Success!
Just wanted to share an update for closure and for future troubleshooters, but the last batch I made had zero off taste and was fantastic. I used home-filtered tap water from the hose, campden tablets in any water that makes it to the carboy, switched to Kveik Voss yeast, let the wort cool to 60-70 F before transferring it to the carboy, where it would inevitably cool even further (I know ideal pitch temp is a little warmer than that). On top of that I don't wash with soap or sponge any more, just PBW and campden treated tap water. I have a second batch fermenting right now, different recipe, same process, and I'll update how that turns out. Thanks for the help, everyone!
Side note, Kveik is a beast, I've never had to use a blow off tube before, but that stuff just explodes and keeps chugging way longer than Safale-05 ever did for me!