I Think I'd Make an Excellent Advice Columnist- Another Rant

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Dear Creamy,

When I went to bed last night, I found my wife in bed with two of my best friends. She didn't seem to think she was doing anything wrong. I spoke to my friends, one of them was asleep, and the other just ignored me as he scratched behind his ear then went back to licking his penis.

Frankly, I'm extremely jealous of my friend. So, my question is, would a yoga course help me in licking my own willy, or do I need to do need some of those enlargement pills?
 
Dear Gnome,

When it comes to autofellatio I have never seen any exercise program or chemical compound that got the desired results. I totally had a friend once who was looking into it.

What I suggest is either a) foreign apparatus(apparati) or b) rib removal surgery.

Flexibly Yours ~ Creamy Goodness
 
Oh Dear Abby had a real winner today. Apparently this yutz thought he deserved more of a breakup discussion from his married girlfriend. Apparently her husband found out about them the second time, and she was forced to break contact.

He would not have faired well here at Dear Creamy.
 
I hear ya Sharona. I have a saying that has been proved correct 100% of the time. "If something begins shady, its gonna end shady." No exceptions.

Yutz is lucky he didnt get a knock on the door from his husband-in-law.
 
Dear Creamy,

I recently bought a new pair of jeans. They are a bit tight, and I find that when I zip them up, I find that I sometimes get my junk caught in the zipper. I find this very painful and embarrassing.
Last night I came home and went to bed. On undressing, a compact fridge fell out of my pants and spilled coolant on the mattress. The following night it was the engine block of a 1997 F150 truck.

How can I stop my junk getting caught in this zipper? I sometimes wish I could just jam the zipper up with my penis if it would block all this junk out of the way.

On another topic, my wife says she is becoming tempted to take care of the next door neighbour's junk for him. He has a huge pile of scrap in his back yard. Should I tell her that she needs to get a good price for it? Or should I just be glad that it will be taken care of for free so that i don't have to look at it any more?

I also have problems understanding American English verus English English. I would be most grateful if you could advise me towards a spellchecker that does not keep insisting that I spell words with a Z when an S works perfectly well for me. I don't like zpelling wordz with the wrong letterz.
 
OOOOOOOOO... here's a good one. Grandmother babysits for granddaughter and takes her to McDonalds. Mom (Grandmother's son's ex-wife) says something along the lines of "I'm raising her to be a vegan, I'd rather you dont take her to McDonalds."

Grandma calls child protective services, since raising a kid to be vegan is abuse.

I seriously need to consider founding that lunar colony, because I dont think I want to live on this planet anymore.
 
CreamyGoodness said:
OOOOOOOOO... here's a good one. Grandmother babysits for granddaughter and takes her to McDonalds. Mom (Grandmother's son's ex-wife) says something along the lines of "I'm raising her to be a vegan, I'd rather you dont take her to McDonalds."

Grandma calls child protective services, since raising a kid to be vegan is abuse.

I seriously need to consider founding that lunar colony, because I dont think I want to live on this planet anymore.
Click to expand...

It's McDonalds FFS! Call the cops!! No child should be allowed anywhere near that shyte! ;)
 
I don't think children should be forced by their parents to adopt any belief system, including veganism. I applaud those who are committed to being vegans, but to do so is inconvenient and hard work. Why put a child through that? Give them the choice at least!
 
I agree, and maybe talking with the ex- d-i-l might have been appropriate, but to call Child Protective Services? Meddle much?? arg.
 
I work across the street from McD's corporate office and the actual McD's next door has the best food I've ever had from them. Just thinking about those fries is making me drool.
 
Another woman was jealous of her husband's ex-wife. Her solution was that her husband had to cut off contact with his ex-wife and the children he had with her. He broke that rule, so shes asking for advice.

After I dobbed up the blood that came out of my ears, I suggested self-euthanasia in the comments... but then deleted that because I'm a decent guy. I settled on "I would advise quarantining yourself completely from decent people, you vile maggot."
 
PistolsAtDawn said:
I don't think children should be forced by their parents to adopt any belief system, including veganism. I applaud those who are committed to being vegans, but to do so is inconvenient and hard work. Why put a child through that? Give them the choice at least!
Click to expand...

It's not just forcing beliefs that worries me. Children need a lot of protein and fat in their diet so they can develop such minor things as their vital organs. Their brains, in particular, need a lot of natural fats in order to develop properly, and the won't get enough of those on a vegan diet, no matter how hard the parents try.

We evolved eating meat because the fat in meat is what enables us to develop our big brains (well, maybe not so big in people forcing their children into veganism).

Overall, they are giving their kid a serious disadvantage if they force them to be vegan. They may believe it's healthier, but keep in mind babies and children are brought up on breast milk. Milk is not vegan. Unless that mom allows that kid to breastfeed until she's 12, it's highly likely her nervous system will develop slowly or under develop altogether.
 
CreamyGoodness said:
Another woman was jealous of her husband's ex-wife. Her solution was that her husband had to cut off contact with his ex-wife and the children he had with her. He broke that rule, so shes asking for advice.
Click to expand...

That guy should never have agreed in the first place. That kind of ultimatum is a deal-breaker.

When she said, "if you're going to be with me, you can't see your children again," his answer should have been, "if you make me choose between my children and you, you will lose. Every. Time."
 
SGFBeerBuzz said:
It's not just forcing beliefs that worries me. Children need a lot of protein and fat in their diet so they can develop such minor things as their vital organs. Their brains, in particular, need a lot of natural fats in order to develop properly, and the won't get enough of those on a vegan diet, no matter how hard the parents try.

We evolved eating meat because the fat in meat is what enables us to develop our big brains (well, maybe not so big in people forcing their children into veganism).

Overall, they are giving their kid a serious disadvantage if they force them to be vegan. They may believe it's healthier, but keep in mind babies and children are brought up on breast milk. Milk is not vegan. Unless that mom allows that kid to breastfeed until she's 12, it's highly likely her nervous system will develop slowly or under develop altogether.
Click to expand...

I too would have to see many more years of study to become convinced that veganism is a healthy lifestyle. I think a varied diet containing many different plant and animal products, with as little laboratory generated foods as possible, is most likely the healthiest. I think the ex d-i-l is mislead. However, the prerogative of any parent is to raise their children as they see fit. The moms who breast feed until their kids are in the second grade are a bit out there imo, but what they are doing is their business. Same goes for vegans. For all we know this woman could have been putting extensive thought and consideration into making sure her child got all the necessary vitamins, proteins, etc. Being different does not equal being abusive.

For the record though, if and when I have kids they will be raised to look at food the way I was. The rule was always "you have to try it once" when it came to one offs like street food or snacks and "you are eating like everyone else in the family" when it came to dinner. If the Tyson's chicken nugget commercial is still playing when all of those kids list all the things they dont like to eat I'll remind my kids that behaving like that is a good way to wind up in your room.

My grandmother insisted at least once a week we have a "meatless meal," which was almost always "a pot'a sauce" (spaghetti and red sauce, which she also called "red gravy").

Sorry that was long-winded...
 
This thread is another exaple of something ruined by vegans. :p

Dear Creamy,
My bowel movements are not very regular. Everday between 10:25 and 10:30 am (if I drink coffee) I feel the need, but I can not get any more precise than that. Do you have any homeopathic remedies to make sure I am more consistent?

Sincerely,
Occasional close call
 
Dear Close,

May I suggest aloe juice cocktail? Within mere moment of drinking the rather tasty beverage, you can be assured of rapid bowel movement. It is also good for your pores, as you will perspirate like you have never before in your life. Do not take aloe juice cocktail, however, if you cannot devote 2-3 hours to regularity.

Regularly Yours,
Creamy Goodness
 
Found a good one for you:

Dear CG: What is your opinion of married men who refuse to wear a wedding ring? My husband of many years took his off a few years ago, after we started having problems, and has steadfastly refused to put it back on even though I've stated plainly and repeatedly that it would mean a lot to me if he would wear it again.

My gut says he's either cheating on me (physically or emotionally), or looking for the opportunity to cheat.
Click to expand...
 
Oh God I read this one. Here goes.

Dear His Cheating Heart:

Your husband, whether or not he is cheating, is being a yutz. If you tell him something as simple (and reasonable) as putting his ring back on would mean a lot to you, and the ring not only fits but doesnt cause him pain due to leprosy or psoriasis, then he is being unreasonably difficult. Get thee to couples therapy stat. You, my dear, have bigger fish to fry than whether or not he is cheating.

Best of luck, Creamy Goodness
 
CreamyGoodness said:
Oh God I read this one. Here goes.

Dear His Cheating Heart:

Your husband, whether or not he is cheating, is being a yutz. If you tell him something as simple (and reasonable) as putting his ring back on would mean a lot to you, and the ring not only fits but doesnt cause him pain due to leprosy or psoriasis, then he is being unreasonably difficult. Get thee to couples therapy stat. You, my dear, have bigger fish to fry than whether or not he is cheating.

Best of luck, Creamy Goodness
Click to expand...

Maybe he has a metal allergy?

Did you think about that?
 
Oof, just found a humdinger. Stepmom's underwear has turned up missing, and was found in her stepson's room when she was putting away the laundry. I don't have any advise on this one, other than to hide her scivvies. Tell her husband? I dont know... maybe... Wow.
 
CreamyGoodness said:
Oof, just found a humdinger. Stepmom's underwear has turned up missing, and was found in her stepson's room when she was putting away the laundry. I don't have any advise on this one, other than to hide her scivvies. Tell her husband? I dont know... maybe... Wow.
Click to expand...

And the problem is?
 
Dear CG,

I ate to much cake on father's day and now my stomach hurts.

I need some life advice.
 
Dear Tx,

Do you have a complete investment portfolio including equities in the over-the-counter pharmaceutical sector? If not, my advise to you is to make that happen.

Childlessly yours,
Creamy Goodness
 
Today is truly a day that will be remembered in the cockels of my dark heart.

Dear Margo is retiring.

After 15 years of giving sub-standard and oft-putrid advice to imbeciles, she is taking more time to "go to lunch with my girlfriends and sleep in." I'm not catty enough to mention that "girlfriend" is typically a term meaning "woman whom I roger semi-regularly to regularly" now that we are in the 21st frigging century. Hopefully she will lose the computer she brags about being unable to use and will stop writing altogether.

Bye bye... you yutz.
 
Good bye to Margo, but perhaps we could all have a bit more advice from "dear Creamy" ???


Dear Creamy,
I'm stuck here at work, with plenty of work to do. I just can't seem to stay away from my beer forum; the folks there are so much more entertaining than my work is. Do you have any advice to help me re-focus on my work tasks, instead of perusing said forum, (including naughty bits in unseen areas)...?

the Procrastinator
 
Dear Pro,

Ask yourself, if you were performing at a higher level at work, would management appreciate it or notice it in any way? If the answer is yes, I suggest a little more discipline... perhaps "treating" yourself to the beer forum for 15 minutes after 2 hours of uninterrupted work.

If not... F'em.

Yours reasonably,
Creamy Goodness
 
Dear hilly,

When you mentioned in your letter the word "help" you didnt exactly denote what that implied. Are you trying to stop thinking about me and roughing up the suspect? Draw out the experience?

In any event, it is known that the drink of choice amongst Creamy enthusiasts is the Fedora Cocktail. Hope this helps.

Peppery Yours,
Creamy Goodness
 
Dear Creamy,

I am VERY into soccer, specifically my home town team. My wife hates this obsession.

My question is: How many times is it acceptable to stab your spouse with a kitchen knife before it becomes murder one? I'm seriously thinking about 3 stabbings not looking pre-meditated. No matter how much I think about it, 4 stabbings looks like too much. No matter how hard I think about it, I can't quite get a grip on what a jury would consider pre-meditaion.

Advice please?
 

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