Stupid Joke Thread!

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I just read that the founder of Ikea passed away. In his honor I'll assemble a few gags...just as soon as I find that 5mm hex wrench...


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Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"
 
MaxStout said:
Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"
Click to expand...

OH MAN!
 
MaxStout said:
Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"
Click to expand...
Awesome. I got revenge, I ate ham with a rauchbier last night. I also sent this to a buddy who's on a golf vacation in Vegas.
[emoji482]
 
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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going ice fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog, you betcha."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like ice fishing!"
"Look! We're going ice fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1. You come fishing with me and the dog... 2. You give me a Beej.... 3. or you take it up the butt!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle and get the dog, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? Ice fishing with me and the dog, beej, or up the butt?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a BJ!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "Jesus, your dick tastes like shiat!"
"Yeah" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
 
A life long resident of the Florida keys, an old man was on his death bed, with his family and the hospice nurse at his side.

Knowing his time was short, he quietly asked the nurse to help him to take a video, so he could record his final wishes.

"To my only son, I want to leave all of my condominiums on the east coast of the island. To my eldest daughter, all of the beach homes on the west side of the island. My business in the middle of the island, I leave to my wife."

With that, he expired. The nurse, not being sure what to say, exclaimed, " wow. I didn't realize your husband was so wealthy."

The wife, with tears in her eyes, said, " are you kidding? That ass was a paper boy his whole life!"
 
Need some beer jokes on this thread.

This one is from the 1980's when we didn't have the choices we have now for beer.

Why does beer go through you so quick? it doesn't have to change color.
 
So, the Wisconsin DOT put in a bunch of roundabouts like they have in England. These worked so well they thought they should start driving on the other side of the road too.

Now this is a big change, so they decide to implement it gradually. For the first week just trucks and buses...
 
Why does a dog lick his balls?



No. It's not because he can. It's because he can't make a fist with his little paw!
 
This guy is walking down the street with his pet giraffe on a warm summer afternoon. He starts to get thirsty and decides to duck into a local pub for a pint. On his way downstairs, his giraffe stumbles making quite a ruckus and ends up sprawled out in the middle of the pub floor.

The bartender exclaims, "HEY! WHATS THAT LYING ON THE FLOOR?"

The guy says, "That not a Lion, its a Giraffe."
 
Two cannibals sitting around a camp fire eating dinner. One says, "You know, after all these years I still don't like my brother-in-law". The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables".

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz? One is a "snack cracker".

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There a skid marks in front of the skunk.

What do you call a blond with a runny nose? Full...

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Please, don't forget to tip your wait staff...they not used to walking upright.
 
Guy walking home from the bar hears a woman hail him from a dark alley.
"Twenty dollars," she says.
What the heck he figures, letting the drink take over his brain.
A few minutes later they are rutting away in the bushes when a cop shines his flashlight on them.
"Hey, what's going on here?" he says.
"I'm making love with my wife, officer."
"Oh sorry, I didn't know."
"Neither did I 'til you shined that light in her face."
 
What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
 
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Tri-Tip.


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.


What do you call the Rancher who helps the cow with no legs?

Hamburger Helper.
 
Read in a Arnold Schwarzenegger voice...

Q: Why did the cow cross the ocean?
A: To get to the udder tide.

Q: What sound do you hear when a cow breaks the sound barrier?
A: Cowboom.

Q: What is as big as a cow but weighs nothing?
A: His shadow.

Q: What did the calf say to the silo?
A: Is my fodder in there?

Q: How do you get a cow to keep quiet?
A: Press the moooote button.

Q: What time is it when a cow sits on your hat?
A: Time to get a new hat!

Q: What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
A. A shadow.

Q: What happens when a cow is exhausted?
A: It cowlapses.

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull dozer

Q: What do cows do in their spare time?
A: Listen to moooosic.

Q: Why don’t cows ever have money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.

Q: Why was it hard to brush the heifer’s hair?
A: She had a cow lick.

Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest.

Q: What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.

Q: How do you make a milk shake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Q: What did one chess playing cow say to the other?
A: Your mooooove.

Q: What do weightlifting cows eat for dessert?
A: Beefcake!

Q: What did the cow say to the wolf?
A: I’ve got no beef with you.

Q: Why are cows so good at math?
A: They love to cownt.

Q: What do you call a fight between two herds of cows?
A: A cattle battle.

Q: Why did the cow cross the playground?
A: To get to the udder slide.

Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose.

Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: The farmer had cold hands!

Q: Why was the cow afraid?
A: She was a cowherd

Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: It’s pasture bedtime!

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder.

Q: What was the name of the cow knight?
A: Sir Loin.

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.

Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.

Q: What is a cow’s favorite deli meat?
A: Bull-ogna

Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: It’s pasture bedtime.

Q:What do you call a cow who works for a landscaper?
A: A lawn moo-er.

Q: Where do cows go to eat lunch?
A: The calf-eteria.

Q: How did the cow get to Mars?
A: It flew through udder space.

Q: What is it called when a cow blends in with his surroundings?
A: Being CaMOOflauged.

Q: What do you call cattle that tell jokes?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: What was the cow’s favorite cookie?
A: Moooolasses.

Q: What were the cows favorite subjects in school?
A: Moosic, psycowlogy, and cowculus

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and Quackers!

Q: Why don’t cows remember things you tell them?
A: Because everything goes in one ear and out the udder.

Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: An Udder-Catastrophe

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer

Q: What was the cows favorite part of math?
A: Moo-ltiplication.

Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia

Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out?
A: The moo-vies.

Q: In which state do you find the most cows?
A: Moo-York

Q: What do you call the spots on black and white cows?
A: Holstains

Q: Where do Russians get milk?
A: From Mos-cows

Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?
A: Decalfenated.

Q: Why did the bull wear a bell around his neck?
A: Because his horn didn’t work

Q: What did the cow say when it heard a person playing guitar?
A: That’s good moooooosic.

Q: How do farmers count their cows?
A: They use a cowculator.

Q: What was the name of the cow at the round table?
A: Sir loin

Q: Why was the barn so noisy?
A: Because all of the cows had horns.

Q: What do you call a cow that can’t give milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
A: The cow-boose.

Q: What did one dairy cow say to the other?
A: Got milk?

Q: What do you get when you cross a smurf with a cow?
A: Blue cheese!

Q: What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
A: Beef Jerky

Q: What animals do you cover up with socks?
A: Your calves.

Q: Where do cow astronauts stop to get a drink?
A: The milky way!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmooer.

Q: What do cows read in the morning?
A: The Daily Moos.

Q: What are grumpy cows called?
A: Moo-dy

Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
A: An animal that can milk itself.

Q: Where do Cow love to go with his friend?
A: For the moovies.

Q: What South American dance do cows like to do?
A. The Rump-a

Q: What will a Cow love to play at parties?
A: Only the moosical chairs.

Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the MOOO-vies.

Q: What kind of animal goes OOM?
A: A cow walking backwards.

Q: What magazine makes cows stampede to the news stand?
A. Cows-mopolitan.

Q: What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.

Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What did the mouse tell the cow?
A: Mooove.

Q: Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
A. He was too much of a bully

Q: What does a cow read every morning?
A moo-spaper.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
A: Roost beef.

Q: Why was the calf afraid?
A. He was a cow-herd.

Q: Which Sesame Street character do cows like most?
A: The cownt
 
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt.


Two cannibals were eating a clown when one says, "does this taste funny to you?"


Two cannibals were walking in the forest when they came across a freshly dead man. Not wanting to carry it back to share with the tribe, they decided to split it and eat it right then and there.

Unfortunately they didn't have any tools to divide it, but one of them had the bright idea, I start at the head, you start at the feet and we will meet in the middle. They proceed eating the corpse and after a while, one looks up in joy and exclaims, "This is sooo much fun, I'm having a ball!"

The other immediately jumps up and screams, "SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE EATING TOO FAST!!"
 

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