Wife Support

I don't usually rant on here about my wife, but I can imagine others have experienced this.

I'm one of those. A homebrewer with big dreams. I've wanted to open a brewery since my first boil. I've been at it for four years now, refining recipes, researching, etc. While I love brewing for myself, I want to share it and I want to be the guy that guys like me search out at fests. This hobby is a culmination of all of my interests wrapped in the nice bow of beer at the end of the day. Beer, technology, chemistry, biology, tinkering, building. It's all there. It's perfect. I'm serious about it in a way that many homebrewers are not. I'm going to make this happen.

Anyway, in the last few months I've met my crew, each one in a weirdly ethereal happenstance sort of way. Like it was meant to be. I've got marketing, graphics, and sales covered. Each by experts who are friends and ready to make the plunge. I have support from everyone I know and meet and I know my beer is good. Our brand is cool, everything is cool, and until last night my wife was cool. She's been supportive and has been bragging about this brewery. But, the big but, she wants to start a bakery. Apparently she has been holding back her jealousy. We're sitting there eating and drinking great beer from a neat little place and I tell her how much better it would be to start a pub. No revenue loss to distributors and retailers and she could manage the front of house. She has a decades worth of experience in that and would love to do it. I know it. She begins telling me I'm being too intense about the whole thing and not thinking of my family. She has no interest in hearing about the brewery anymore. That I'd leave my kids yearning for attention and she won't get to do what she wants. She goes into this usual tyraid about how she left school to be with me and she's never been able to go back. In many more wife words than one, she was telling me she's not really into letting this happen. She would rather I maintain the course of over paid cubicle jobs for the rest of my life, answering to corporate execs, clinging desperately to any small morsel of enjoyment I can find in crunching crappy code each day. I tried to explain how proud I was of my parents for running their own business when I was young and how even if I didn't see them as much as I could have, it was a huge influence on my life to watch them succeed. She wasn't buying it. Needless to say, I've put my dreams on hold until further notice. I have the crew coming over tonight to brew and I'm barely feeling it. I started in on the Beer School book and I can't stand to read more. Just looking at a beer is making me sullen. All the wind has been taken out of my sails. I don't know what to ask about, I'm just ranting. It's just bugging me that of all the for support I've been getting, it all comes down to one person. It all comes down to wife support.

Sorry to hear.

Seeking marriage advice on a beer forum can be a scary thing.

How about running a B&B? Brewpub & Bakery

Once you come to the understanding that in such disputes, the man is, by the natural order of things, always wrong, then you can know your place and thus, bliss in your relationship.


P.S. I'm telling her you wrote this post

Any new venture brings stress. She might be worried about lost income, kids college etc. I bet its more than a bakery. I was in a large group that was getting bought out and could have Ben sucked in or venture out. It was scary but I took the leap. I'm doing better than I ever could have done in the large group. I control my faith but I can go 8 months without a day off. It's like like I'm at the office but I'm on call every weekend, holiday etc. Would do it again. Don't put your dream on hold. Sit down, work out the finances, show worse case scenario. Talk to other and then have a factual discussion with your wife. Reassure her, let her know you will still be around and if successful you will be financial all set. Then work your ass off. Most business fail. Can your marriage with stand that?

Cider123 said:

Sorry to hear.

Seeking marriage advice on a beer forum can be a scary thing.

How about running a B&B? Brewpub & Bakery

Once you come to the understanding that in such disputes, the man is, by the natural order of things, always wrong, then you can know your place and thus, bliss in your relationship.


P.S. I'm telling her you wrote this post

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I know. This is pretty unusual of me to post about. I wouldn't normally seek advice from a forum, nor am I really seeking advice. I just needed to rant.

A b&b would be awesome but Georgia law requires at least 50% of revenue from such a place to be from food. She'd have to do an awful lot of baking to keep up. Plus realistically, do people really want to eat cake and croissants with their beer or the other way around?

Please don't tell her. I'd have my head on a platter because I was trying to get people to tell me I'm right.

I understand your wife's reservations. Quitting your 9 to 5 to go into business for yourself is a big leap of faith. My wife quit her soul sucking secretarial job to become a tattoo artist after our daughter was born.

I worked days & she worked swings and weekends. For two years I basically got to see her for an hour after I woke up and an hour before I went to bed. It was really tough on our marriage. I won't say that I know what it's like to be a single parent, but I have a really, really good idea now.

It was six years before she opened her own place and got to set her own hours. It's, still hard because now I have to work 6am - 3pm during the school year so I can pick our daughter up from school.

I'm not taking your wife's side. I'm no saying you shouldn't do it. I'm saying you have to take her concerns seriously and talk about them.

There was a time in our lives where we both worked with one car. Her on days,I had to stay on afternoon shift. sometimes the overlap made me late & nearly got fired. So def talk about it after getting the facts together.
You can have your dreams & your family too. Just make the time you are together quality time. Let them see the benifits your dreams can give them on their side of it. Road trips,vacations,even play games together on Friday with pizza like we used to do. It can work,& she's over-reacting in my view as an older parent who's been there. She's right to be concerned,but it's not that bad. It does seem like there's a bit of jelousy on her part for some reason. I really wonder about the bakery. Is it a real dream to her,or just a ploy to stop you fulfilling your's? Women do think that way in certain situations ime. They hear your dream,& a red flag goes up. Are they gunna get what they want,or is that extra cash going into what you want only? Even though you earn your paycheck,it's "our" money. I always said "it'll be our paycheck when we take turns earning it". Sounds harsh,I know,but I'll be damned if I'm gunnna kill myself in a factory all day & hand over my check when I get home. Or not get to have any of it for myself. BUT-reason & common sense must prevail here as well.

Give her a week

Spintab said:

I know. This is pretty unusual of me to post about. I wouldn't normally seek advice from a forum, nor am I really seeking advice. I just needed to rant.

A b&b would be awesome but Georgia law requires at least 50% of revenue from such a place to be from food. She'd have to do an awful lot of baking to keep up. Plus realistically, do people really want to eat cake and croissants with their beer or the other way around?

Please don't tell her. I'd have my head on a platter because I was trying to get people to tell me I'm right.

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Just kidding dude. Good luck!

I happen to know exactly what you're going through. In fact, I'm going to kick your ass if you don't divorce my wife immediately.

I don't know what you have already done, and maybe you're way ahead of this, but it sounds more like you have the fun part of the business under control. The kind of thing that may tip the scales in your favor is getting to writing the actual business plan and get an SBA loan commitment. If a third party will back the plan, you can prove it's viable and not just an excuse to hang out with your friends dreaming of beer.

I'm so glad my dad taught me to be a man.

Me girl almost left me.

krackin said:

I'm so glad my dad taught me to be a man.

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Well, that's nice. I hope you have a long and happy marriage.

For me, my marriage is a wonderful partnership. In fact, the whole family is a partnership and I always felt strongly that the needs of the family and marriage overweigh the needs of any one person at any given time. Sometimes, someone needs more and they should get that. Other times, they should give more. But the health of the marriage and family is the most important thing.

I think it's scary to think about giving up a "real" job for an unknown reality. It's also scary when your partner may get to live his dream while you support him. Those feelings are valid, and "being a man" may mean being a single man.

I think that maybe a very real and honest conversation needs to happen here. Maybe she really feels neglected, and that's coming out. Or she feels that this risk is too much. But she needs to be able to share her feelings and thoughts. I would even suggest doing it with a third party- like a counselor or a pastor or a good friend you both trust. Not to choose who's right, of course, but to moderate open discussion. It's really hard to be vulnerable and open up, but it sounds like it needs to happen.

I know in my case, in my marriage things are great in theory. Like, "Oh, if I ever found an extra $5000, I would......" . But if that happens (and it just did), the reality is a lot different! So maybe the brewpub talk was all "in theory", but now that it could happen the fears come out.

I wish you the best, and would just suggest to talk about it. Until you totally get where the other is coming from. That will be hard, but it's important. To dismiss the other partner's feelings is to ruin the trust relationship in the marriage, and few things are worth that.

My option was to whine, sell or to turn woodland into productive farmland. I picked the latter and have had no support in doing so. I was brought up old school and will gladly pass that along . I shall not support whine ass libs, nor cater to their ilk. I'm just an old school, back woods biker. If that doesn't suit then resort to the ol' 4 Q's.

If it were me.....

I would make sure that you are financially able to provide for your family if you fail miserably. (not saying you will) but its nit worth the risk if you aren't.

Then I would continue researching, learning, preparing (you can never do this too much)

And lastly, think of creative ways to get her excited and bring her in more into the whole scheme of things. Try to get her more involved and included, I have seen this work wonders in the workplace, and in home life.

Good luck with it, don't let your dream go ever, but don't let it take over your family life either, maybe you might have to wait 5 years, but it will happen

krackin said:

I'm so glad my dad taught me to be a man.

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Now that made me laugh. I personally have more of a relationship like Yooper though and luckily have the wife that said go ahead and follow your dream and is willing to foot the bill for my to attend UC Davis Master brewing program but I totally get what the OP has going on. My wife is unhappy with work and kind of stuck at this point. There is a bit of resentment in my following my dream but we have talked about it and I have agreed to support her when the time comes. If your wife wants to start a bakery so be it. Acknowledge that and move forward. Likely it what everyone else is saying and she is just worried you are about to flush money time and family down the toilet. All you have to do is google nanobreweries and see all the horror stories and failed dreams. Who knows what she has seen or who she has talked to who might be adding to this. I have been married for almost 8 years now so I am not the leading authority by any means but you have to take this as your wife voicing concern and frustration. If you are anything like me then this dream consumes every waking minute of your day. You are probably reading, searching online, brainstorming, and all the while talking about it incessantly to your wife while she sits back and listens. This outburst may be your clue that you should shut up about it. I would keep my mouth shut and continue to dream and plan. In the mean time sit down and talk to the wife and see what she wants and how you can both obtain you dreams together in order to continue this partnership. Giving up on your dream will only build resentment just like it possibly has for her already. From what I have learned over the years, communication is the key to any good relationship but we have to remember that listening is just as important as speaking portion of this. Good luck man and hang in there. Talk to her and dear god please don't let her ever see this thread or your A$$ is grass.

I think you need to spend more time with your wife and a lawyer and less time with your brew buddies talking about the real world start up process of a brewery.

I'm spending less and less time at, and slowly selling selling out of a small winery and a winery is nothing like whats involved in a brewery. wineries have all sorts of exemptions that breweries don't have.

Can't you start small and work up in size? I don't know your local laws. Anything in the restaurant / bar / brewpub business is risky, with a very high failure rate, sometimes to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars lost.

If you could do a Nano, gain a handful of loyal accounts self-distributing, then make a little profit, build up to higher volume, this could be done on top of a job that pays the bills. Wouldn't help family time, might have to work 16 hr. days, but it is lower risk- and, if you're good, it clearly justifies the step up. If you don't love it, you don't lose too much.

In this economy, many are struggling with unhappy jobs, in a company they don't like, to pay the bills. Some have started out in new businesses and been very successful. Also, businesses are going broke evey day too. This is a pretty damned stressful time to live in, poor economy, high unemployment, life pulling everyone in dozens of ways. Many of us can empathize, good luck, I hope it works out for the best.

Yooper has the best advice of any of the posts so far. Remember the vows?? For better or worse, in sickness and in health? You know. It's always a team effort in a marriage. I'm in the construction business and started my own company in 2007 right as the recession was starting. (After 30 years in the industry) Needless to say, it lasted 3 years and then totally crumbled. I literally lost everything. She'll never let me forget that I lost her house for her, but we're still together and getting back to where we were. Personally, I don't think think a brewery & bakery housed in the same building would be a bad thing. Just make sure you have a solid business plan in order. Unless you are willing to get a divorce, your wife needs to be onboard.

Wow, big response. Thanks everyone. I even got both Yooper and Bobby_M. I feel special.

Anyway, she's mellowed. RoughandReadyRanch made a point about being obsessed with the process and talking about it constantly. I think a lot of it was just a "dude shut up and talk about something else". Bobby_M mentioned getting numbers in front of her and I think that will help. I'm working on that now. I've gotten a few quotes on systems, and I'm doing the math. It all looks decent on a spreadsheet with enough funding. The key in Georgia is start at a decent size. 7bbl minimum. We have a full three tiers here and all are very well enforced. No beer sales from the brewery (unless it's a pub then no wholesale). Only samples with a paid tour. Almost all beer revenue will come from wholesale so the more product the better.

I think it will make better sense when all the facts are pulled, all the numbers crunched, and a solid business plan/model is laid out on the table. We need to be able to take a long hard look at the paper and say yes or no. I don't intend on quitting my day job for at least the first year of operation. Lord knows it'll take a year to even get to that point. I have time left at a programmers salary and I don't think it'd be hard to pick that back up if the brewery fails. Programmers rarely stay in one company for long anyway. Constantly moving around. Not until we are running well enough to actually take a workable paycheck from the brewery will I even consider dropping the day job. It's going to be tough for a while. 9-5 then brew all night a couple days a week while getting the non brewing partners to chip in on grunt work. It's hard work though and I like that. I look forward to it. I'm ready for it. Time will tell I guess. But now I know, until I'm ready with plan and check, I just need to talk about it less and stop assuming this is going to happen tomorrow.

Another way to discuss things you disagree about is to each take the other's position. You seriously and realistically explain why the brewery is not a good idea, while your wife has to explain all the reasons why it will work. If you're both honest and serious when taking the other's position, you both can begin to see the whole picture and maybe the answer will be more clear.

I don't understand - why is it OK for you to follow YOUR dream (the brewery), but not for her to follow HERS (the bakery)?

You say you think it might be jealousy. OF COURSE she's jealous. You're getting what you want, and what is she getting? A bigger share of the workload at home. She'll be singlehandedly raising the kids, doing the grocery shopping, making the meals, doing the laundry, keeping the house running while you're burning the candle at both ends between your day job and chasing your dream.

Duh. Who WOULDN'T resent that?

OP, you and your wife need two business plans...one for the bakery and one for the brewery. That way you both can make an informed decision on which way to go. One of you has to give in and get 100% behind the other person. Otherwise, its not going to work (or neither project will get off the ground).

The business plans will also function to sell one of you on the other's idea.