Stupid Joke Thread!

[lumpher]

What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Rish]

A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun. It turned out okay; he's recovered now.

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

I was digging a hole in the woods when I unearthed a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run into the house and tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

 

[Sailingeric]

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says ,"I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks, "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"​

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

 

[balrog]

I started this month with a goal to lose 10 pounds.

Only 15 to go.

 

[jcav]

Why does Smokey The Bear and his wife never have sex?

Because every time she gets hot, he hits her with a shovel.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

An old man goes to the doctors and says to the doctor I’ve just married a 20 years old woman and I want to ensure we have children what should I do.

The doctor says get a lodger, then come back in 6 months and give me an update.

The old man returns to the doctors 6 months later.

The doctor asks the old man did it work getting a lodger?

Yes the old man says, my wife is pregnant and so is the lodger.

 

[Rish]

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.

 

[Rish]

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.

 

[Brooothru]

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.

Two guys were out hiking in the high desert one day and stopped to drain the bladder. While exposed, one of the hikers got bitten by a rattlesnake on his exposed ’appendage.’

His friend called an emergency health information line, and the respondent told him how to cut two incisions into the wounds and then suck the venom out.

The friend hung up the phone, looked sadly at his friend and said, “Sorry man, the Doc said you’re gonna’ die.”

 

[doug293cz]

Two guys were out hiking in the high desert one day and stopped to drain the bladder. While exposed, one of the hikers got bitten by a rattlesnake on his exposed ’appendage.’

His friend called an emergency health information line, and the respondent told him how to cut two incisions into the wounds and then suck the venom out.

The friend hung up the phone, looked sadly at his friend and said, “Sorry man, the Doc said you’re gonna’ die.”

I heard Bob Hope tell this joke back in (about) 1969, at a live performance that was part of the Univ of Wash Homecoming festivities. The friend was Bing, but I think the bite was on the butt (the actual words were "happy fat" with point to the backside.) Of course, cell phones didn't exist back then, so Hope had to walk into town and back before delivering the prognosis.

Brew on

 

[Brooothru]

Actually, I told Hope the joke, except I was the hiker and SWMBO’d was the friend. I think her exact words were, “Sorry Honey, Doc says you’re going to die.”

Lucky for me I got a second opinion.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

I had too much to drink at the bar last night so I took a bus home. Not a big deal for some but it's the first time I've ever driven a bus.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

A horse walks into a pub, the barman says why the long face.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I went to the doctor and said every time I have a cup of tea I get a pain in my eye.

The doctor says try taking the spoon out of the cup.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I went to the doctor and I said doctor I feel like I’m a pair of curtains.

The doctor said pull yourself together.

 

[lumpher]

Sometimes I get a little out of sorts. You know what really burns my arse? A fire about 3 feet high.

 

[balrog]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal, on 14 November 2019 at 3:26pm. It was a Thursday and looked like rain all day but it never did.

 

[lumpher]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal, on 14 November 2019 at 3:26pm. It was a Thursday and looked like rain all day but it never did.

On that day, at that time, I was working on a particularly difficult networking for a guy named Scott out of an office building exactly 4.3 miles from the center of Cleveland. He was using a Dell 5143 server with 256gb ram and trying to connect it to a Cisco router...

 

[Abrayton]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal, on 14 November 2019 at 3:26pm. It was a Thursday and looked like rain all day but it never did.

I’m thankful that my wife reminds me of my name every morning.

 

[ncbrewer]

We need a support group.

 

[balrog]

We need a support group.

Um, I believe that’s why God invented the interwebz

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

Oh yeah?

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[wepeeler]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I'll have a rum...................................................
and coke."

Bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

Bear says, "I was born with them."

 

[balrog]

And now, for something completely different - philosophy humor and literature jokes:

 

[Steveruch]

Um, I believe that’s why God invented the interwebz

Al Gore invented the internet.

 

[balrog]

Reminds me of the logic joke,
God is love
Love is blind
Therefore
Ray Stevens Charles Stevie Wonder is God

 

[Brooothru]

Reminds me of the logic joke,
God is love
Love is blind
Therefore
Ray Stevens is God

I think you meant Ray Charles, as in:

“Man, that was so obvious even Ray Charles could’ve seen that one coming.”

 

[balrog]

I think you meant Ray Charles, as in:

“Man, that was so obvious even Ray Charles could’ve seen that one coming.”

I didn't realize how awfully bad I'd missed that until the next morning.
We clearly need a Random Drunken Stupid Joke Thread.

 

[BongoYodeler]

My uncle was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A man goes to the zoo.

The only animal in the whole zoo was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 

[BeerAndTele]

When my grandma turned 65, she started walking 10 miles a day.
Now she's 82 ... and we have no idea where she is.

 

[ba-brewer]

I heard most accidents happen within 10 miles of your home so I moved 20 miles away.