For a while now I have known my marriage is going down a path that no one wants to admit. We are growing apart, our interests just aren't the same as they once were. I'm okay with this, truly I am. I understand this happens. We are staying together simply out of convenience. We don't fight and it's not terrible to spend time with her. Yes we have discussed this and are both on the same page. I choose to take a second job in order to get myself financially stable to be on my own. I wasn't looking for anyone else the thought didn't even cross my mind. Then one day a few months ago I run into a woman who fits what my mind tells me is the perfect woman for me. Here is where things get sticky. No I have not been out with her. There is no cheating going on here. The sticky part comes in because she is also married. She to is unhappy with her marriage. We have talked and like each other but neither of us is willing to cross any lines. I find she is on my mind all the time. From the minute I wake up until I go to bed. I can't get her out of my mind. This is not a good time to get involved but, I want to. I find myself going out of my way to see her just for a few minutes. I feel like a kid with a high-school crush. I smile on the inside when she sends me a simple text. I am really confused on what to do next. I have no children with my wife but the woman I am interested in has 3. I don't want to cause her any problems but I can't stop trying to find ways to spend time with her. What to do?
Trouble in paradise
- Thread starter klcramer
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You hit it on the head - you have a high-school crush. Perhaps the best thing to do is to deal with your marriage, first, whether that's to work on it or end it, leaving this other woman out of things.
Damn, that sucks. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and divorce is not an option unless that path is unavoidable (physical abuse, arguing everyday, lives being threatened, etc). I can't offer you advice because I'm not in your situation, but I'd like to think if it were me I'd maintain the marriage.
Have you really thought about helping to take care of 3 kids when you currently don't take care of any? That's a HUGE life change and one you may not be ready for once you're immersed in it.
Have you really thought about helping to take care of 3 kids when you currently don't take care of any? That's a HUGE life change and one you may not be ready for once you're immersed in it.
You have to find a way to put it out of your mind. The way you describe your current marriage, would you call it a loveless marriage? If there truly is no feelings there, then you need to address that first and get a divorce so that the two of you can move forward emotionally. If you cannot accept that you are in a loveless relationship, then you owe it to yourself to try to make things work so that you NEVER have any "what if" feelings.
Once you get that out of the way (whichever way it turns) then you pursue the avenue of choice. If you feel you still need contact with this woman, then tread lightly. But if you choose to stay with your wife, then work hard to keep both of you happy. But most of all, be honest with yourself about your feelings. Don't try to convince yourself about how you feel about either woman, it WILL bite you in the a$$.
Once you get that out of the way (whichever way it turns) then you pursue the avenue of choice. If you feel you still need contact with this woman, then tread lightly. But if you choose to stay with your wife, then work hard to keep both of you happy. But most of all, be honest with yourself about your feelings. Don't try to convince yourself about how you feel about either woman, it WILL bite you in the a$$.
Work on your marriage. Whichever way it goes.
And I advise forgetting about this other woman. Let her do her own thing with her marriage.
I personally could not forgive myself for breaking up someone else's marriage, no matter if they claim to be on rough ground. I know a few people who would say their marriage is in trouble just to sleep with someone else. The grass is always greener as they say. And younger, and lusher, and more vibrant, and will do things in bed that a wife hasn't even thought about...
And I advise forgetting about this other woman. Let her do her own thing with her marriage.
I personally could not forgive myself for breaking up someone else's marriage, no matter if they claim to be on rough ground. I know a few people who would say their marriage is in trouble just to sleep with someone else. The grass is always greener as they say. And younger, and lusher, and more vibrant, and will do things in bed that a wife hasn't even thought about...
Sounds like an infatuation. You've been feeling that you're in this loveless relationship, and now there's someone out there that's giving you attention and making you feel good and wanted again. You're probably having the same effect on her. Doesn't mean that this woman is *the one* for you, or that you're *the one* for her.
Whether you stay in your marriage or not, none of us can say but it seems worthwhile for you to at least explore some counseling before making any final decisions.
Whether you stay in your marriage or not, none of us can say but it seems worthwhile for you to at least explore some counseling before making any final decisions.
r8rphan
Well-Known Member
Run away from the other woman as far and fast as you can.. The fantasy you have in your mind of how things will be is not the reality..
Do the things with your wife you did when your love was new.. Date her again.. pursue her.. I bet that what was there in the beginning is still there if you look for it..
Work on 'you' and the commitment 'you' made... That's the only person you have any control over... Then, after having done all 'you' can.. you will have a clear conscience no matter what happens...
Rent or buy the movie "Fireproof"... (immediately)... It's not too late... It can be better for you guys than it ever was...
You didn't mention how long you guys have been married...
Prayers for you this morning.....
Do the things with your wife you did when your love was new.. Date her again.. pursue her.. I bet that what was there in the beginning is still there if you look for it..
Work on 'you' and the commitment 'you' made... That's the only person you have any control over... Then, after having done all 'you' can.. you will have a clear conscience no matter what happens...
Rent or buy the movie "Fireproof"... (immediately)... It's not too late... It can be better for you guys than it ever was...
You didn't mention how long you guys have been married...
Prayers for you this morning.....
Henrythe9th
Well-Known Member
A relationship is like a job you have to make it work, it does not "just happen"
communication is the key, people do grow differently, you have to try to go down the same road
communication is the key, people do grow differently, you have to try to go down the same road
superjunior
Well-Known Member
I agree with the other posters here. You owe it to your wife, your marriage and yourself to try to rekindle what you once had.
My wife and I are in the same boat (nobody else involved) but the flame just isn't there anymore. Our interests changed, we grew apart and almost started living separate lives like roommates.
People change. Marriage is hard work and must constantly be maintained to prevent needing repair. My wife and I are working hard at it and I find myself falling back in love with her again. Things are getting better.
I honestly hope things work out for you, I really do. Whatever you decide tho I wouldn't just give up on your marriage without a fight, and the other woman is just going to complicate things for you emotionally.
good luck man
Dan
My wife and I are in the same boat (nobody else involved) but the flame just isn't there anymore. Our interests changed, we grew apart and almost started living separate lives like roommates.
People change. Marriage is hard work and must constantly be maintained to prevent needing repair. My wife and I are working hard at it and I find myself falling back in love with her again. Things are getting better.
I honestly hope things work out for you, I really do. Whatever you decide tho I wouldn't just give up on your marriage without a fight, and the other woman is just going to complicate things for you emotionally.
good luck man
Dan
Interesting how I can have a dream about a girl in high school last night and come on here to find this this morning. A dream can sometimes be realistic enough to stir up feelings. Reality is a different story.
In real life, Dexter is the "other man" right now for her. And Zev Bellringer is my "Other Woman"...
EDIT: Not to be confused with Xev Bellringer, although I'd like to go on record as saying that I would not turn Xev away if she were real...
In real life, Dexter is the "other man" right now for her. And Zev Bellringer is my "Other Woman"...
EDIT: Not to be confused with Xev Bellringer, although I'd like to go on record as saying that I would not turn Xev away if she were real...
triethylborane
Well-Known Member
You are fortunate not to have children with your wife given the current situation.
You guys are full of great advice. Thank you. I have decided to limit contact with the other woman. It's very hard she is on my mind quite a bit. I had to set outside of the situation and look at the whole picture and I noticed that I may have been wanting to see something that may not have really been there. I think I was being used as a way to boost her self esteem and all it really did was bring me to a place I should be. To answer a few questions I have been married for ten years now and even though we do not have any kids together I have custody of two girls from my first marriage. I do know what it's like to raise kids but taking on 3 more just doesn't seem like a good option. I need to get my head on straight for my own benefit. I want to say thank you to all. I took no offense to any comments made and really appreciate you all putting your thoughts in. I came to my decision before I read these comments and they reassure me I am at least taking one step in the right direction. Where my marriage is going I'm not sure. It's time for me to get my life back for me. Thanks again.
rycov
Well-Known Member
the thing about the other woman is that she is still a woman. as men we expect them to be what they usually fall short of. she seems so perfect because for now you are at a distance. when you get close you will realise that she too has much bigger flaws than you imagined. i've ran into a similar problem before. you aren't really happy with your wife so your seeing another woman as an ideal. she's not. if you truly aren't happy then either work on it or get out of it (you have the luxury of not having kids at this point). but don't form any opinions on other women at this point. not untill you have delt with the one you have.
Scooby_Brew
Well-Known Member
OMG! I'm sorry, did you just say you are married and you are hoping to have an affair with a married woman, a mother of three? And you post it here WHY?
rycov
Well-Known Member
OMG! I'm sorry, did you just say you are married and you are hoping to have an affair with a married woman, a mother of three? And you post it here WHY?
yeah. pretty bad. but still, i think the other woman has been built up in your head to be what you want. i doubt she would bring you any happiness.
Definitely try dating your wife again. My gf and i have had some rocky times, but we keep working on it. Do you guys touch? Touch is a powerful thing. As other posters have said marriage is hard work, hell, ANY relationship with a woman is hard work!
One of the things that helped me was http://www.doubleyourdating.com. No need to become a player, but the advice is sound and it works.
Best of luck to you!
One of the things that helped me was http://www.doubleyourdating.com. No need to become a player, but the advice is sound and it works.
Best of luck to you!
I give you credit for not acting upon the fantasy that your mind has created. Man, we all have fantasies and it is SO easy to build something up in your head that doesn't exist. There's nothing wrong with thinking about something...
I agree with the other replies that suggest courting your wife. Can you guys agree to meet in the middle and try something new for both of you? Try starting something new... go away for a weekend, etc. Ten years is a lot of years to walk away from.
Is there any love left at all? If there is it's worth it. Hey, finding someone that you can live with and not want to kill on sight is HUGE!
Good Luck!
I agree with the other replies that suggest courting your wife. Can you guys agree to meet in the middle and try something new for both of you? Try starting something new... go away for a weekend, etc. Ten years is a lot of years to walk away from.
Is there any love left at all? If there is it's worth it. Hey, finding someone that you can live with and not want to kill on sight is HUGE!
Good Luck!
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