( advice ) wife doesn't like me home brewing

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Sounds like it is your medusa in law that is the problem. Good luck man, you're gonna need it.
 
Take advice on a forum with a grain of salt. Every person has their own way of dealing with things. What everyone said on here might not work for you.

With that said, I think there could be a few problems. If she is getting upset because you are spending money then maybe you guys need to talk about your finances. Maybe buying ingredients and equipment might not be in your budget right now. Or maybe she just doesn't know how much it really costs. If you are just starting off, it is expensive especially if you start buying things like wort chillers, 10 gallon pot and burner. But once you have what you need the batches cost $30 to $60 (depending on the beer style). So maybe she thinks you are spending more than you really are.

Another issue could be she doesn't want you to have that much beer in the house. Some people just don't like drinking or seeing other people drink.

Then this could be something completely not related to brewing but she is taking it out on your hobby.

I think all in all you can either keep doing it because it is your hobby or talk to her about it. I personally would talk about it. There could be an easy solution to it all. If you talk about it you can fix it. If you don't talk about it you could be causing more problems later on.
 
Definitely sit down and do a budget. We did that and we know what we can and cannot do. My mother in law lives with us and we do have differences. One good thing, she has her own setup, completely private from us but she will come over whenever she pleases. Just had to have a talk with her the other day that our finished living room and kitchenette in the basement is no longer called "the basement", therefore it is no longer a dumping ground for all of her junk. I set it up to be a brew station and also my husband will be making a reloading station down there. BUT, she likes beer, likes to have her cocktails and she can't wait to try my batch when it is ready!
 
I agree with the bulk of those who recommend a good honest talk about the topic. I would like to also suggest maybe a side gig to help differ the cost. I am an electrician so I collect scrap copper which can be fairly lucrative. The money I get from copper pays for brewing and nothing comes out of any house money
 
Backwoodsbrewing said:
I agree with the bulk of those who recommend a good honest talk about the topic. I would like to also suggest maybe a side gig to help differ the cost. I am an electrician so I collect scrap copper which can be fairly lucrative. The money I get from copper pays for brewing and nothing comes out of any house money
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I don't necessarily recommend this because some people simply may not have the time in their schedule, but this is also what I have done. Not collecting copper, but I got a second, part-time job to offset the cost of brewing.
 
Yooper said:
I agree!

...feels that you may start drinking too much, can create resentment of that hobby.

...
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Just to point out the silliness of this, I've never been married, we've never met, you know nothing about me, and you're asking me for relationship advice.

I think Yooper may have hit the mark. Is there a possibility that your wife is concerned about something else? your drinking, the time you spend with your friends, etc? and is just afraid to confront you straight on?

As for the MIL, as long as you live within three hours' drive of the ol' battle ax, you will never have a moment's peace.

But what the hell do I know?
 
cjhammel said:
I also try to make sure that I fully clean up plus a little more. Like when I make my yeast starter the kitchen is clean and dishes done. She likes brew time because she gets a cleaned and sanitized kitchen.
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Me too. When I'm all finished brewing, I wash the kitchen floor, without being asked. That, plus the outdoor propane burner eliminates any possible complaints.
Plus, of course, I usually manage to schedule my brewdays when my wife is away for the day..........:rockin:
 
Tell her you could use the same equipment to make meth... would she prefer that?
 
Damn I'm lucky... Guess I should marry the one I got. She loves my home brewing because she can drink it.
 
wow! thanx for all the feedback. money is not an issue. I make more than the average income. In reading your comments I think the bigger issue is the time that I put into my beers.
 
brewbeginner said:
wow! thanx for all the feedback. money is not an issue. I make more than the average income. In reading your comments I think the bigger issue is the time that I put into my beers.
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A lot of good advice in here. Going to try to keep this short.

Obviously the problem isn't brewing. It sounds like you're a younger guy in a new relationship. I'm not so old myself so I can relate to your social situation.

What I've come to understand is that the modern American woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

Best way I've found to handle these is to not handle it. You want a husband or a dad? I'm no good? Find someone else. Nine times out of ten the neediness is to appease their lack of self esteem. If you start down that path and play the game she'll keep asking herself if you'll do another thing. Before you know she's cheating on you because you've let her push it that far. "If he can forgive me he really loves me." There's no end to that self serving, depressed state of mind.

Be the man in the relationship. Make the tough decisions. Even if it hurts.
 
I will echo the sit down with SWMBO. Communication is key in all relationships. Tell her that you have noticed that she does not seem to entirely approve of your hobby and ask if there is something in particular about it that bothers her. Since you say it isn't exactly financial, yet that is what she brings up, there is something there that is bothering her. Ask, finances seem to be used when there is another motive. It could be as simple as time (she may want you all to herself which isnt necessarily a bad thing), or she fears that you may become an alcoholic. Homebrewing has some negative reputation because most people picture homebrewers as the guy from that stupid Buffalo Wild Wings commercial or a prisoner making prison wine.

The MIL seems to have some stigma against it as well, she may be the root of the problem. The MIL may be swaying SWMBO's feelings and making her unsure of your hobby. So I will say again, talk with your wife in a calm understanding way. do not listen to the "grow a pair", and "be a man" advice and find out what the problem is before you decide one way or another.

Then again, I am a faceless dude on the internet. I am the authority on everything. Listen or don't as you will and definitely take my advice with a grain of barley.
 
Whenever my wife rolls her eyes at me brewing beer for 5 hours on a saturday (though Im still more than attentive to the kids / house) during that time, or when I sneek away into the basement to play some video games, I kindly remind her that her husband (me) could easily be out golfing for half the day, and playing softball 2 nights a week after work, or going to the gym from 7-8pm (I wake up at 5am to lift in the basement now so that I can be done by time I get the kids ready for school - wife leaves for work at 6:30am).

..oh and I cook dinner when I get home, without even taking off my office attire... despite her being home since 3:30.....this thread is now about me!!!
:smack::smack:
j/k...just make sure you are helpful around the house, and she should be cool with it and any other man-hobbies you have (within reason).

Oh, and next time, use the spent grains to make fresh baked bread, she'll slowly think your hobby is awesome. My wife looks forward to the breads.
 
brewbeginner said:
wow! thanx for all the feedback. money is not an issue. I make more than the average income. In reading your comments I think the bigger issue is the time that I put into my beers.
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Didn't read the whole thread, but as far as time goes I do try to minimize the impact on SWMBO. Whether its only brewing if she goes to visit her sister, or just during the day when she'll be out and about, that seems to help. My wife is supportive but would get annoyed if my brewing put her out a lot. I also took my brewing operation outside (Bayou classic burner), which also minimizes impact. Good luck!
 
Just celebrated 14 year anniversary yesterday with swmbo. She got me into the hobby, and I'm sure she regrets it haha. She gets annoyed that I love to brew and spend my free time reading up on it and talking about my love of it. But the issue is moreso that I have a hobby and she doesn't have something similar to look forward to. Either way, the sitting down and talking to her sounds like a good plan.
With 2 little ones, I realize that I can't enjoy all my hobbies, so I don't get to fish nearly as often as I used to (oce a month versus 7 days a week pre-kids), but that's a part of compromising. Ah, the things we'll do for the love of beer...and of course for the love of your life...
 
Plenty of good advice; IMO having this conversation over a nice dinner just the two of you can go a long way.

The first 2 years my wifes opinion was influenced by her mom and grandma. That drove me nuts until I finally started point blank asker her if that is her opinion or mom/grandma's.
 
ronpopeil said:
a lot of good advice in here. Going to try to keep this short.

Obviously the problem isn't brewing. It sounds like you're a younger guy in a new relationship. I'm not so old myself so i can relate to your social situation.

what i've come to understand is that the modern american woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

best way i've found to handle these is to not handle it. You want a husband or a dad? I'm no good? Find someone else. Nine times out of ten the neediness is to appease their lack of self esteem. If you start down that path and play the game she'll keep asking herself if you'll do another thing. Before you know she's cheating on you because you've let her push it that far. "if he can forgive me he really loves me." there's no end to that self serving, depressed state of mind.

Be the man in the relationship. Make the tough decisions. Even if it hurts.
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wtf?
 
Tell her its cheaper than cars, motorcycles, quads, or paintball.

At least thats what I told mine.
 
RonPopeil said:
A lot of good advice in here. Going to try to keep this short.

Obviously the problem isn't brewing. It sounds like you're a younger guy in a new relationship. I'm not so old myself so I can relate to your social situation.

What I've come to understand is that the modern American woman is ridiculously insecure. They're raised to look for a knight in shining armor. In today's society that means someone who will cook,clean,work and give her the pants in the relationship. Basically, as a man, you're supposed to finish raising daddy's little girl for him. Since they don't know how to take care of themselves they act out and get insecure.

Best way I've found to handle these is to not handle it. You want a husband or a dad? I'm no good? Find someone else. Nine times out of ten the neediness is to appease their lack of self esteem. If you start down that path and play the game she'll keep asking herself if you'll do another thing. Before you know she's cheating on you because you've let her push it that far. "If he can forgive me he really loves me." There's no end to that self serving, depressed state of mind.

Be the man in the relationship. Make the tough decisions. Even if it hurts.
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ForeverAlone.png
 
Just don't say that it's "cheaper than a sportscar" or "cheaper than the bar." Because then you won't be allowed to do those things. :D ;)
 
I guess I should feel lucky that my husband puts up with all my hobbies and allows me to make my own decisions about things I would like to do.
Oh, wait... did I mention I brew him beer?
 
Your wife is well into the process of turning into her mother. The MIL won't ever be happy, even if all you do is sign over your paycheck, never make eye contact & always say "yes dear."

Have a quiet, sit down chat with your wife & explain that homebrewing is something you enjoy, just like whatever hobby she enjoys. Explain that you don't like it when she berates your hobby or you; just like she wouldn't like it if you did that to her.

If that doesn't work, maybe explain that the more she & her mother carry on about your homebrewing, the more time & money you'll be forced to spend on it as a way to escape from their harping on you.
Regards, GF.
 
Melana said:
I guess I should feel lucky that my husband puts up with all my hobbies and allows me to make my own decisions about things I would like to do.
Oh, wait... did I mention I brew him beer?
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I can just see this conversation.

Him: "Honey, I'm here to support and empower you. I don't want you to let anything get in the way of you brewing beer, follow your passion, chase your dreams..."

"Any chance you could learn how to make Dorito's?"

The man is a genius :ban:
 
I'm feeling pretty lucky reading this thread. My wife loves the smell when I brew (about the only smell I create she enjoys). She'll help me if I ask and she likes my brews better than any commercial or craft beer she's ever had (as do I). Her mom likes the stuff too, in fact I just gave my MIL a 12-pack to take home this past weekend.

I'd like to think that even if my wife didn't like beer or the smell, she'd still be OK with my homebrewing, since we want each other to be happy and support one another.

And you know what? Neither of us "wears the pants" - we actually treat each other as equals. Seems to work pretty well.
 
Kozzer said:
I'm feeling pretty lucky reading this thread. My wife loves the smell when I brew (about the only smell I create she enjoys). She'll help me if I ask and she likes my brews better than any commercial or craft beer she's ever had (as do I). Her mom likes the stuff too, in fact I just gave my MIL a 12-pack to take home this past weekend.

I'd like to think that even if my wife didn't like beer or the smell, she'd still be OK with my homebrewing, since we want each other to be happy and support one another.

And you know what? Neither of us "wears the pants" - we actually treat each other as equals. Seems to work pretty well.
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OMG you both run around naked from the waist down? Must be a fun household!
:ban:
 
Melana said:
I agree with that sentiment. We do exist however. The main objection that I had was the generalization was made that all women are unable to take care of themselves.
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That's where that guy lost me. We're not all incapable of taking care of ourselves and we're not all looking for someone to take care of us.


OP: Speaking only as a woman, if I felt as though I wasn't getting enough face time with my SO and he started a new hobby that took more time away from our time together, then I would likely feel some resentment. Likewise, I try to be cognizant of the time I spend on my hobbies. If my week rounds out to a point where there is only time to brew or time to spend with the better half then I will spend it with the better half, if he doesn't like brewing with me.

FWIW, I've been with guys who are insecure and have no hobbies. They bitched and moaned about my hobbies and it came down to time spent with them. So men can act and think similar to women. They tend not to admit it as freely. ;)

Talk to your spouse, that will always result in a better outcome than asking online and hoping there is a cookie-cutter answer for everything. There is no shame in facing your problems and your balls will still be considered to be in tact, if that is a concern. :)
 
Hello said:
That's where that guy lost me. We're not all incapable of taking care of ourselves and we're not all looking for someone to take care of us.


OP: Speaking only as a woman, if I felt as though I wasn't getting enough face time with my SO and he started a new hobby that took more time away from our time together, then I would likely feel some resentment. Likewise, I try to be cognizant of the time I spend on my hobbies. If my week rounds out to a point where there is only time to brew or time to spend with the better half then I will spend it with the better half, if he doesn't like brewing with me.

FWIW, I've been with guys who are insecure and have no hobbies. They bitched and moaned about my hobbies and it came down to time spent with them. So men can act and think similar to women. They tend not to admit it as freely. ;)

Talk to your spouse, that will always result in a better outcome than asking online and hoping there is a cookie-cutter answer for everything. There is no shame in facing your problems and your balls will still be considered to be in tact, if that is a concern. :)
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Nicely put!
 
People on this forum do not know you or your wife. We don't know about your finances. We don't know your personalities or how you relate to each other.

It would wise to disregard much of what's said in this thread. There are no perfect generalizations that can be made for any given relationship. Each of us are different.

What I do know is that my wife generally likes me to be happy, and I generally like her to be happy. She lets me pursue *some* of my hobbies, and I let her watch her crappy tv shows. She can let me maintain my hobbies only because I've been able to control the number of them the past several years. If I didn't, it would be chaos around here! We do have to follow some sort of budget.
 
Cider123 said:
I love these marriage advice threads. It gets iffy when when you ask for marriage advice on a beer forum.

Sounds like you got a couple of pains in the @#$% in your life. This is more than a beer issue. Good luck.;)
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My wife doesn't care what I do and I don't care what she does, as long as she doesn't spend my money:ban:

Kidding... But seriously, buy her shoes when she gets mad about your hobbies costing so much. For me, a $100 pair of shoes equates to me spending maybe $500 on random crap before she's like, wtf?
 
I agree with the suggestion that you disregard most of the advice on this forum. No one knows your situation.

Have a conversation with your wife to find out what is bothering her about you're hobby. Assuming you have a good relationship with your wife, that should be an easy conversation to have. If not, you may have more issues than just brewing beer.
 
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