Need Your Advice

[jzamora3]

Good evening gents!


So I'm getting married in October. I've been with my fiance for 4 years and we've definitely had our ups and downs over the years. She SUPER close to her family, especially her brother who she's views as a 2nd father.

So my bachelor party is being planned right now. A weekend rager in Vegas with 3 of my closest friends. My initial thought is to not invite the brother due to the fact that I don't really know him and this is a "special" trip for me and my boys. I'm not planning on doing anything stupid, but don't know how comfortable I would be (and how comfortable) he would be as the "third" wheel since he doesn't know anyone.

Vanessa (my fiance) initially demanded that he be invited but now she's somewhat guilting me into by sayings, "it's your choice, I'd like you to invite him, but I'll support whatever decision you make."

If it was a weekend in town of golfing and drinking then yeah, I'd have no problem inviting him but this is turning into a somewhat elaborate trip that my best man is planning.

So do I invite the guy and "keep the peace"? Our families have somehow butted heads thought the wedding planning....

Or do I be somewhat selfish and say this is my one last hooo-rah and I'll get to know the guy over the years?

Help me out guys. I can see both sides but not sure what side is the right way.


Cheers!

 

[jzamora3]

Oh and if it helps the discussion, the brother is part of the wedding party. The three other guys going are also groomsmen.

 

[Homercidal]

We probably don't know enough about any of you guys to offer any good advice.

That said, remember that you have to live with this woman for the rest of your life. It pays to make her happy.

You might be surprised at how quickly you can get to know a person when you let your walls down. Maybe her brother just needs a little decompression time too?

As long as you don't do anything that would affect your relationship with her. I've seen the documentary "The Hangover", and I know how quickly things could go Sideways!

 

[Gravity]

Invite him, he may say no and recognize it's your "last hurrah" or may say yes and come with, which in that case bond with your new brother in law

It's not like people don't know what happens at bachelor parties

 

[Dcpcooks]

A shmbo moment if ever I've seen one! All kidding aside I can't help you with your struggle.

 

[mongoose33]

If he wasn't in the wedding party I'd say you were good to exclude him. But since he is....

I can understand that you may see this as one last chance to let your hair down with your buds, and your future BIL may be a wet blanket on the proceedings. And yet, he may actually turn out to be OK, and inviting him may be the thing that starts to break down any walls between you.

NOT inviting him is not going to do a thing for future relations.

Now, if you suspect SWMBO wants you to invite him as a kind of chaperone, then there are other things going on here, including why she may think you need a chaperone. Don't know if that's in play here.

Homercidal is right, we're all kind of flailing at this, but the above may give you something to think about.

Knowing what we know, I'd invite him. There will be other days, and frankly, weddings are for the bride, not the groom. Smile, make it be great for her, and enjoy as best you can.

 

[jzamora3]

Thanks for the replies. I understand, there's more to this than I could explain in a few paragraphs. Maybe my mind has been clouded because my groomsman have basically told me "hey this is 100% your deal. The other parts of the wedding are 100% hers." Note: they are all married men.

I guess there's no real bad thing that could happen by inviting him. I just want to make sure that this trip is fun for everyone involved. I guess another worry I have is for me to so something "stupid" in his eyes and report every detail back to SWMBO. I don't think she has that intentions but I feel like he would do that in order to try and protect her.

I'll swallow my pride and invite the guy and hope for the best. Like I said, not planning on doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage but do want to let loose and have a good time.

Thanks for the discussion. I've got to learn to get out of my selfish ways....

 

[Inkleg]

Our families have somehow butted heads thought the wedding planning....
Cheers!

The wedding should be about the two of you not your families. You and your fiancé should book a cruise to Hawaii find a minister to perform a beach side ceremony with just the two of you and leave all the worries on the mainland.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

I guess there's no real bad thing that could happen by inviting him. I just want to make sure that this trip is fun for everyone involved. I guess another worry I have is for me to so something "stupid" in his eyes and report every detail back to SWMBO. I don't think she has that intentions but I feel like he would do that in order to try and protect her.

I'll swallow my pride and invite the guy and hope for the best. Like I said, not planning on doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage but do want to let loose and have a good time.

Unless he's a wet blanket on a regular basis, his presence probably won't ruin anything.

However, this is one of those events where you should have some semblance of discussion with your fiance about what is and is not acceptable behavior.

For example, my ex-wife basically knew there'd be strippers involved in my bachelor party, and although she may not have liked it, was okay with it. Had things progressed beyond that (i.e. a last hurrah being physical contact beyond lap-dance level), it would have crossed a line.

My girlfriend (who will one day be my wife) and I have a different take on it. Partly because I'm older now and see no need for strippers, and partly because of some of her own history in past relationships, we're on the same page that it's not even a thing that I'm planning on involving in the bachelor party. I'm much more into golf, cigars, steak dinner and a LOT of beers. However, even if it involved strippers, I know exactly where the line is: if my group of guys wanted to go *TO* a strip club, I'd be okay. If it involved getting a stripper back to a house or a hotel room, it would cross that line.

If you're marrying this woman, you should both be adult enough to discuss what is and is not OK, and to respect each other's boundaries on that. Once you have that understanding, you know what lines can't be crossed and thus any effort on his part to be a "chaperone" are really quite unnecessary. And frankly it then shows maturity on your part to invite him: although there might be dancing naked ladies involved (if she's cool with that), you have nothing to hide.