I Think I'd Make an Excellent Advice Columnist- Another Rant

[landshark]

Dear Creamy, My wife has come to me and told me she is pregnant. I was under the impression however the last few months she was just getting fat. Should I brew a wheat beer or go with a saison? And what is the best casserole to go with the selected beer?

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Dear Creamy, My wife has come to me and told me she is pregnant. I was under the impression however the last few months she was just getting fat. Should I brew a wheat beer or go with a saison? And what is the best casserole to go with the selected beer?

Dear landshark,

In this instance I think a saison might be the way to go. We all know how heavy those wheat beers can be. As for casserole, I am going to go with "Shang-hi Surprise."

Yours
Creamy Goodness

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Dear Creamy,

I am VERY into soccer, specifically my home town team. My wife hates this obsession.

My question is: How many times is it acceptable to stab your spouse with a kitchen knife before it becomes murder one? I'm seriously thinking about 3 stabbings not looking pre-meditated. No matter how much I think about it, 4 stabbings looks like too much. No matter how hard I think about it, I can't quite get a grip on what a jury would consider pre-meditaion.

Advice please?

Dear Gnome,

I think you should think not so much stabbing as bludgeoning. Striking her once sharply below the waist means that not only can you not be tried for attempted murder, you might be able to claim it was an accident. Just last night I "accidently" kicked my wife in my sleep. I claimed I was having another one of my dreams in which Im being assaulted by Jean Claude Van Dam.

Strikingly Yours,
Creamy Goodness

 

[Varmintman]

Dear Creamy.

I am reading a stupid thread in a forum that gives horrible advice. How can I stop reading it knowing my wife will want alone time with me if I am not on the computer. What is worse playing house or reading a bad thread

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Dear Varmint,

Remember the first rule of a happy marriage. When no other options are desirable, there is always internet pornography.

Brilliantly Yours
Creamy Goodness

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear Mr. Goodness,

I went on a first date the other night and while she was in the bathroom got hit on by a Summer Glau looking young lady who was sitting near me at the bar. She kept kicking my ankle when my date returned and now I have a bruise. After kicking me to get my attention for a while she licked my ear. My date laughed at this situation. Do you think I have a chance of a 3-some?

(and this actually happened this past Wednesday)

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Dear Drunkle

I have to advise a certain amount of caution. Any woman who actively hits on you when you are with ANOTHER woman (with the exception of one who is obviously your mother, sister or daughter) is capable of just about anything, including selling your kidney on the black market. What is important to remember is....

Ah who am I kidding, have at it hoss. Tell me how it goes.

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Dear Creamy. My daughter suspects that I am pregnant. How would I know if she is the father? Is there a reliable chemical test that we can do to resolve this issue that will also get red wine stains out of carpet? (Only if there is any left over, of course)

 

[BoShimTang]

Creamy Casseroles
PO Box 8675309
New York, NY 100000

JENNY... Is that you? You didn't change your number did you?

I got it, I got it
For a good time, for a good time call...

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Ok, this one is too "good" to not bump. Oh man... I'm feeling murderous.

Dear Prudence today. Woman is marrying, as always, an amazing man. Blah frigging blah. Her father is, poor guy, a burn victim, who is extensively scarred.

Her m-i-l to be has suggested... oh man Im having a hard time getting this out without raging... that they not invite her father to the wedding so as "not to frighten small children."

My ears are red with anger. This *****. This miserable, ignorant, moronic *****. And the wonderful fiance has gone all nutless and hasnt said a word. The letter writer is understandably upset and asking for advice.

So, servant of humanity that I am, I am going to answer "Wedding's" letter with somewhat less tact than Prudence.

*****************************

Dear "Wedding",

Thank you for your letter.

I am going to I am going to open this paragraph by saying what you are hoping I would say... you are completely right. I suggest an immediate end to your engagement. The fact that your fiance has suddenly become a capon leads me to believe he will be a poor partner going forward. This is, of course, unless you are looking to never have children, seeing as a set of gonads is required for such endevours, and seeing as how potential offspring will be living perpetually "frightened" by the visage of grandpa.

Further, I suggest, after breaking your engagement, you tell your potential m-i-l to pound salt. As for children being "frightened," while I'm not a parent myself, I can say with some confidence that meeting other human frigging beings who have been in accidents in the past is a trauma they will not only get the bless over, but will build their character. That is, of course, if they arent immediately coddled by their chocolate starfish of a grandmother.

Yours Fumingly,
Creamy Goodness

 

[mcspanner]

I get the feeling you're holding something back..... Let it out, you'll feel better.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

*pant pant*

 

[Hang Glider]

I hope Prudence said something similar, if a tiny bit more tactful. However, I think "wedding" probably needs to read your version to fully embrace the stupidity of the family she plans to marry into.

 

[DrunkleJon]

If anyone is deserving of a c___-punt, that woman is it.

And I don't even like that word, but feel it is worthy of the use of it. Sorry to any children I have offended in the writing of this post.

 

[neo71665]

First I think salt pound is too good for that witch. If it was me I would make plans so the 2 sit side by side at every family function for the rest of their lives.

 

[Erroneous]

First I think salt pound is too good for that witch. If it was me I would make plans so the 2 sit side by side at every family function for the rest of their lives.

Hasn't the poor guy been through enough? Better idea would be to house her in gasoline and light a match. See if she still wants to go to the wedding.

 

[neo71665]

Hasn't the poor guy been through enough? Better idea would be to house her in gasoline and light a match. See if she still wants to go to the wedding.

Have her reserved seat a portajohn stolen off a construction site (not cleaned for a few weeks) sitting in the furthest and sunniest part of the parking lot.

 

[the_bird]

I've got to say, the actual response is pretty much spot-on.

Your fiancé is not so amazing if in response to his mother's outrageous, sickening request he didn't immediately say to her, "Mom, Elise's dad is a great person. That he has overcome a terrible trauma makes me admire him even more. You need to permanently drop this. He'll not only be there, he'll walk her down the aisle, and I don't want to hear another negative word about him." Instead, he has weaseled around, and presumably didn't tell his mother not to make her despicable request to you—he surely knew what she was up to and didn't even have the courage to warn you. Instead of responding to his mother, you need to talk this through with you fiancé. He should be the one to respond to his mother about this, and it's not too late for him to make clear she is totally out of line. How he handles this will tell you if he's worthy of becoming a member of your family. And I hope you tell your parents that if they are not both at the wedding and treated as guests of honor, you won't be there, either.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

I've got to say, the actual response is pretty much spot-on.

I agree, but it lacked the insults and general vitriole I thought it deserved.

 

[SGFBeerBuzz]

Dear Creamy,

It's been a while since I brewed. I need to get back into the swing, but it's hard to get enough time in a go to get it done these days. On weekdays, I work, and on weekends, I'm usually playing catch-up on things that need to be done at my house.

How do I build a cloning device so I can send that version of me to work while I stay home, brew, and drink beer all day?

Out of practice in Missouri

 

[the_bird]

^^^

This is my plan to address this very issue...

 

[DrunkleJon]

But who decides which one of you gets to do the brewing and which the mundane household chores? I think you would do better with a robot like Rosie from the Jetsons.

 

[TxBrew]

Dear Creamy,

I'm a little hungry, but not super hungry.

What do?

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Dear Tx,

Might I suggest a slice of italian bread with a little pate, dijon mustard and a pickle? A favorite repast of mine.

Yours Hungrily
Creamy Goodness

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Dear Mr. Creamy,

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify

Am I paranoid?

 

[neo71665]

Dear creamy

My old lady gave me the beer/cars or her line tonight. My small block s10 does a 8.16 in the 1/8th. What shot of nitrous do you suggest to get it in the 7s, can I use the same nitrous on my porters? Is it too much to rent a haul in her name and have her crap loaded when she gets home tonight or should I have it sitting in her mommas yard?

 

[DrunkleJon]

Dear mr Creamy...

Why do you not like us? It has been almost 10 months since we last asked for your help with no response. Poor neo has been trying to troubleshoot how many shots of nitrous he should give his old lady in her mommas yard.
Sincerely,
disappointed

 

[sfrisby]

I concur! I've been left to having to make my own descisions in life. That never ends well.

 

[the_bird]

Dear Creamy,

I've had an erection now for more than eighteen hours. Should I see a doctor? The weird thing is, I haven't taken any pills; there are just a lot of girls in yoga pants around.

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Dear Mr. Creamy.

For the last 18 hours i have been stalked by some dude with a tiny erection. How do i make him go away? I've tried wearing yoga pants, because no guy wants to see a man in yoga pants, right?.......He still won't go away though!!!

 

[boydster]

Dear Creamy,

I've been having these dreams lately and in them, I am reliving a moment in my past. The thing is, the dreams started out like watching an old video tape; I was just observing. Now, I'm starting to feel like an active participant. Almost like, if I wanted to, I could change the past.

Example: Last night, I had a dream about this time when I was a kid and my dog was hit by a car in broad daylight (it was an accident, but very sad). Only this time, instead of a car, it was a falling branch. And instead of my dog, it was my current neighbor's car. And it took place at night this time. And it was intentional, not an accident... Someone cut the branch down, I felt like I was seeing it happen in first person, laughing maniacally. When I woke up this morning, it was like my dream changed everything. My feet were dirty, my arms were sore, and my neighbor was pounding on my door with a police officer standing next to him looking very angry. And his car... get this... had a branch fall on it overnight!

TL;DR - What is the best shampoo for controlling my dandruff?

Sincerely,
Snowy in Summer

 

[the_bird]

Dear Mr. Creamy.

For the last 18 hours i have been stalked by some dude with a tiny erection. How do i make him go away? I've tried wearing yoga pants, because no guy wants to see a man in yoga pants, right?.......He still won't go away though!!!

Well, it was only partly the yoga pants; it was also the wig, makeup, and falsies.

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Well, it was only partly the yoga pants; it was also the wig, makeup, and falsies.

I don't wear a wig (Allegedly)

Just admit it, Birdie, you are hot for my ass!