Yeah, dude. No stupid questions. We all had the same question(s) before our first lagers... here goes.
Mash temp. Just know that a higher mash temp results in longer sugars that are harder to convert and you will end up with a higher FG and sweeter beer. Lower mash temp with result in most all of the sugars converted and you'll end up dryer.
Since I like to keep this one slightly sweet, I'll aim for strike water about 166°. That'll give me a mash temp of the mid to high 150s. I'll hold it here for an hour.
Boil. Nothing special here. Boil for an hour adding hops per the schedule.
Yeast. 34/70 is a very hardy yeast. You can go anywhere from low 50s, all the way up to room temp fermentation with no off flavors. I've always subscribed to high in the range for lager yeasts, and low for ale yeasts. So for this recipe, I cool to the low 70s, pitch one sachet of yeast, then put in my fermentation chamber set at 58°.
Fermenting temps/times. I let this ride for two weeks. After two weeks, I raise the temp to the 70s for a few days to help finish up any fermentation. I usually do this by just taking the fermenter out of the fridge.
After a few days, I put it back in the fridge and start slowly lowering the temp to the low 30s. I do this by dropping the temp a few degrees a day until I get to ~34°. Once it is at this lagering temperature, leave it here for one month (up to a few months if you want, but not needed). The slow decrease helps not to shock the yeast into flocculating and dropping out of solution (cold crashing).
Fining. After a month has past, it's time to clear. I do this 3 days before I want to keg. Get yourself some powdered unflavored gelatin. Fill a measuring cup with about 1/2 - 3/4 cup water. Stir in 1 tsp of gelatin per 5 galloons of beer and heat in the microwave. Your temp goal here is about 150°. Hot enough to dissolve the gelatin, but not too hot to make jello. I like to do this in about 20 second bursts, stirring in between with an instant read thermometer.
Pour this into the fermenter right away. Be mindful not to splash and definitely don't stir. Just pour it distributed around the surface and it will do its job. Don't worry about the temp difference, it won't heat the beer at all.
Let the beer sit for another 3 days, then keg. Carb it how you normally do and enjoy!
Impatient rapid lager 'I want beer now' mode: After fermentation is complete, forgo the long lagering period by dropping the temp to 34°, wait 2 days, add gelatin, wait 2 days, keg, and drink. It can finish lagering in the keg while on tap. You can now taste the difference between a lager and a lagered lager the longer it sits.
Link to gelatin -->
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