she is ex special forces and our two door staff are blonde and could cause you all types of pain. Now do you really want to tell that joke?

He thinks about it and replies, "Well....not if I'm going to have to explain it four times!"

 

[slym2none]

Dang it... I have some good but really offensive jokes, and I keep asking myself "Is that 'reasonable' as the thread's title suggests?" And then I think that if I have to ask, it probably isn't.



Anyway...

What did the leper tell the prostitute? "Keep the tip!"

 

[slym2none]

What happens when you breed a Mexican with a Chinese? You get a car thief who can't drive.... So much for political correctness...

What do you call a Mexican hitchhiker?

Stranded.

Olè!

 

[Hamaki]

Dang it... I have some good but really offensive jokes, and I keep asking myself "Is that 'reasonable' as the thread's title suggests?" And then I think that if I have to ask, it probably isn't.



Anyway...

What did the leper tell the prostitute? "Keep the tip!"

I struggled with that one myself but didn't post because:
a) It may cross the line
b) Being an old fart with failing memory, I wasn't sure whether I'd told it before
c) It may cross the line

 

[Hamaki]

Whatcha call a leper in a hot tub?

Stu

 

[slym2none]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

Roamin' Catholic.

 

[slym2none]

Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?

He couldn't jit!

 

[slym2none]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.

 

[Hamaki]

Did ya hear about the constipated accountant?

He had to work it out with a pencil

 

[slym2none]

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Wait... I think I go that one wrong...

 

[Inkleg]

Two men walk into a bar.
Which is kinda dumb if you think about it. After the first one walked into it, you think the second one would have seen it and walked around it.

 

[JonM]

Grammar nerd walked into a bar jokes:

A woman walks into a bar. "What'll you have?" asks the bartneder. "An entendre," she says. "And make it a double." So he gives it to her.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

A subject and a verb had a disagreement in a bar and one of them pull a gun.

 

[vanishingpint]

What did the nurse say when she found a thermometer behind her ear?Some *******'s got my pencil!