I got that one this morning.
Knowing what "full contact hopping" is actually like (stripping bushels of ripe cones will give you that knowledge) this would be a hard pass for me - unless she is super hot and bare ass nekkid, of course. I'd take one for the team in that case...
Woman approaches clerk at Smith's Pharmacy.
"I need to speak privately with Mr Smith please."
Mr. Smith - "How can I help you ma'am?"
"I need to buy some cyanide"
"I'm sorry ma'am. No can do. It's totally restricted and I risk my license."
Woman shows Mr Smith a photo of his wife and her husband making passionate love."
"Oh that's different, says Mr Smith, I didn't realize that you had a prescription.
I asked my doctor for some advice on how to lose weight.
He said "just don't eat anything fatty"
I said "you mean chips, cake, etc?"
He said "No, just don't eat anything, fatty!"
I just bought a new Christmas tree.
My wife asked "are you going to put it up yourself?"
I said "no, I was thinking of putting it in the living room..."
My girlfriend's dog died yesterday. She was really sad, so I went out and got her an identical one. She said "What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs?"
My grief counselor died yesterday, but he was so good I don't even care.
<a couple more seen online, then I'll stop. Promise>
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won a no bell prize.
Now that I'm retired people ask me how I fill my days.
As a former chemical engineer, I like to convert beer, wine, bourbon and sometimes vodka
Into urine.
Kid: Mommy, how was I born?
Mom: Well, one day, Daddy planted this little seed and I took care of it, watered it, and watched it grow into this beautiful plant with gorgeous leaves. Then one day, Daddy and I dried those leaves, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to use protection.
Got an AMAZING eye roll from my teenage niece with this one at the zoo the other day. She was looking at the flamingoes:
Me: "You know why flamingoes pull one leg up when they sleep?"
Niece: "No, why?"
Me: "Because if they pulled both legs up, they'd fall down."
Niece: **epic eyeroll**