Stupid Joke Thread!

[Dave77]

A Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it. I said, "No way."

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

I asked my wife to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home; she just grunted.


I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

 

[balrog]

Last night at a bar, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note: I suck at darts.

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

RIP, boiling water.
You will be mist.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know what comes first.

 

[Sailingeric]

A woman dies and the police discover she was the madam at an illegal brothel​

They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bob, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bob won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.
A few weeks into the investigation Bob goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.
"Well," Bob says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the next woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 60 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."
The shocked supervisor looks at Bob and says "I can't believe it Bob. Thirty seven years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[BandonBrewingCo]

Got a pet duck but he started getting bitey so I had to get him a muzzle. Settled on something discreet. It's not very fancy but it fits the bill.

 

[agentbud]

My doctor told me I have a condition where my body is unable to produce its own alcohol. So now I take a daily supplement.

 

[balrog]

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

I told her I didn't know he bowled.

 

[balrog]

Every weekend I tell myself, "John, you gotta cut down your drinking, man."


Thank God my name's not John.

 

[balrog]

It's illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

 

[Sailingeric]

Whenever my wife gets upset I let her color in my tattoos​

She just needs a shoulder to crayon

 

[Brooothru]

Whenever my wife gets upset I let her color in my tattoos​

She just needs a shoulder to crayon

Oh, great!

I told my wife this joke. Now she wants me to get tatted!

 

[CKuhns]

Funny, my wife just had her tattos re-colored. (Wouldnt let me do it with sharpies.)

 

[3 Dawg Night]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter; he's not coming.

(My daughter hates that one.)

 

[ncbrewer]

What do you call a dog with no legs, in front of the door?

Matt

 

[3 Dawg Night]

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

 

[DBhomebrew]

That's just what she calls herself.

 

[Rish]

This morning my wife said she missed me. That's usually a good thing but she said it while she was reloading.

 

[balrog]

Jokes that only work in today's age:

 

[Rish]

I went to the Weight Watchers website and they asked me if I accept cookies.

Is this a trick question?

 

[Sailingeric]

I had a job interview yesterday and they asked if I'm able to perform under pressure​

I said no, but I can perform a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

 

[Imhoppy]

Why are horses smarter than humans?

Horses don't bet on people.

 

[Imhoppy]

Saw it on a bumper sticker...

Wife and dog missing.
Reward for dog.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

Happy Independence Day!

I noticed today that all my hot dogs look the same.


I'm thinking it's because they're in bread.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new maternity machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. ... But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. All was going well until they arrived home and found the milkman was lying dead on the porch..

 

[balrog]

 

[Jack_0106]

What's the difference between and enzyme and a hormone.....



...You can't hear an enzyme...

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Julius Caesar never said "Thank You" in his entire life.

This is most likely due to the fact that he did not speak English.

 

[Sailingeric]

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.​

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

 

[balrog]

Hint: you've just been Rick-rolled.

 

[agentbud]

^ now I'm gonna being singing that song all day.

 

[Broken Crow]

^ now I'm gonna being singing that song all day.

You have not really experienced it unitl you have heard it in the original Klingon: (which I have to listen to now )