CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
I usually try not to dip into political waters here, but it would appear to me that we have more folks committing crimes than we have the money or wherewithall to incarcerate. This shouldn't be. Since every man and woman is created equal, according to our Constitution, every man and woman should take their medicine when they commit crimes, violent or otherwise. Below I have listed some rather effective penalties that a perp could undergo in an effort to rid himself of his debt to society.
1) Slap upside the head with a dead salmon- Ok, I've spoke of this before, but think of it! Shoplifter? Instead of going to court (I had 2 friends in highschool that shoplifted together, the one who got a lawyer had charges dropped, the other, whose parents were broke, wound up doing community service. Not fair.) You strap the little buzzard (or the adult buzzard) to a chair and have a sushi-chef (or anyone used to handling whole fish) slap him upside the head. The combination semi-firm piscean/cold wettness/slapping noise/odor should be enough to deter all but the most hardened criminals from repeating their infraction.
2) "The Nanny" This one is good for drug dealers. The sort who are not afraid to die. Straight-jacket our subject, place him or her in a padded room, and play reruns of the Nanny, volume on high, nonstop for a month and a half. The silence at the end of this time could very well make him/her change their lives for the better. Cheap and effective.
3) Upstate New York Water Torture. Convicted person is under house arrest, and can only drink, bathe in, or cook their pasta and potatoes in the well water from my childhood home. Hope you like rotten eggs, evil-doers!
4) Cancun sunburn. Ship the convicted person to Mexico in June and throw them, disrobed, onto the beach without suntan lotion. After 12 hours give them only a straw pallet to sleep on.
5) The Astoria Shopping List- Give our infractor a LONG list of highly specific items to shop for, and ensure he purchases them only in Astoria, New York. Red Man Chewing Tobacco (original), left-handed garden shears with magenta handles, a pedometer that measures in meters, Licorice root (real, not candy), tapioca pearls, the liner to a silverware drawer, you get the picture. Fine them $50 for every 20 minutes they spend. After negotiating through people who dont care, dont speak English, can't hear, or are just plain imbeciles, our hero will be reduced to a quivering mound of gibbering flesh. If I, a law-abiding citizen, have to deal... so should this fartknocker.
6) The nag. Force subject to date my ex-girlfriend. She knows who she is.
7) The troll. Evertime our convicted criminal says anything at all, a court appointed troll will respond with "meh", "cool story bro!", or "haha thats what you get, libtard!" Best part is no one will care if the convicted kills the troll.
8) "Those people". This is a special one, I am very proud of it. Anytime a white-collar criminal is convicted of crimes that effect the retirement money of working Americans you require that he or she work double shifts at a local fast food establishment. BUT, here's the truly great part, all name-brand merchandise is confiscated until the end of their term, and they can only eat store-brand goods that they have prepared themselves. And here's where its REALLY great! So do all members of their immediate family! This means that their insufferable 16 year old emo entitled son and 14 year old Paris Hilton wannabe daughter will be eating mac and cheese, living in a 2 bedroom apartment, going to public schools and wearing (gasp) clothes off the rack from Target. Think they'll be acting like dear old Dad afterwards? No matter what, they lose, we all win.
9) Shock Collar. Subject is given a little juice at irregular intervals. We'll keep this one until the next Geneva Convention.
10) The Fart Punishment. This is my personal favorite.... its REALLY creative. Put the convicted in a glass box, where the only air coming in or out is through a hose with a glass cup attached to the end. A group of volunteers drink homebrew and eat cabbage and cassoule for hours and take turns farting into the cup. Fresh air is returned when the subject repents... and the volunteers believe it.
I got a lot more great ideas, but this is a start. God Im cranky today.
*sigh* It will pass.
1) Slap upside the head with a dead salmon- Ok, I've spoke of this before, but think of it! Shoplifter? Instead of going to court (I had 2 friends in highschool that shoplifted together, the one who got a lawyer had charges dropped, the other, whose parents were broke, wound up doing community service. Not fair.) You strap the little buzzard (or the adult buzzard) to a chair and have a sushi-chef (or anyone used to handling whole fish) slap him upside the head. The combination semi-firm piscean/cold wettness/slapping noise/odor should be enough to deter all but the most hardened criminals from repeating their infraction.
2) "The Nanny" This one is good for drug dealers. The sort who are not afraid to die. Straight-jacket our subject, place him or her in a padded room, and play reruns of the Nanny, volume on high, nonstop for a month and a half. The silence at the end of this time could very well make him/her change their lives for the better. Cheap and effective.
3) Upstate New York Water Torture. Convicted person is under house arrest, and can only drink, bathe in, or cook their pasta and potatoes in the well water from my childhood home. Hope you like rotten eggs, evil-doers!
4) Cancun sunburn. Ship the convicted person to Mexico in June and throw them, disrobed, onto the beach without suntan lotion. After 12 hours give them only a straw pallet to sleep on.
5) The Astoria Shopping List- Give our infractor a LONG list of highly specific items to shop for, and ensure he purchases them only in Astoria, New York. Red Man Chewing Tobacco (original), left-handed garden shears with magenta handles, a pedometer that measures in meters, Licorice root (real, not candy), tapioca pearls, the liner to a silverware drawer, you get the picture. Fine them $50 for every 20 minutes they spend. After negotiating through people who dont care, dont speak English, can't hear, or are just plain imbeciles, our hero will be reduced to a quivering mound of gibbering flesh. If I, a law-abiding citizen, have to deal... so should this fartknocker.
6) The nag. Force subject to date my ex-girlfriend. She knows who she is.
7) The troll. Evertime our convicted criminal says anything at all, a court appointed troll will respond with "meh", "cool story bro!", or "haha thats what you get, libtard!" Best part is no one will care if the convicted kills the troll.
8) "Those people". This is a special one, I am very proud of it. Anytime a white-collar criminal is convicted of crimes that effect the retirement money of working Americans you require that he or she work double shifts at a local fast food establishment. BUT, here's the truly great part, all name-brand merchandise is confiscated until the end of their term, and they can only eat store-brand goods that they have prepared themselves. And here's where its REALLY great! So do all members of their immediate family! This means that their insufferable 16 year old emo entitled son and 14 year old Paris Hilton wannabe daughter will be eating mac and cheese, living in a 2 bedroom apartment, going to public schools and wearing (gasp) clothes off the rack from Target. Think they'll be acting like dear old Dad afterwards? No matter what, they lose, we all win.
9) Shock Collar. Subject is given a little juice at irregular intervals. We'll keep this one until the next Geneva Convention.
10) The Fart Punishment. This is my personal favorite.... its REALLY creative. Put the convicted in a glass box, where the only air coming in or out is through a hose with a glass cup attached to the end. A group of volunteers drink homebrew and eat cabbage and cassoule for hours and take turns farting into the cup. Fresh air is returned when the subject repents... and the volunteers believe it.
I got a lot more great ideas, but this is a start. God Im cranky today.
*sigh* It will pass.