Stupid Joke Thread!

[Sailingeric]

I said "Hey man, get away from the back of my boat!"​

Yeah, I gave him a stern warning

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

View attachment 832260

I must be a bit slow. I had to read it two or three times before the light went on.

 

[balrog]

I must be a bit slow. I had to read it two or three times before the light went on.

I'll just go ahead a warn ya about the factorial joke now then...

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

View attachment 832315

Wouldn't it be, "MThealphabet"?

 

[balrog]

<there was more, but I self-edited it as tasteless, bordering on infantile, and I thought I'd save the mods some effort>

 

[camonick]

 

[grampamark]

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, and Guinness walk into a bar....
...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."
The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"
He responds, "well, nobody else did."

 

[Sailingeric]

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer​

I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

 

[balrog]

If you had to choose between drinking whiskey each day or being skinny the rest of your life, which whiskey would you choose?

 

[huckdavidson]

What's the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?

A good girl is home @ 9 and in bed by 10.
A nice girl is home @ 10 and in bed by 9.

 

[balrog]

So I'm sitting in a bar across from two large women who have a thick brogue, and I say, "Cool accents are you two from Scotland?"
One yells back, "IT's WALES YOU IDIOT!"
I say, "Ok, so are you two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that

 

[grampamark]

Didja hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog…

 

[day_trippr]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[BongoYodeler]

An elderly man rear-ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car" he yells. You're gonna give me $10,000 right now or I'm gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!"

"Oh my", says the old man, I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he'll know what to do."

"Dolphins", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son, and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?

Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I'm gonna beat you AND your old man to a bloody pulp".

"I'll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end".

Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road.

When he's finished, he walks over to his father and says: "For the LAST TIME dad... I train SEALS... NAVY SEALS... NOT dolphins"

 

[Sailingeric]

When should you go to a Mexican hospital?​

In queso of an emergency

 

[balrog]

A shark can swim faster than a human.
A human can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathalon, it comes down to which is a better cyclist.

 

[balrog]

 

[Cheshire Cat]

its just one month until Christmas so don’t forget to put the Brussel sprouts onto boil to ensure they’re cooked.

 

[balrog]

View attachment 834770
its just one month until Christmas so don’t forget to put the Brussel sprouts onto boil to ensure they’re cooked.

20 minutes roasted at 400F

With bacon, naturally.

 

[BongoYodeler]

20 minutes roasted at 400F

With bacon, naturally.

Naturally. And when you take them out of the oven toss them with a balsamic glaze, candied pecans, and a little crumbled goat cheese.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

The guy at the furniture store assured me that the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems.

I didn't buy it.

I don't think I even know 5 people without any problems.

 

[Sailingeric]

I want to tell a joke about African countries. But I can’t think of any….​

Kenya help me?

 

[ncbrewer]

A guy was sent to prison. Someone in the cell block shouts "51", and everyone in the block breaks out laughing. A half hour later someone shouts "18", and everyone in the block breaks out laughing. He asks his cellmate what's going on. Cellmate says they've all heard the jokes so many times, they know how they go. So they numbered the jokes. When you want to tell a joke, you just shout out the number. The new guy wants to try it, so his cellmate tells him some of the jokes and the numbers. The new gut shouts "24" - there's dead silence. He asks the cellmate why. He says "Well, some guys can tell a joke, and some guys can't."

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it were served warm
it would be
justwater

 

[Brooothru]

Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it were served warm
it would be
justwater

Ouch!

A double pun that is both intellectual and funny. Well played, sir. Well played.

 

[balrog]

Speed has never killed anyone.


Suddenly becoming stationary is what will get you

 

[Brooothru]

Speed has never killed anyone.


Suddenly becoming stationary is what will get you

Yeah. For certain, that would leave a mark, depending on velocity.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Broken Crow]

Speed has never killed anyone.


Suddenly becoming stationary is what will get you

Yeah. For certain, that would leave a mark, depending on velocity.

 

[Brooothru]

Well, let’s see. Hhmm.. (9.8m/sec)^2 x (mass of a swallow) x h(height in meters) = terminal velocity > the speed of heat. Kinda?

 

[balrog]

Well, let’s see. Hhmm.. (9.8m/sec)^2 x (mass of a swallow) x h(height in meters) = terminal velocity > the speed of heat. Kinda?

Depends on the cross section of whatever said swallow is laden with I should think. V^2 drag of that and any carelessly tied bits of creeper used in the ladening.

 

[balrog]

A slice of pie in Barbados is $2.00
A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.50
A slice of pie in Trinidad is $5.00

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

[balrog]

A man went on a trip to the Holy Land with his wife and her mother. While there, the mother sadly passed. The undertaker said it would be $150 to bury her in the Holy Land and $5000 to ship her body home. He said he would ship her home. When asked why, the man said, “2,000 years ago, someone was buried here who rose again after 3 days. I can’t take that chance,”

 

[balrog]

Husband: “I’d like you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother”

Wife: “Why does it say ‘Do not resuscitate’?”

 

[day_trippr]