Stupid Joke Thread!

[Schlenkerla]

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer

 

[Schlenkerla]

A man walks into a bar on a Friday evening. He tells the bartender, "I’d like three shots of your finest Irish whiskey, please."

The bartender lines the three shots up for him, the gent pays for his drinks, enjoys the whiskeys, and leaves without another word.

The next Friday, the patron comes back and places the same order. "I’d like three shots of your finest Irish whiskey, please," he says. He pays, he drinks, and again, he leaves without a word.

This goes on every Friday for months. Finally, one Friday, the bartender asks, "Would you like to try something else, sir?"

"Ah, no," the man replies. "You see, these are for my two brothers back in Dublin. I have one shot for Colin, one shot for James, and one for me. Colin and James are doing the same across the pond, and it's like we're all drinking together."

Well, that's a nice tradition, the barkeep thinks. They strike up a conversation, and become friends.

The years pass, and every Friday, the man comes in for his whiskey.

Until one day the man enters, looking a bit depressed, and says, "Gimme two shots of your finest Irish whiskey."

"Oh, no," the bartender says. "Don't tell me something happened to Colin or James — is everything okay back home?"

"No, no, everything is fine," the guy replies. "My brothers are healthy as horses, don't you worry. It's just that I decided to stop drinking

 

[Schlenkerla]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

 

[GrogNerd]

Easter is on April 1st this year

don't hide any eggs

still make the kids try to find them

 

[Schlenkerla]

A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

 

[heymak]

Why did the cowboy buy a dauchsund? 'Cause the Trail boss said "Git a long little doggie."

 

[homebrewer_99]

Why did the cowboy buy a dauchsund? 'Cause the Trail boss said "Git a long little doggie."

OFF TOPIC: Dachshund = Badger hound...they're hunting dogs.

When I was stationed in Germany in the 70s I learned a lot of German. In many languages there are words called "false friends". These are words that you know in your language that do not mean the same in the original language.

For instance, dachshund. Dach is also the German word for roof. So, stupid me thought they had short legs because they were tossed off a roof. Gift is another one. Never hand someone a package and tell them it is a gift. In German, gift means poison.

OK...laugh now...

 

[Schlenkerla]

OFF TOPIC: Dachshund = Badger hound...they're hunting dogs.

When I was stationed in Germany in the 70s I learned a lot of German. In many languages there are words called "false friends". These are words that you know in your language that do not mean the same in the original language.

For instance, dachshund. Dach is also the German word for roof. So, stupid me thought they had short legs because they were tossed off a roof. Gift is another one. Never hand someone a package and tell them it is a gift. In German, gift means poison.

OK...laugh now...

When I was in Monterrey Mexico for work, I had to explain to my Mexican colleagues what this word meant.

This is the name of a bakery that has a soccer team in Monterrey.

When I told them, they thought this was fricken hilarious.

https://www.google.com/search?q=bim...JDaAhWKulMKHcOgA4AQ_AUIDCgD&biw=1100&bih=1883

 

[Schlenkerla]

 

[homebrewer_99]

When I was in Monterrey Mexico for work, I had to explain to my Mexican colleagues what this word meant.

This is the name of a bakery that has a soccer team in Monterrey.

When I told them, they thought this was fricken hilarious.

Per Wiki: Bimbo is a derogatory slang term for an attractive but unintelligent female. The term was originally used in the United States as early as 1919 for an unintelligent or brutish male.

Liked the peacock joke...funny stuff.

 

[MaxStout]

 

[ba-brewer]

Wolf: I think I am going to eat you up .
Little red riding hood: Will you eat me whole?
Wolf: No, I will spit that part out.

 

[jcav]

A women wants to buy Viagra for her husband. She goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist "Do you have Viagra here?" The pharmacist says "Yes we have Viagra here." The women did not know if she needed a prescription or not and asked "Can you get it over the counter?" The pharmacist then said "Maybe if I take two!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why is it called an аsteroid when it’s outside the hеmisphеrе, but called a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

 

[Schlenkerla]

A mаn walks into Wal-Mart and thе Greeter says, Welcome to Wal-Mart....Automotive is on aisle 10. The man asks, How did you know I needed oil? The Greeter says, It’s my job.

Anothеr guy walks in and he says, Welcome to Wаl-Mаrt – Sporting Goods аre on аisle 16. The guy asks, How’d you know I wanted a hunting rifle? The Greeter says, It’s my jоb – it’s what I do.”

Then a woman walks in аnd the Greeter says, Welcome to Wal-Mart. Tamрons are on aisle 3. Thе womаn says, I’m not here for tampons – I need hemorrhoid cream. The Greeter says, Dаmn! Missed it by аn inch!

 

[Schlenkerla]

There were two medical students standing on the corner of a street, observing passersby and discusses any abnormalities they have observed.

An old man passed by, seemingly duck waddling and walking on a slow pace. The students approached the old man and introduced themselves. They told the old man that they each have a different diagnosis of his condition.

One student said, “I think you have a bad case of hemorrhoids.”

The other student replied, “No, I think you have hernia.” So, which among us is right?

Old man replied, “Well, gentlemen, I think I just needed to let out a huge fart, so it seems we are all wrong.”

 

[Schlenkerla]

Why do more women suffer from hemorrhoids than men?

Because when God created man, he created a perfect *******.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven.

God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.'' The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.'' The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!'' The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.

Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.'' The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.'' The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.'' She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.

The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''Okay honey, let me in to heaven.'' The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.'' She says, ''Okay, make it an easy one!'' Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''

 

[Schlenkerla]

Wolf: I think I am going to eat you up .
Little red riding hood: Will you eat me whole?
Wolf: No, I will spit that part out.

Those are all because of this joker. ^^^^

 

[Schlenkerla]

A guy is going down on a prostitute. During the process he pulls out a piece of corn.

Mildly disgusted, he tries to forget about it and continues.

Then he finds a chunk of carrot and a pea, and he says, "I think I am going to be sick."

The whore looks up and says, "That's what the last guy said!"

 

[ba-brewer]

Those are all because of this joker. ^^^^

Thanks. Kind of nice to be called a joker and the person was smiling.

I would probably know more jokes if I listen closer to the jokes instead of trying to remember one to follow up with.

 

[S-Met]

An old man was sitting on the edge of his bed getting ready to settle in for the night when his wife springs from the bathroom wearing nothing but her bath towel as a cape and exclaimes in her frail grandmotherly voice, "SUUPPERRRPUSSSEEEYYY!!!"

The man stops and stares at his wife and says, "I'll have the Soup."

 

[JohnSand]

One day a guy gets a text message from his next door neighbor:
"I can't stand the guilt anymore. I have to confess that I have been tapping your wife while you were at work. Even sometimes when you are asleep, or out working in the yard. I feel terrible about this and promise never to do it again. I'm sorry."
Without a word, the man walks into the next room where his wife is sleeping, and shoots her in the head. Then he gets another text message: "Damn autocorrect, I meant wifi"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Thanks. Kind of nice to be called a joker and the person was smiling.

I would probably know more jokes if I listen closer to the jokes instead of trying to remember one to follow up with.

I thought it would be ironic to call you a joker in a joke thread. Especially since to posted one in a stupid joke thread.

But thought of, "NOT eating me whole" .... I couldn't resist with hemmoroid jokes.

 

[Schlenkerla]

Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.

 

[S-Met]

Why don't rabbits make noise during sex?

They have cotton balls.


What do you call 100 rabbits hopping backwards?

Receeding Hare line.

What's the difference between a healthy bunny and an odd bunny?

One is a fit bunny, and the other's a bit funny!


Where do rabbits like to eat breakfast?

IHOP


Why do brewers love rabbits?

Because Its not beer without hops.


Did you hear that The Energizer Bunny got arrested?

He was charged with battery.

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny had to go to the hospital, soon after its release from jail?

They put his battery in backwards and he kept coming and coming.


How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

 

[mongoose33]

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Not quite. We don't know if it did or not until later.

 

[Schlenkerla]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

 

[Schlenkerla]

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

 

[homebrewer_99]

In memory of Rodney Dangerfield:

We were so poor growing up that when my father died the undertaker asked if we wanted paper or plastic.

 

[S-Met]

I get no respect! The other day I'm sharing an elevator with a pretty woman and I say to her that she should get off on my floor and we can shag all night.

She tells me to get a shrink. I said, shrink nothing it's small enough already!

 

[S-Met]

I get no respect! I'm laying in bed when my house catches fire. My wife quickly gets out of bed to get the kids. As she's escaping down the hall with the kids I over hear her say, "shhhh, don't wake daddy."

 

[sonic7173]

"He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife ". Gotta love Caddyshack