CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
When I was in my 20s... let me be frank... people with kids were a pain in the ass. It seemed every extra hour I worked was because someone in the office had to take little Johnny home from krumhorn practice or I had to shoulder work for 2 because Bertha Butt was on maternity leave for the 6th time in 3 years. I was never getting married, never having kids, and people who took part in these antiquated rituals were, it seemed, NEVER NOT FRIGGING TALKING ABOUT IT.
Of course, I got married, and earlier this month as most of you know, my son was born. I am already beginning to exhibit some of the behaviors I detested when I was younger... and I'm going to give myself a pass for some of them. Others however, I have to remind myself, are still obnoxious.
1) Not taking friends' calls. Ok, now I get it. Youve been through sleepless nights, you've bonded with another person to an almost creepy/unnatural degree, and... if you are anything like me... witnessed your wife in the most pain you have seen before and hope to never experience again. You want time alone to recover. To nest. To heal. To give care to new life...
Pick up your phone, you're being rude.
2) Talking about the baby non-stop. I REALLY get this one. Just remember, non-parents in the room can enjoy such a conversation for about 5 maybe 10 minutes before the next party/orgy/impromtu flip-cup game breaks out and you are keeping them from it. Fellow parents generally have more stamina in this regard. Be aware of the fact when the person you are talking to's eyes start to glaze over they are beginning to hate you. Break away.
3) Blurting out something gross. I just mentioned my son's belly button falling off the other day. I had to tell someone. Its not exactly the right thing to do. Talk about anything that a diaper covers on your kid with family only. By the way, my son farts like a CHAMP.
4) Showing off/showing pictures. This one used to really burn my toast. I'd be at work, working my ass off and in comes Mary and Barney Ugly and their runt Lil' Ugly and I'd have to stop what I was doing to pretend to care (tacking more time onto my 12 hour + day). What a treat for me, I now know this child's sleep patterns, which is information that can help me with nothing.
I almost brought him in today. I get it... your kid is gorgeous to you. Other people have to work.
5) Similarly, baby pictures. I just caught myself corning a co-worker with a bunch of mine after she asked, innocently, "how's the baby?" Poor thing has work to do. Sure, seeing a couple cute baby pics while you are getting coffee isnt the worst fate to befall someone, but what if they are working on a deadline? Worse yet, what if the person you have cornered is unable to have kids themselves, always wanted to, and feels stabbing sadness at everything baby related? What if, God forbid, they just lost their child in an accident? Its important to not rub it in in that case, and if I dont know, I approach it gently.
On the other side of things, now that I've been in the NICU and have seen what goes on... a mom burst into tears with relief when her <1lb preemi housed a full bottle of formula, a dad with 100 yard stare when he was told his baby daughter had fluid on the brain... an idiot who calls himself CreamyGoodness holding a nurse's hand and weeping like a frigging idiot after signing off on a lumbar puncture (thats a goddamn needle in the spine) to make sure his son didnt have meningitus... I will NEVER EVER joke about ugly babies again.
Which is a pretty decent segue into #6...
Bragging that your baby is the cutest, most beautiful baby ever. Well... it is. I'll allow it.
*sigh*
It will pass.
Of course, I got married, and earlier this month as most of you know, my son was born. I am already beginning to exhibit some of the behaviors I detested when I was younger... and I'm going to give myself a pass for some of them. Others however, I have to remind myself, are still obnoxious.
1) Not taking friends' calls. Ok, now I get it. Youve been through sleepless nights, you've bonded with another person to an almost creepy/unnatural degree, and... if you are anything like me... witnessed your wife in the most pain you have seen before and hope to never experience again. You want time alone to recover. To nest. To heal. To give care to new life...
Pick up your phone, you're being rude.
2) Talking about the baby non-stop. I REALLY get this one. Just remember, non-parents in the room can enjoy such a conversation for about 5 maybe 10 minutes before the next party/orgy/impromtu flip-cup game breaks out and you are keeping them from it. Fellow parents generally have more stamina in this regard. Be aware of the fact when the person you are talking to's eyes start to glaze over they are beginning to hate you. Break away.
3) Blurting out something gross. I just mentioned my son's belly button falling off the other day. I had to tell someone. Its not exactly the right thing to do. Talk about anything that a diaper covers on your kid with family only. By the way, my son farts like a CHAMP.
4) Showing off/showing pictures. This one used to really burn my toast. I'd be at work, working my ass off and in comes Mary and Barney Ugly and their runt Lil' Ugly and I'd have to stop what I was doing to pretend to care (tacking more time onto my 12 hour + day). What a treat for me, I now know this child's sleep patterns, which is information that can help me with nothing.
I almost brought him in today. I get it... your kid is gorgeous to you. Other people have to work.
5) Similarly, baby pictures. I just caught myself corning a co-worker with a bunch of mine after she asked, innocently, "how's the baby?" Poor thing has work to do. Sure, seeing a couple cute baby pics while you are getting coffee isnt the worst fate to befall someone, but what if they are working on a deadline? Worse yet, what if the person you have cornered is unable to have kids themselves, always wanted to, and feels stabbing sadness at everything baby related? What if, God forbid, they just lost their child in an accident? Its important to not rub it in in that case, and if I dont know, I approach it gently.
On the other side of things, now that I've been in the NICU and have seen what goes on... a mom burst into tears with relief when her <1lb preemi housed a full bottle of formula, a dad with 100 yard stare when he was told his baby daughter had fluid on the brain... an idiot who calls himself CreamyGoodness holding a nurse's hand and weeping like a frigging idiot after signing off on a lumbar puncture (thats a goddamn needle in the spine) to make sure his son didnt have meningitus... I will NEVER EVER joke about ugly babies again.
Which is a pretty decent segue into #6...
Bragging that your baby is the cutest, most beautiful baby ever. Well... it is. I'll allow it.
*sigh*
It will pass.