New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

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Here's a great two-parter to use on your friends:

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To get to the ugly guy's house.

"...oh, ok...."

Hey! Knock knock!

"Who's there?"

THE CHICKEN!
 
Oh man, my little 4-year-old niece tried to tell that joke and kept messing it up in the most adorable way, which made us laugh, which made her think she was killing it, so she'd tell it adorably wrong again, and repeat.
 
Man comes home from church with a black eye. His wife asks him, "What happened! How did you get that black eye in church?!" He answers, "I was standing in the back row of the choir singing like usual and I looked down and saw that Mrs. Jigglebottom had her choir robe kinda stuck in between her butt cheeks. So I discretely reached down and kinda plucked it from between her cheeks. And she turned around and slapped me!" His wife says, "So... Ok, I can see the reason that your left cheek is red but how did you get that shiner on your right eye?" He answers, "Well, when she slapped me and turned around to sing, I figured she wanted her robe in there, so I stuck it back in there for her"
 
UndeadFred said:
What happens when you breed a Mexican with a Chinese? You get a car thief who can't drive.... So much for political correctness...
Click to expand...

And another politically incorrect one:

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Mormon....
A basement full of hubcaps
 
I've been waiting for the PC train to leave...

What do you call a Mexican hitch-hiker?

Stranded.

Olè!
 
My doctor's got me on the Viagra and prune juice diet. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going!

- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Two ducks walk into a bar but find that they have no money to buy drinks. They decide to go beg on the street. The first person they see is an old man. They ask him for money and he says, "Sorry, I left my wallet at home". The second person they see is a young lady. They ask her for money, but all she has is a credit card and some breath mints. The third person they see is a Czechoslovakian pianist. They ask him for money, and he turns to them, and says, "No soap... radio?"
 
hunter_la5 said:
Two ducks walk into a bar but find that they have no money to buy drinks. They decide to go beg on the street. The first person they see is an old man. They ask him for money and he says, "Sorry, I left my wallet at home". The second person they see is a young lady. They ask her for money, but all she has is a credit card and some breath mints. The third person they see is a Czechoslovakian pianist. They ask him for money, and he turns to them, and says, "No soap... radio?"
Click to expand...
...oh, yeah, I get it...
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of scotch. The guy downs the scotch and the bartender says, " Damn you must of had a bad day. What happened?" The guy tells him, " I came home early from work and caught my girlfriend doing it with my best friend!" The bartender pours another triple shot and says, " This ones on me!" He then asked the guy what he said to his girlfriend? " I told her to pack up all her stuff and get out!" The bartender asked, " Did you say anything to your best friend?" " Yep, I looked him right in the eyes and said....BAD DOG!!!"
 
hunter_la5 said:
Two ducks walk into a bar but find that they have no money to buy drinks. They decide to go beg on the street. The first person they see is an old man. They ask him for money and he says, "Sorry, I left my wallet at home". The second person they see is a young lady. They ask her for money, but all she has is a credit card and some breath mints. The third person they see is a Czechoslovakian pianist. They ask him for money, and he turns to them, and says, "No soap... radio?"
Click to expand...

This one reminds me of an oldie:

Two seals are in the shower, one says to the other - "hand me the soap?" The other says, "what do I look like, a typewriter?"
 
A dad finds a stack of BDSM magazines under his sons bed and freaks out about it a little. He shows the stack to his wife. She asks, "What are you going to do about it?" He says, "Well, I'm not going to spank him."
 
What's the difference between a fish, a piano, & a pot of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
 
I tried to make reservations at the library but failed to do so.

They were completely booked.
 
4vMYmU1.png
 
A little old woman goes into a fishmongers and asks for some cod fillets.
The owner replies "we've got haddock, pollock, hake and skate, but I don't have any cod today"
"Okay, I'll come back later" says the customer.
After a few hours, she's back asking for cod again.
The owner replies as before "I've got haddock, pollock, hake and skate, but I don't have any cod today"
"Okay, I'll come back later"
Just before closing she's back, again asking for cod.
By now the owner is getting frustrated so he asks her
"How many D's are in haddock?"
"That's easy, 2"
"And how many L's are in pollock?"
"2 again" she answers.
"Right! And finally how many F's are in Cod?"
She looks puzzled and replies""
"There is no F in cod"
"THAT'S WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!"
 
Bob was on a cross country trip with his family. They get a suite of rooms at a hotel the first night out and he and the wife walk in on the kids watching porn on the TV. Furious, Bob turns it off and goes to have a chat with the manager. The manager apologizes profusely, explains that he can disable it from the office and does so.

Night two Bob and the family stop in at another hotel. While registering, Bob leans in and says quietly, "I hope the porn is disabled". The manager glances at Bob's family and then back at Bob and says, "No, just the regular kind you sick bastard!"
 
Hamaki said:
Bob was on a cross country trip with his family. They get a suite of rooms at a hotel the first night out and he and the wife walk in on the kids watching porn on the TV. Furious, Bob turns it off and goes to have a chat with the manager. The manager apologizes profusely, explains that he can disable it from the office and does so.



Night two Bob and the family stop in at another hotel. While registering, Bob leans in and says quietly, "I hope the porn is disabled". The manager glances at Bob's family and then back at Bob and says, "No, just the regular kind you sick bastard!"
Click to expand...


That's a good one. I hope I can remember to tell.
 
A pirate walks into a tavern and asks for rum from the bartender. The bartender brings him the rum am and then says, "Long John, it's been at least a year since I've seen you but you've changed a lot since then." "The last time I saw you, you didn't have a peg leg."
Long John says, "A cannon ball blew off my leg."
The bartender says. " You also didn't have a hook for a hand"
Long John says, " I lost the hand in a sword fight."
The bartender says, " The eye patch is also something new."
Long John says, "I was standing on the quarterdeck looking up at the sky and a bird crapped in it,"
The bartender says, "You lost your eye from that?'
Long John says, "It was the first day I had the hook."
 
A young boy with a speech impediment dressed as a pirate one Halloween. He went to his first house trick or treating, and a man opens the door, smiles and asks the kid "Well, what are you?" The little boy replies "I'm a birate". The man says "Well, where are your Buccaneers?" And the little boy said "They are right here on my buckin head, what's wrong with your buckin eyes."
 
A blonde and a brunette both jump off the top of the Empire State Building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? The brunette does, the blonde had to stop and ask for directions!
 

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