Stupid Joke Thread!

[ba-brewer]

Seen on the news this morning it is going to get to 118F in Las Vegas today. I am so glad what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Brooothru]

View attachment 825290

Give ‘em a meter, they’ll expect a kilometer.

 

[balrog]

I understand they never reached the end

 

[balrog]

 

[wepeeler]

5 ants moved in with 5 other ants, and now they're tenants.

 

[balrog]

Last one. I have other things to do.
Really.

 

[DBhomebrew]

Seen on the news this morning it is going to get to 118F in Las Vegas today. I am so glad what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

Not so much, eh?

 

[ba-brewer]

Not so much, eh?

Not since social media

 

[DBhomebrew]

Not since social media

I'm not sure what social media has to do with global high temps.

 

[ba-brewer]

I'm not sure what social media has to do with global high temps.

Maybe not global high temps but in isolated cases it can get people in hot water.

(It was just a stupid joke, it meant nothing.)

 

[balrog]

I've been sharing some of all y'all's best and my daughter sent this in return.

What's the opposite of formaldehyde?

Casualdejekyll.

Yup. Apple not falling far from tree.
And yup, "all y'all". Cuz where I grew up, "y'all" is singular; "all y'all" is plural.

 

[Sailingeric]

Growing up in South Georgia, "all y'allsens" is also acceptable plural form

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

View attachment 825807

<groan>
(but I did smile just for a second)

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

(In my Mom's house, that'd be a great example of "You're never too old for an azz-whoopin'")

 

[balrog]

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of projects. When I got home, he'd only done items #1, 3 & 5 on the list.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

 

[huckdavidson]

What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?

Very little.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

I asked a friend of mine if he drives his DeLorean regularly. He told me he just drives it from time to time.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Yesterday I threw a ball for my dog. You might think that's a bit excessive, but I think he just looks really good in a tux.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

In my teens I lived on a houseboat.
I dated the girl next door.

Eventually, we drifted apart.

 

[balrog]

What starts and ends with an "E" and has only one letter in it?
An envelope


I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[soccerdad]

A Scot and his wife were out for a walk in the city.
As they went past the fancy new restaurant the wife said, "Oh darling, aren't those smells divine?"
So feeling like he really owed her ...
He walked her past again.

 

[DBhomebrew]

Reminds me of the one about Ol' Paddy who really, truly loved his wife of 30yrs of marriage. I mean, really, truly loved her. So much so, he almost told her.

 

[Sailingeric]

John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies​

When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:
“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”
John replied: “ohhh, were you that redhead hooker I banged in the bathroom stall at Shannon’s a couple of years back while we were both on coke?, you certainly look good”
The redhead replied: “No sir…, I’m a kindergartner teacher and I teach Timmy, your 5 year old son…”

 

[soccerdad]

Paddy had been stranded on a deserted island for nearly two years.
As he sat gazing at the beach looking for his next raw fish meal, he saw a gorgeous woman in a wet suit surface out in the surf and start walking toward him.
He knew it was a hallucination until she unzipped a sleeve pocket, pulled out a flask and asked, "Would you like some fine Irish whisky?"
Then she unzipped a pocket on the other sleeve and offered him a fine Cuban cigar.
As he was thinking that he might have died and gone to heaven, she started to unzip the main zipper and asked, "Would you like to play around?"
"My God woman, he replied, don't tell me you have a set of clubs in there!"

 

[Brooothru]

Paddy had been stranded on a deserted island for nearly two years.
As he sat gazing at the beach looking for his next raw fish meal, he saw a gorgeous woman in a wet suit surface out in the surf and start walking toward him.
He knew it was a hallucination until she unzipped a sleeve pocket, pulled out a flask and asked, "Would you like some fine Irish whisky?"
Then she unzipped a pocket on the other sleeve and offered him a fine Cuban cigar.
As he was thinking that he might have died and gone to heaven, she started to unzip the main zipper and asked, "Would you like to play around?"
"My God woman, he replied, don't tell me you have a set of clubs in there!"

Yep. He had died and gone to Heaven.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Brooothru]

View attachment 827462

Depends on how you define Kung Fu. Some are (or at least were) more, er, energetic?

 

[Rish]

A recent study shows that women who are slightly overweight live longer than men who point it out.