Dear HBT...
- Thread starter agrazela
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Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:
Send it to the official HBT consumption control unit, conveniently located at my home.
Sent from here, because that's where I am.
Sent from here, because that's where I am.
Ridire is wrong. It's at my house. And it sounds like you need a bigger pipeline.
boydster
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This is a new game, right? I like.
Dear HBT,
I've been getting some killer headaches from my home brew. After reading about the need for temperature control, I finally decided to try using a reptile heater to make sure my yeast wasn't getting too cold, and also added some alka seltzer (2 tabs) directly to the cooled wort on my most recent brew. I've been able to get from my usual ambient temps in the 70's up to about 95. The alka seltzer makes a nice krausen within about 10 seconds. Still, I'm getting the headaches. What should I do? The recipe I've been using is 8% 2-row, 60% carapils, and 32% dextrose, hopped with 1 oz Warrior 90 and an onion at flameout with an additional alka seltzer tab added as a dry hop 45 minutes before bottling. Please help!
-Migraine in Maine
Dear HBT,
I've been getting some killer headaches from my home brew. After reading about the need for temperature control, I finally decided to try using a reptile heater to make sure my yeast wasn't getting too cold, and also added some alka seltzer (2 tabs) directly to the cooled wort on my most recent brew. I've been able to get from my usual ambient temps in the 70's up to about 95. The alka seltzer makes a nice krausen within about 10 seconds. Still, I'm getting the headaches. What should I do? The recipe I've been using is 8% 2-row, 60% carapils, and 32% dextrose, hopped with 1 oz Warrior 90 and an onion at flameout with an additional alka seltzer tab added as a dry hop 45 minutes before bottling. Please help!
-Migraine in Maine
gratus fermentatio
Well-Known Member
Dear Boydster:
All you really need is a live iguana in your homebrew. Use a toilet plunger to push the lizard down into the fermenting wort. You have to be vigilant though, as the iguana will try to escape & may bite. Iguanas have a natural yeast under their scales & this is just the thing to cure your headaches. Some people use lead weights to keep the iguana down in the wort, where the reptile scale yeast will do the most good. And don't worry if the lizard poops in the wort, it's all natural & will become yeast food.
If a live iguana is not readily available, use a live water moccasin. The venom will boost your abv.
boydster
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Dear HBT,
Thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate the help. I don't have an iguana, but I do have a Cuban knight anole. Unfortunately, they are not the nicest lizards and he bit my finger when I tried to put him in the beer. I'm ok, but I needed a band-aid.
After that debacle, I considered the water moccasin solution. Being in Maine, the best alternative snake was a garter snake. I caught one, but it also bit me and while it normally wouldn't hurt, this one stole my band-aid and the air exposure on my now twice bitten finger caused it to sting a bit and I lost the snake in the confusion.
The stinging sensation reminded me that I just recently received my colony of bees for my startup meadery, though, and being Africanized bees (Creamy really did me a solid by mentioning he got the same kind in another moment of HBT enlightenment) I figured their venom should work OK. Let me tell you... I was wrong.
I put on my beekeeper suit (DIY post coming soonafter some small tweaks, it was fashioned from a discounted radiation suit from a seller I found in Northeastern Japan) and headed out to the hive with an empty milk jug, saran wrap, and tweezers. Before you could say "Poop a purple twinkie," I was covered in bees. Relevant fact: THE SUIT DID NOTHING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE STINGING! Needs more duct tape reinforcement, I think. I digress.
Upon returning to my home, I removed the stingers and poison sacks from my body with the tweezers and added them to the fermenter. Here is where I may have really messed up... I forgot to sanitize them. Is my batch ruined?
Thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate the help. I don't have an iguana, but I do have a Cuban knight anole. Unfortunately, they are not the nicest lizards and he bit my finger when I tried to put him in the beer. I'm ok, but I needed a band-aid.
After that debacle, I considered the water moccasin solution. Being in Maine, the best alternative snake was a garter snake. I caught one, but it also bit me and while it normally wouldn't hurt, this one stole my band-aid and the air exposure on my now twice bitten finger caused it to sting a bit and I lost the snake in the confusion.
The stinging sensation reminded me that I just recently received my colony of bees for my startup meadery, though, and being Africanized bees (Creamy really did me a solid by mentioning he got the same kind in another moment of HBT enlightenment) I figured their venom should work OK. Let me tell you... I was wrong.
I put on my beekeeper suit (DIY post coming soonafter some small tweaks, it was fashioned from a discounted radiation suit from a seller I found in Northeastern Japan) and headed out to the hive with an empty milk jug, saran wrap, and tweezers. Before you could say "Poop a purple twinkie," I was covered in bees. Relevant fact: THE SUIT DID NOTHING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE STINGING! Needs more duct tape reinforcement, I think. I digress.
Upon returning to my home, I removed the stingers and poison sacks from my body with the tweezers and added them to the fermenter. Here is where I may have really messed up... I forgot to sanitize them. Is my batch ruined?
Pretty sure they meet once a week at your local church.
Also, the snake thing is a really bad plan, and bees are even worse. Sorry, but your batch can't be saved.
You really do need to go for actual iguana, otherwise you're not making the best beer possible so why even bother?. If you can't get iguana, there's a mail order store in Mexico City that sells iguana extract. Highly illegal in the US though, so they usually have to smuggle it inside a shipment of blow.
I'm pretty sure you can substitute with narwhal anus.
Are you TRYING to end up in the hospital?
Succumb. Then, feel the power, let it course through your veins. You're awesome now. Can you feel it? That's right, there's nothing you can't do now. Kapow.
You're welcome.
I've heard that to sanitize once using the narwhal anus you would need the breast milk from a virgin mermaid caught during a full moon.
sandyeggoxj
Well-Known Member
Dear HBT,
My beer was missing something and boy am I glad I found this! I happened to have a water moccasin living in my bathtub so I plunged him into my carboy. That really did the trick I think. The problem now is that when I try to siphon out my beer into the keg he keeps biting the end of the siphon and swallowing it. This pretty much blocks all the beer. I tried to tell him not to do it but he just looked at me like he DGAF and then rolled over and passed out again. What can I do? I already sent him to AA but he just quit and said that AA was for quitters?!
I have had enough of this damn water moccasin and I just want to put him back in the bathtub!
Please Help,
Slimey Snake
My beer was missing something and boy am I glad I found this! I happened to have a water moccasin living in my bathtub so I plunged him into my carboy. That really did the trick I think. The problem now is that when I try to siphon out my beer into the keg he keeps biting the end of the siphon and swallowing it. This pretty much blocks all the beer. I tried to tell him not to do it but he just looked at me like he DGAF and then rolled over and passed out again. What can I do? I already sent him to AA but he just quit and said that AA was for quitters?!
I have had enough of this damn water moccasin and I just want to put him back in the bathtub!
Please Help,
Slimey Snake
Well you have to use a pair of chopsticks to get him out of the carboy. It must be done while he's passed out, otherwise he will order takeout and you'll never get him out.
sandyeggoxj
Well-Known Member
Thanks for the help. But what am I going to do with all this chinese food then? It just showed up at the door and I am not very hungry.
Feed it to your Narwhal.
Yes.
boydster
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Apparently every home brewer should have an iguana. They are ravenous for lo mein. Probably egg rolls, too, if you cut them up. But not General Tso's. That's narwhal food, for sure.
Dear HBT,
I finally acquired a rather large iguana, what is the best procedure to get said iguana in my carboy?
Thanks, Up to my neck
Sent somehow magically in a way I don't understand
I finally acquired a rather large iguana, what is the best procedure to get said iguana in my carboy?
Thanks, Up to my neck
Sent somehow magically in a way I don't understand
boydster
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I'm entertaining the thought of using a blender to make a puree, but I'm a total noob with iguanas. They swim, FYI, so you may want to use a dry hop sack with lots of marbles if you are going to try to add it whole. I think a funnel and wooden spoon could also be of use, but that is just conjecture.
wrong wrong wrong wrong! if you are adding a whole live iguana, you'll want to heat up the carboy to about 175F, put the iguana over the top, and then lower the carboy in 32F water. the vacuum of the cooling carboy will suck the iguana in whole and alive. and to insure everything gets mixed properly, roll the carboy down the basement steps a few times. I have done this 100,000,000 times with no problems.
boydster
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This is where I would normally complain about the instructions that came with my iguanna, but then we all know how awful kit instructions really are. They wanted me to feed it, and provide some sort of housing... Thanks HBT!
we're here to help! just like the new vid in here. https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f14/what-do-you-do-after-you-brew-most-amazing-beer-ever-477201/index15.html
I'm still listening (I can stare at my own counter tops). I want to put his tiles into my beer.
Dynachrome
Well-Known Member
I read iguana wrong at first - what I read isn't fit to publish. That is all I can say.
agrazela - great thread starter BTW.
Dear HBT,
I made a beer that is reddish brown, very clear and has cherries in it. I didn't pit the cherries. Next time, I'd like to use narwhal horn, but don't know which end to put in first. Can anyone tell me how many amps it takes to start yeast?
I made a beer that is reddish brown, very clear and has cherries in it. I didn't pit the cherries. Next time, I'd like to use narwhal horn, but don't know which end to put in first. Can anyone tell me how many amps it takes to start yeast?
Don't know about everyone else, but I use 3 car batteries wired in parallel. Works better if you mix 1 part yeast slurry to 1 part Crisco before you pitch.
boydster
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A 9 volt battery works fine, but the Tim Taylor "More Power" solution never hurt anyone making a yeast starter either. Except during the great yeast uprising of '97, but that was for issues unrelated to your question.
Iguanas? Amateurs. I have one word for you: Komodo Dragon.
Sent from here, because that's where I am.
Sent from here, because that's where I am.
Counting the minutes before this thread gets binned to the Chit Chat forum
Dear HBT,
If I am involved in a thread that gets binned to the Chit Chat forum does that make me a bad person?
Signed, Chit Chatty in Cincinnati
If I am involved in a thread that gets binned to the Chit Chat forum does that make me a bad person?
Signed, Chit Chatty in Cincinnati
No, no, no you must wire the batteries in series and wire to the clock tower lightning rod by precisely 10:04 on your flux capacitor won't start and your yeast will be forever trapped in 1955.
Sent from my iPad using Home Brew
Counting the minutes before this thread gets binned to the Chit Chat forum
I am sorry my friend but if we can't even ferment one teeny little iguana with our house beard yeast (no starter, 9V or otherwise) then this BELONGS in the chit chat forum.
Well, if you're going for natural saliva yeast, yeah. Now, if you really want to punch it up- gila monster.
please. I use my technique with angry river crocodiles. after they've been bitten by many boomslangs and rubbed down with poison tree frogs.
Pft...glia monster. If you LIKE the taste of tannins. Have you never read Palmer?
Sent from here, because that's where I am.
TheVenerableMead
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Dear HBT,
I recently found a clone recipe for 5 gallons of Harp Logger. It was going really really well until I realized I had misread the directions and used one pound of hops instead of one ounce. Now its kind of bitter tasting. So I found a formula for adding water to reduce bitterness. Now the alcohol content is WAY down LOL. My question is, I found a recipe for fortified wine and was wondering if you can do the same thing for beer? Since Jameson whisky is Irish it shouldn't really affect the flavour of the beer, but how many bottles should I add to bring 15 gallons of beer up to 5% ABV?
I recently found a clone recipe for 5 gallons of Harp Logger. It was going really really well until I realized I had misread the directions and used one pound of hops instead of one ounce. Now its kind of bitter tasting. So I found a formula for adding water to reduce bitterness. Now the alcohol content is WAY down LOL. My question is, I found a recipe for fortified wine and was wondering if you can do the same thing for beer? Since Jameson whisky is Irish it shouldn't really affect the flavour of the beer, but how many bottles should I add to bring 15 gallons of beer up to 5% ABV?
BBL_Brewer
Well-Known Member
You guys are all nuts. Brewing with live iguanas? Using batteries for yeast starters? How ridiculous. You should chop your iguana into tiny pieces and freeze them. Its much cheaper this way because once their dead you don't have to feed them anymore. Mix 1 part iguana to 2 parts antifreeze. If you don't have antifreeze handy, just drain some out of your car. You'll have to make a starter before you brew, but that's half the fun. Instead of batteries, every time I walk by a starter I rub a balloon on my head and then touch the starter vessel. This generates plenty of static electricity and eliminates the need for clumsy wires. In the winter time I don't even need a balloon, I just drag my feet on the carpet. Tell your wife to stop using dryer sheets if you're having trouble zapping your starters.
If starters just aren't your thing, you can always re-pitch. Just chop a hole in you bucket lid for the iguana's head and you can keep it alive. You can keep re-pitching until the iguana dies or off flavors develop. It helps to give the iguana a can of red bull at the start of every batch.
If starters just aren't your thing, you can always re-pitch. Just chop a hole in you bucket lid for the iguana's head and you can keep it alive. You can keep re-pitching until the iguana dies or off flavors develop. It helps to give the iguana a can of red bull at the start of every batch.
