I Think I'd Make an Excellent Advice Columnist- Another Rant

Yakima 728
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CreamyGoodness said:
Dear TxBrew,

Night Terrors are no laughing matter, unless you make them funny. This could be a blessing in disguise, as those who have been diagnosed with night terrors are able to get away with all manner of bad behavior if it is thought that their malfeasance came about during such an episode. For instance, I sometimes turn my socks into nunchuks and hit my fiance over the head with them while singing "God save the Queen." When else would I have the opportunity? Your mileage may vary.

Aggressively yours ~Creamy Goodness
Click to expand...

Dear Creamy?,

I took your advice and was brought up with charges as I was napping in the husband section of a local store and accidentally accosted a bus load of tourist with my sock nunchuks.

Where should I go shopping now?
 
Dear Creamy, after a recent visit to the hospital for a brewing associated accident proceeded by a yearly health check up being informed beer is bad for my health. This has traumatized me in the past week as I am beginning to worry that one of my favorite things in life may be secretly trying to kill me. How do I inform my Mother In Law that her green-bean casserole makes me want to vomit.

Sincerely, Slowly Dying.
 
Dear Dying,

I see what ya did thar! It seems apparent to me that your brewing mishap took place BEFORE said beer was consumed. For this reason, I suggest kevlar.

As for your m-i-l's green bean casserole, I would find some preservative in the cream of mushroom soup or in the Durkee fried onions (no m-i-l I know omits these), and say you are allergic. "Sorry Agnes, Magnesium Tribenzoate gives me piles/lowers my sperm count/is giving me gout. Doctor says so!" This will give you at least one holiday function guilt (and green-bean casserole) free. With that said, what the heck is she doing to it? Only green bean casseroles Ive ever had vary between awesome and naked-Bjork-awesome....
 
CG,

I was trying to get sleepy enough to take a nap by reading your column. Then I read "naked Bjork." I can't shake that horrific vision, and I'm too scared to sleep. Help!

-- Busy Fashioning Nun-chuck Socks
 
We all have our perversions Yuri... Bjork always has, and always will be, at the forefront of mine.

Judge not lest ye be judgified.

PS. Google it, it's pretty fantastic. Now if you'll excuse me I have a whole bunch of people to apologize to.
 
Either I killed it...or naked Bjork did. I'm going with the latter.

Maybe I'll go post about naked Bjork in a few other threads that require merciless slaughter...
 
CreamyGoodness said:
So people hate beets and Bjork? What world am I living in??
Click to expand...

Dear Creamy,
There's an advice colummnist on a beer forum I belong to who mentioned naked Bjork. I spent hours looking for authentic pics, but couldn't find any. I think he was lying about them. How do I confront him?

He also mentioned beets , but didn't say anything about lightly brushing them with duck fat and roasting in a hot oven. So he may just be crazy...

Sincerely,
Confused and chasing (his own tail)
 
Dear CG,

I have a 17 month old boy. At what age is it appropriate to employ him in brewing? On a similar note, at what age should I give him his first beer?

Impatient Dad
 
Dear Chasing,

I assure you they are real and available after a quick google search. As for the beets, yes, thats another fantastic application, particularly in a casserole.

~Creamy Goodness

The_Dog_42 said:
Dear Creamy,
There's an advice colummnist on a beer forum I belong to who mentioned naked Bjork. I spent hours looking for authentic pics, but couldn't find any. I think he was lying about them. How do I confront him?

He also mentioned beets , but didn't say anything about lightly brushing them with duck fat and roasting in a hot oven. So he may just be crazy...

Sincerely,
Confused and chasing (his own tail)
Click to expand...
 
Dear Impatient,

It is never too soon to employ your child in the brewing process. At 17 months, I would say you could use your child as a decoy preventing the family dog from getting into the wort. As for the first beer, I would consult my country, state/province, and local laws.

Yours! ~Creamy Goodness

SGFBeerBuzz said:
Dear CG,

I have a 17 month old boy. At what age is it appropriate to employ him in brewing? On a similar note, at what age should I give him his first beer?

Impatient Dad
Click to expand...
 
Pilgarlic said:
I have also found that a 17 month old is useful for the inoculation of sour beers.
Click to expand...

Undoubtedly. Mine was "gardening" the other day, which mostly meant playing in the dirt and then licking his fingers like he just ate original recipe KFC.
 
Dear creamy,
I'm making Green Turkey Chili tonight for dinner but my wife always INSISTS on having a vegetable. Can you recommend a good cassarole as a side?

Thanks,
Hungry and helpless
 
Dear Helpless,

Absolutely. How about strips of cactus, jalapenos/seranos and tomatillos roasted in garlic, sea salt and oil in a ramakin... er.... ramakan.... rasta mon... one of those little clay dishes?

Arse-burningly yours ~Creamy Goodness
 
...BTW, my thesis still holds. Read Dear Abby today and didnt make it past the first paragraph. Bad things happen to bad people, dont drag a perfectly nice person like "Abby" into it....
 
Dear Creamy,

I'm starting to wonder if I'm a real person.

I have employed certain "test" and it seems I may not be.

Any guidance you can provide would be appreciated.
 
Dear TxBrew,

Have you tried pinching yourself? If this doesnt provide the proof you need, take solace in a quote by the great philosopher Edgar Allen Shakespeare "I think therefor I am. Real that is. Or something."

Existentially Yours ~ Creamy Goodness
 
Dear Creamy,

I fear that I have been unfaithful. I woke up this morning to find a woman beside me that was not my wife. On further inspection, she was not breathing either.

As far as I can tell from my surroundings this lady was a thief. She had apparently stolen $50 from my wallet and hid it on top of the bedside table in this hotel room. She then sprayed the room liberally with blood from her self inflicted stab wound and then strangled herself with my belt. I assume she did this because she was seriously depressed for some reason.

Anyway, I have two questions regarding this situation.:

A) Should I dial 911? If so, what is their number?
B) Could I get a yeast infection?

Edit: C) Is it legal to have sex with her again?
 
Dear Laughing Gnome,

This would appear to be no laughing matter. Failure to properly lock your windows and doors at night can, as you have discovered, lead to all manner of undesirables (as smoking hot as they might have been at one time) entering the premises. After this oversight, the LAST thing you want to do is bother the authorities. Havent you caused enough headaches?

You havent made it clear as to whether you were in your own home or if you were elsewhere on business or vacation but either way, I would say rapid and thorough disposal of detritus (and evidence) is called for. I would personally opt against having sex with this woman at this point, mostly due to the unfortunate temperature fluctuations that have doubtlessly happened.

As for a yeast infection, I would suggest a brief but vigorous rub down in whatever is left of the Jack Daniels bottle on the night table.

Rationally yours ~ Creamy Goodness

PS, the opinions expressed in this, and all articles are not necessarily those of Home Brew Talk. Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or overly loved is purely coincidental. If any advice in this article or others begins to smoke, cover head and move to a well ventilated area. All advice unavailable and void where required by law, Alaska, Hawaii, and any state lacking public transportation or decent pizza.
 
CreamyGoodness said:
Dear TxBrew,

Night Terrors are no laughing matter, unless you make them funny. This could be a blessing in disguise, as those who have been diagnosed with night terrors are able to get away with all manner of bad behavior if it is thought that their malfeasance came about during such an episode. For instance, I sometimes turn my socks into nunchuks and hit my fiance over the head with them while singing "God save the Queen." When else would I have the opportunity? Your mileage may vary.

Aggressively yours ~Creamy Goodness
Click to expand...

CreamyGoodness said:
Dear TxBrew,

Have you tried pinching yourself? If this doesnt provide the proof you need, take solace in a quote by the great philosopher Edgar Allen Shakespeare "I think therefor I am. Real that is. Or something."

Existentially Yours ~ Creamy Goodness
Click to expand...

I now have bruises that appear to be inflicted by my wife and am being asked questions by investigators.

Questions like "Do you want cheese with that?" and "Would you like to make it large for $1.00 extra?".

What do I tell these people? I've already dismissed their questions and blamed it on uncontrollable happenstance, namely an earthquake.
 
Dear TxBrew,

A man of stout heart and few words is welcome in our society, but seldom celebrated. While it may seem like the right thing to do, hiding abuse taken at the hands of a woman likely smaller than yourself, it does wear at a man's psyche over time. When these gentlemen and ladies, gentlemen and ladies who are paid with YOUR tax dollars by the way, ask questions the best response is often "yes." Yes, she hit me. Yes, I deserved it. Yes, I'm kidding you. Yes, I'm on anti-psychotic medications such Saphril or Clozoril.

You want to make the process as easy as possible for them. Do I really have to tell you what the answer to "do you want cheese with that" or "large for $1 more" is? The answer is yes, of course.

Exasperatedly yours ~ Creamy Goodness
 
I have a refrigerator that needs to be transported from my mother-in-law's house to my own, but I do not have access to a truck. This refrigerator will be used in my kitchen, which will leave us with an extra fridge which SWMBO has agreed can be used as "a beer fridge."

Also, my brewing equipment is currently at my father's house where I have brewed (hoping to get him into the hobby) for a few years. Now I need to move it all home, and access to a truck would also be handy for that.

How do I steal a truck so I don't have to do anything crazy like trade homebrew for the ability to borrow one?

Also, is it safe to move my batches which are currently in fermentation?

Ben
 
Dear Beer Buzz,

You dont mention your mother or your father-in-law in this letter. Here is my suggestion, get your father to fall in love with your mother in law. Now, when they move in together, you can use their rental truck to move your fridge and equiptment.

Brilliantly Yours ~ Creamy Goodness
 
Dear Creamy,

I am writing regarding the consequences of a problem that I wrote to you about in a letter that you published earlier.

Since writing that letter, I have moved out of my house, and now share lodging with a new room mate. He was not my first choice as a roomy, as I am a little intimidated by his large muscles and teardrop tattoo.

This morning, I awoke to the sound of my teeth being broken out by a very large fist. I noticed my new roomy on the end of said fist and asked him why he did that. He told me that it would stop me biting down on him and spoiling his pleasure.....I have no clue why he ever thought I would want to bite him, so I just laughed it off and put it down to playful fun on his part.

Since then, he has asked me if my mouth has healed yet, and asked me if I was ready for our date. I have looked at the bulletin board in this hotel, and have not seen any special events scheduled so I am assuming he is talking about dinner or something.

What should I wear for such an occasion? I can't seem to find a suit or even my belt or shoelaces. I think the bellboy took them for cleaning.
 
OOC: Rule #62, all threads in all forums will eventually reference prison rape. No exceptions.

IC: Dear Invisible,

Thank you for the follow-up letter! It is always good to see the lives of original posters later down the line. As for your date, while I am not a fashinisto, may I suggest something in orange?

Fabulously yours ~Creamy Goodness
 
CreamyGoodness said:
OOC: Rule #62, all threads in all forums will eventually reference prison rape. No exceptions.

IC: Dear Invisible,

Thank you for the follow-up letter! It is always good to see the lives of original posters later down the line. As for your date, while I am not a fashinisto, may I suggest something in orange?

Fabulously yours ~Creamy Goodness
Click to expand...

Creamy,

Thank you for your quick reply! I showed it to my roomy, and he was impressed with your sense of empathy. He wants you to visit him, but I did better than that!
I took the liberty of Googling your address, phone number and bank details and I passed them onto him, just in case he's interested. He says he's "Coming out" soon. Silly me! I never even thought for a moment he was also fabulous!

I love surprises, and I hope you do too! :)

Thank you so much for your help. I somehow feel that all my problems have just been transferred away from me! :)
 
Today's stupid letter writer award goes to "Am I a terrible person for not wanting my husband to visit his dying mistress in the hospital?"

And people wonder why I drink...
 
Dear CG:

Am I a terrible person for not wanting my husband to see his dying mistress?

Sincerely,
That wacko chick you just mentioned.

PS - Do you think I might have a self esteem problem?
 
Dear Creamy,

When I awoke to the sound of my alarm this morning I said, "Surely that's not right. It has to be the weekend."

After the alarm got done telling me not to call it "Shirley," it reminded me that it was indeed Thursday and I have to go to work today, hangover or no hangover.

You see, last night a very good friend of mine and I had to hammer out a lot of garbage that has built up between us, and in the process we got hammered. I think it was the shots that did me in. Damn Fireball! The generous rounds of Lips of Faith Fresh Hop certainly cannot be to blame. That would be ridiculous.

Anytime in the last couple of years when I have woken up feeling this way, I have time to sleep it off since it would be a weekend. I almost never drink like that on a school night anymore, so you can see my confusion about the current day of the week.

So anyway I dragged my sorry butt out of bed, through my morning routine, downtown and into my local coffee house where I procured a delicious ham and cheese croissant, but no coffee because that tends to make my hangovers worse for whatever reason. I have now consumed that delicious breakfast and I am feeling a little bit better. I will need to drink a lot of water today. I'm in for a very long day, I think. But that's my fault and nobody else can be blamed.

Obviously you know my question already: Will you please explain the second law of black hole thermodynamics?
 
Dear Wacko Chick,

If your letter was indended to garner sympathy from strangers, the motion has worked. The pathos steaming up from what you wrote is enough to make a grown man cry. My advice to you is to "allow" your husband to visit his dying mistress, and change the locks before he gets back. I dont advocate the destruction of property during a divorce, which is why I will suggest using a large blue tarp so his belongings do not get rained on when you put them outside.

Remember, everytime a jackhole like your husband gets away without serious consequences, God kills a kitten.

~Facepalmingly yours, Creamy Goodness
SGFBeerBuzz said:
Dear CG:

Am I a terrible person for not wanting my husband to see his dying mistress?

Sincerely,
That wacko chick you just mentioned.

PS - Do you think I might have a self esteem problem?
Click to expand...
 
OOOOOOF! Haha. So you're feeling a bit better?

I had a tasting event last night that I made into a "drinking" event. I'm right there with you.

PistolsAtDawn said:
Dear Creamy,

When I awoke to the sound of my alarm this morning I said, "Surely that's not right. It has to be the weekend."

After the alarm got done telling me not to call it "Shirley," it reminded me that it was indeed Thursday and I have to go to work today, hangover or no hangover.

You see, last night a very good friend of mine and I had to hammer out a lot of garbage that has built up between us, and in the process we got hammered. I think it was the shots that did me in. Damn Fireball! The generous rounds of Lips of Faith Fresh Hop certainly cannot be to blame. That would be ridiculous.

Anytime in the last couple of years when I have woken up feeling this way, I have time to sleep it off since it would be a weekend. I almost never drink like that on a school night anymore, so you can see my confusion about the current day of the week.

So anyway I dragged my sorry butt out of bed, through my morning routine, downtown and into my local coffee house where I procured a delicious ham and cheese croissant, but no coffee because that tends to make my hangovers worse for whatever reason. I have now consumed that delicious breakfast and I am feeling a little bit better. I will need to drink a lot of water today. I'm in for a very long day, I think. But that's my fault and nobody else can be blamed.

Obviously you know my question already: Will you please explain the second law of black hole thermodynamics?
Click to expand...
 
I'm still struggling. I've had worse, but this is probably the worst I've felt at work in years. Luckily it's quiet today.
 

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