Stupid Joke Thread!

[Hoochin'Fool]

View attachment 838226

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[ncbrewer]

Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[bruce_the_loon]

Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Karen: Excuse me? This is my glass? THIS is MY glass!? No, no. MY glass was full. And it was a bigger glass.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

One teacher told my kids not to worry about spelling as in the future everything would be handled by autocorrect.

For that they are eternally grapefruit.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

I was all excited to take one of those Viking River Cruises.

Then I learned you don't actually get to loot towns and monasteries along the way.

 

[Sailingeric]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl." Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."​

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise
not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

 

[Sailingeric]

A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...​

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.
On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink as an adult. So they go to the local pub, where the father proudly puts the head on the bar and orders two shots of the finest. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing, but goes and gets the drinks.
The father takes the drinks, cheers the glasses together, and takes down his shot while pouring it into his son's mouth. Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly, dramatically, it sprouts an entire torso!!
"What the hell!?", screams the dad... "Bartender!! Two more shots!!"
And they do it again, and the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and BOOM, the son sprouts two arms!!
"Unbelievable!!", screams the dad... "Two more shots!!!"
And this time, of course, the son, delirious with happiness, does his own shot... and the subsequent shaking and wiggling leads to him instantly sprouting two legs!!
"Two more shots!!", screams the dad!!
"Holy ****!! Wait!!", screams the son, "Look! I can walk!! I can run!!" -- and with that, the son goes running out the door, straight into traffic, and gets obliterated by a bus.
"Hmmm... ", says the bartender... "Should've quit while he was a head."

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl." Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."​

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise
not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

so it took me days but I finally found where I'd heard that before. I was in grad school and saw a folk singer, Mike Cross, who did a song basically like this.

https://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/tab/mike-cross/old-paint-peeling-chords-2996366

 

[Lampy]

Anakin Skywalker loves beer from America's oldest brewery.
He can really kill a pack of Yeunglings.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Aubergine

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Cheshire Cat]

Quay

Key

 

[balrog]

Bread puns happen
When you yeast expect them

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because Americans are getting taller.

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change

 

[balrog]

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is "sexy librarian".

That's where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?”
“Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?”
“Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.
“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
“Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.
“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Brooothru]

View attachment 838832

Samuel Beckett: It's February 30th, and the glass is Waiting for Godot.

 

[balrog]

is Waiting for

?

 

[Brooothru]

View attachment 840628

?

Godot. Not Bardo, or her more contemporary counterpart. Poor young'uns today don't know what they missed with Bridgette, Marilyn, Jayne, et. al., in the 50s & 60s. Oh, to be an adolescent prepubescent boy again!

 

[day_trippr]

A lot of movie posters from those days could never be hung in a theatre lobby today

 

[Brooothru]

A lot of movie posters from those days could never be hung in a theatre lobby today

Like this one of Rachel Welch, circa 1967? And this one is less risqué than others.

 

[balrog]

 

[pvtpublic]

View attachment 840686

It's a two-ply pair of pliers. Say that out loud.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BongoYodeler]

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

 

[Cheshire Cat]

 

[balrog]

 

[lumpher]

View attachment 840686

It's what in Texas we call 1/2 a toolbox. It's just missing duck tape and wahr... (duct tape and wire, in yankee-ese).

 

[balrog]

It's what in Texas we call 1/2 a toolbox. It's just missing duck tape and wahr... (duct tape and wire, in yankee-ese).

I'm from TN; it's "Wye-uhr".
Two syllable word.

Oil is three syllables.

In KY, oil is one syllable.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

View attachment 840686

I’m confused; women wear a pair of panties, but only one bra! Shouldn’t that be the other way around???