Little Johnny had a teacher that would give out a jelly bean for a correct answer. Every time Johnny knew the answer she would call on somebody else. He got tired of missing out on the goodies, so he went to the candy store to get some jelly beans. They were sold out, so he bought some malted milk balls. Now when he is in class, if he knows the answer he just pops one in his mouth. Feeling bored one day he took a handful and rolled them down the isle. The teacher says " Alright. Whose the comedian with the brown balls?" Johnny jumps up and yells " I know, I know. Eddie Murphy. Can I have a jelly bean?"
Stupid Joke Thread!
- Thread starter Schlenkerla
- Start date
Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
Why was the snowman smiling?
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
To visit all his ho ho ho’s.
To visit all his ho ho ho’s.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
What do a train set and your wife’s boobs have in common?
They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.
They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
He sold his soul to Santa.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?
A ho ho ho bag.
A ho ho ho bag.
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
Smellyglove
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- May 17, 2013
- Messages
- 2,807
- Reaction score
- 807
Where does the three-legged horse live?
..in the unstable.
..in the unstable.
BrewerBrad82
Well-Known Member
Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
One got pissed off.
PlexVector
Mellow Goose Brewing
The only good pun is a bad pun...
First joke I ever heard
What is invisible and smells like a banana?
A monkeys fart.
Been thinking hefeweizen farts might work too.
What is invisible and smells like a banana?
A monkeys fart.
Been thinking hefeweizen farts might work too.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Because they have such big fingers.
Do you know Darth Vader wife's name?
Ella
Ella
This is a good one, I overheard it at the Arbys the other day.
What is a pirates favorite fast food place?
Long John Silvers!
(bet you were thinking Arr-bys!)
What is a pirates favorite fast food place?
Long John Silvers!
(bet you were thinking Arr-bys!)
Two muffins are sitting in a muffin pan baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other "Geez, you know, it sure is hot in here", the other muffin responds "Holy cow! A talking muffin!"
why cant miss piggy count to 100
she gets a little frog in her throat at 69
she gets a little frog in her throat at 69
Over Christmas I totally got my niece with the “I know a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it out.”
Her: “Okay. Knock knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Her: *facepalm*
I’m sure she’s gotten her friends at school with that one this week.
Her: “Okay. Knock knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Her: *facepalm*
I’m sure she’s gotten her friends at school with that one this week.
My dog has no legs, what a drag.....
Heard this one a long time ago on David Letterman.
"It's so cold in New York right now that the prostitutes are charging ten dollars just to blow on your hands!"
"It's so cold in New York right now that the prostitutes are charging ten dollars just to blow on your hands!"
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef
ground beef
For the Minnesotans around here: Ole and Lena were driving up from Mankato to the Twin Cities for their honeymoon. When they were about halfway there Ole put his hand on Lena's thigh, and she responded by saying "You can go farther". So he drove to Duluth.
My father-in-law called me up the other day, and after we talk for a while he tells me that he is going to stop following the dog around. I asked him why he was doing that in the first place, and he told me that the dog ate a $20 bill so he was picking through the dog scat and trying to get the bill back. I asked him if he got his $20 back, and he told me that he had not, apparently the bill wouldn't pass, because it was counterfeit...
Guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head doctor says what seems to be the problem duck says get this guy off my ass he's been on me all day.
I realize it's truly horrible and worthy of my being sent to the dog house anyway, but I thought the lack of punctuation gave it a certain zip.
No, it actually didn't. Packing my bags now, thanks.
I realize it's truly horrible and worthy of my being sent to the dog house anyway, but I thought the lack of punctuation gave it a certain zip.
No, it actually didn't. Packing my bags now, thanks.
Then they picked up a hitch hiker who asked, "does this car go to Duluth?" To which Ole replied, "no, it goes 'beep beep' like all the others."
A lost tourist asked a local mainer, "which road do you take to get to Portland?", the mainer replied "you can follow this one, but no need to take it Portland has their own".
True story. I'm from California. I was lucky to be involved in a research program at our local community college, which had a strong diving component and it involved the Channel Islands and some species (abalone, scallop, lobster, mostly - game species, which had been heavily overhunted). We took in an injured moray.
His name was Thatsa.
A kid goes to the drug store to buy some condoms for the first time. The cashier tells him it will be $5.50 with tax. The kid looks confused and replies "I don't need tacks I will just tie them on."
stella_tigre
Queen of the Upper Mississippi
OP
OP
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 16,779
- Reaction score
- 5,896
That is my wife talking to her mother....
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
Similar threads
