Non-lethal penalties not involving jail

[CreamyGoodness]

I usually try not to dip into political waters here, but it would appear to me that we have more folks committing crimes than we have the money or wherewithall to incarcerate. This shouldn't be. Since every man and woman is created equal, according to our Constitution, every man and woman should take their medicine when they commit crimes, violent or otherwise. Below I have listed some rather effective penalties that a perp could undergo in an effort to rid himself of his debt to society.

1) Slap upside the head with a dead salmon- Ok, I've spoke of this before, but think of it! Shoplifter? Instead of going to court (I had 2 friends in highschool that shoplifted together, the one who got a lawyer had charges dropped, the other, whose parents were broke, wound up doing community service. Not fair.) You strap the little buzzard (or the adult buzzard) to a chair and have a sushi-chef (or anyone used to handling whole fish) slap him upside the head. The combination semi-firm piscean/cold wettness/slapping noise/odor should be enough to deter all but the most hardened criminals from repeating their infraction.

2) "The Nanny" This one is good for drug dealers. The sort who are not afraid to die. Straight-jacket our subject, place him or her in a padded room, and play reruns of the Nanny, volume on high, nonstop for a month and a half. The silence at the end of this time could very well make him/her change their lives for the better. Cheap and effective.

3) Upstate New York Water Torture. Convicted person is under house arrest, and can only drink, bathe in, or cook their pasta and potatoes in the well water from my childhood home. Hope you like rotten eggs, evil-doers!

4) Cancun sunburn. Ship the convicted person to Mexico in June and throw them, disrobed, onto the beach without suntan lotion. After 12 hours give them only a straw pallet to sleep on.

5) The Astoria Shopping List- Give our infractor a LONG list of highly specific items to shop for, and ensure he purchases them only in Astoria, New York. Red Man Chewing Tobacco (original), left-handed garden shears with magenta handles, a pedometer that measures in meters, Licorice root (real, not candy), tapioca pearls, the liner to a silverware drawer, you get the picture. Fine them $50 for every 20 minutes they spend. After negotiating through people who dont care, dont speak English, can't hear, or are just plain imbeciles, our hero will be reduced to a quivering mound of gibbering flesh. If I, a law-abiding citizen, have to deal... so should this fartknocker.

6) The nag. Force subject to date my ex-girlfriend. She knows who she is.

7) The troll. Evertime our convicted criminal says anything at all, a court appointed troll will respond with "meh", "cool story bro!", or "haha thats what you get, libtard!" Best part is no one will care if the convicted kills the troll.

8) "Those people". This is a special one, I am very proud of it. Anytime a white-collar criminal is convicted of crimes that effect the retirement money of working Americans you require that he or she work double shifts at a local fast food establishment. BUT, here's the truly great part, all name-brand merchandise is confiscated until the end of their term, and they can only eat store-brand goods that they have prepared themselves. And here's where its REALLY great! So do all members of their immediate family! This means that their insufferable 16 year old emo entitled son and 14 year old Paris Hilton wannabe daughter will be eating mac and cheese, living in a 2 bedroom apartment, going to public schools and wearing (gasp) clothes off the rack from Target. Think they'll be acting like dear old Dad afterwards? No matter what, they lose, we all win.

9) Shock Collar. Subject is given a little juice at irregular intervals. We'll keep this one until the next Geneva Convention.

10) The Fart Punishment. This is my personal favorite.... its REALLY creative. Put the convicted in a glass box, where the only air coming in or out is through a hose with a glass cup attached to the end. A group of volunteers drink homebrew and eat cabbage and cassoule for hours and take turns farting into the cup. Fresh air is returned when the subject repents... and the volunteers believe it.

I got a lot more great ideas, but this is a start. God Im cranky today.

*sigh* It will pass.

 

[Bensiff]

Well, the declaration says we are all created equal at least.

1 - Life isn't fair and we can't expect nor force equal outcomes...but, a little public humiliation goes a long ways to correct future behavior

and then this post was too long so I stopped reading because I'm at work and not drunk like this forum is supposed to be about

 

[maxamuus]

a little public humiliation goes a long ways to correct future behavior

I like the idea bringing back the stockaide. You shoplift? We lock your a$$ up in the stockaide out front of the store with a sign saying thief. Store owner can leave a bucket of rotten tomatoes or the like for your throwing pleasure.

I think jails are a little too comfortable these days and hence why they are a revolving door, in and out and in and out. I say bring back HARD labor. I dont care even if its pointless, in fact pointless would probably be better as they know its pointless. Have em dig a 20 mile trench on one side a road, next week have em fill it up and then move to the otherside of the road.

I also think we need to bring back the nut houses. We closed them all down, but guess what those nuts are now just homeless weirdos walking among us. There would be less freaks doing freaky things if it were like the old days when they locked your a$$ up if you were crazy.

 

[mcspanner]

I also think we need to bring back the nut houses. We closed them all down, but guess what those nuts are now just homeless weirdos walking among us. There would be less freaks doing freaky things if it were like the old days when they locked your a$$ up if you were crazy.

Well there's an enlightened view of the challenges faced as a result of mental health issues. I think that practice of treating ill people like criminals was fairly universally considered to be barbaric. One can only hope you never experience any kind of crisis event that undermines your ability to function "normally" as there may be a load of narrow minded cretins ready to jump on the "lock that nut-job up" bandwagon and nobody left to protect you from them.

 

[maxamuus]

Oh please. There is a HUGE difference between a moody house wife that might need prozac from time to time to people who are quite frankly nuts.

Take that guy in New York City just recently that was homeless with a rap sheet a mile long who walked up to a normal everyday Joe and shoved him off the subway platform in front of a on-coming train. These aren't people who need a bubble bath and a prozac that will be fine tomorrow. People like that are not safe among us.

Sorry but just my opinion. Just notice sometime when you read all these news stories about hanus crimes. Seems like more and more it is someone who is quite frankly insane and had no place walking among us in the first place.

I would also argue its just as barbaric to lock up mentally ill people in jails and prisons where they get ZERO treatment. It doesnt help them or us.

 

[Airborneguy]

Definitely bring back the nut houses. My job would be much easier.

 

[maxamuus]

Definitely bring back the nut houses. My job would be much easier.

Dare to venture a guess what % of the people you deal with are likely insane and where it the 50's would have been in a institution somewhere upstate?

 

[Airborneguy]

Definitely a high percentage. It seems every other person is on Zoloft or something even stronger.

 

[SharonaZamboni]

Some years ago, I simmered my Thanksgiving turkey carcass for soup, then put the pot in our garage to cool. Several weeks passed before I realized that I hadn't had any turkey soup and remembered the pot of stock with bones. I couldn't bring myself to even look under the lid, much less dispose of the contents and wash the pot.
Soon, though, my teenage son was in need of punishment. And my stockpot was in need of cleaning, so...two birds with one stone!

 

[mcspanner]

And there are thousands more crimes committed every day, many of them would be classified as heinous by your definition, that the perpetrator has no history of mental health issues or treatment. Equally there are many people living day to day with serious and crippling illness who don't kill people.

I find your response and the terminology you are using to discuss mental health pejorative in the extreme and whilst it may be your opinion it leads me to assume that it is based from a position of ignorance of the subject matter and subsequently can be dismissed.

Your choice of language discussing moody housewives and Prozac is symptomatic of the ignorance that exists around the complex world of mental health and as long as opinions like yours exist, then the subject and sufferers anywhere on the spectrum of illness will face stigma and prejudice.

 

[ArcticBear]

 

[Subsailor]

10) The Fart Punishment. This is my personal favorite.... its REALLY creative. Put the convicted in a glass box, where the only air coming in or out is through a hose with a glass cup attached to the end. A group of volunteers drink homebrew and eat cabbage and cassoule for hours and take turns farting into the cup. Fresh air is returned when the subject repents... and the volunteers believe it.QUOTE]

When I first moved to Alaska, I was building custom aluminum boats for a local company. We got a contract for an 80' catamaran, it had a double hull with a 8" air space between the hulls. We hired some extra workers and a couple of guys came up from Oregon to help with some of the welding. One of them was very 'cocky' and annoyed the 2 lead welders. Well he climbed down inside the air space to do some support welding and to do that he had to wear a breather with air pump up on deck. Our 2 leads had spent the night drinking and decided to teach the new guy a lesson and stooped over the air pump intake and fart. Suddenly, we hear muffled screaming and pounding on the hull and this guy comes out with eyes a streaming tears and started chasing our leads with a big a$$ screwdriver. He quit about a week later after a certain firecracker incident.

As for punishment, I've always thought a shopping cart or multiple shopping carts in a room. You know the ones with the loose wheel and are very noisy. Anyway place the perp in a room with several of these carts just circling and circling around him - he'll crack eventually, I know he will.

 

[maxamuus]

on the spectrum of illness

That is exactly my point. It is a spectrum and somewhere on that spectrum there is a point where you are flat out insane. Those are the ones that should be removed from society. It would be best for them, and best for us.

I am not saying we go back to barbaric treatment of folks, but these folks could be housed and treated rather then dumped into society to fend for themselves or disposed of in jails and prisons.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

When I first moved to Alaska, I was building custom aluminum boats for a local company. We got a contract for an 80' catamaran, it had a double hull with a 8" air space between the hulls. We hired some extra workers and a couple of guys came up from Oregon to help with some of the welding. One of them was very 'cocky' and annoyed the 2 lead welders. Well he climbed down inside the air space to do some support welding and to do that he had to wear a breather with air pump up on deck. Our 2 leads had spent the night drinking and decided to teach the new guy a lesson and stooped over the air pump intake and fart. Suddenly, we hear muffled screaming and pounding on the hull and this guy comes out with eyes a streaming tears and started chasing our leads with a big a$$ screwdriver. He quit about a week later after a certain firecracker incident.

As for punishment, I've always thought a shopping cart or multiple shopping carts in a room. You know the ones with the loose wheel and are very noisy. Anyway place the perp in a room with several of these carts just circling and circling around him - he'll crack eventually, I know he will.

some welders are like "my dog, Spike". they can dish it out but can't take it. Wyoming was full of them. and at least it was only a fire cracker and not a big ashed baggie bomb! hahaha!

 

[RobertRGeorge]

That is exactly my point. It is a spectrum and somewhere on that spectrum there is a point where you are flat out insane. Those are the ones that should be removed from society. It would be best for them, and best for us.

I am not saying we go back to barbaric treatment of folks, but these folks could be housed and treated rather then dumped into society to fend for themselves or disposed of in jails and prisons.

Well, I don't want to get all political here too, but I hasten to point out that this was the case in Cali until Twinkly Uncle Ron closed the state mental institutions and forced most of their patients onto the streets. Many of them moved to San Francisco, Santa Barbara, and Los Angeles, where they took up residence in doorways, underpasses, and cardboard boxes.

 

[cheezydemon3]

Dead salmon in the pants straight jacketed.

Locked on liesure suit.

Giant sign chained to chest stating crime.

Allow a monkey access to your unlocked smartphone and facebook app.

Dipped in cesspool Rambo style.