Apocalypse beer

[MrFancyPlants]

I am a semi experienced home brewer, and I have a challenge to make the most beer like prison wine possible given limited ingredients.
Malted milk powder
Sugar
Brown sugar
Honey
Coffee
Hot chocolate mix (don’t have decent cocoa powder that I would prefer.
I actually do have some decent hops, but thinking I better go real sparingly until dry hop, because a thin body is real easy to over hop.

My yeast cake is S-05 with orval dregs.

I like malty beers like ESBs. What tips do you have for building body using mainly sugars.

Should I throw it all in the pressure cooker for a while to try and darken it up some?

I realize there is a slim chance this will turn out well, but I’m not really feeling the group grain buy at the moment.

 

[MrFancyPlants]

1.5lb malted milk
1lb brown sugar
1.25 lb granulated sugar
.75 confectionary sugar
1 pot strong dark coffee.
More than a dash of hot cocoa mix.
2 gas ex tablets(not sure if it helped with the boil over
2 campden tablets( in case we have chloramine this time of year)
Dash sea salt (because why not)

4 hour boil

2 oz Julius hops after it had cooled in the sink a while.

2oz Julius for dry hop

I put under pressure in the pressure cooker for a short while, hoping to caramelize with the milk proteins but it only seemed to “clump out” all the protein. The boil was pretty smooth up until that point. I wonder if I hadn’t pressured if the protein would have offered more body to the beverage or if it would have precipitated with the changing ph of fermentation anyways?

I realize this should be in the prison wine section of the forum and not the recipes, but we are bubbling away now. And at least the fermentation is more akin to a beer than a cider at this point. I blew the stopper of the carboy last night.. glad I kept it in the tub.. I mean toilet of my jail cell.

 

[MrFancyPlants]

Anyone have suggestions for grocery store ingredient beer? Beano tab mash, oats, cornstarch and flour?